As He Picked Up His Hammer and Saw
by Duplicitywistful
Summary: BlindAU. Remus Lupin falls prey to a terrible accident that changes his entire way of life during an Order Mission. AU. M to be safe, some triggering themes, cursing, ect.
1. Chapter I

**AN: Hi! I have no idea where I'm taking this or if I'll end up never uploading another chapter and deleting this in six months. I'm starting on the next chapter as I upload this. I've got an idea, I just want to play with it a bit. Anyways, enjoy!**

Remus had no idea what had hit him in the back of the head. In a few seconds, two people behind him had forced him onto his knees. He felt a sharp piece of rock dig into his kneecap and when he looked back up, he saw Fenrir Greyback's face illuminated by a nearby campfire. _"Leave us."_ _Flick._ He had drawn his wand and pointed it at him. _"Incarcerous"_ Remus felt his limbs bind together with cords. His body was shaking violently. He watched as the man before him changed in a wolf-like creature. Remus could barely observe himself transforming when he saw the grotesque figure hurl itself at him.

Then Remus awoke in a cold sweat. Indistinctively, being plunged into pure nothingness, he grabbed at his face. _Nine days in a row._ Thank Merlin he had bandages protecting his eyes from his poking and prodding fingers. The healers had to use what were called (muggle, of course) "stitches" to hold the deep lacerations around his eyes together. _Don't worry, _they said. _T__hey'll absorb._ He regained his bearings, gasping for air. Slowly, he arose from the bed and ever so cautiously made his way to the bathroom. There was bumping and rustling in the room next to him. He fumbled around for the light, but it did no good on, especially with the bandages.

Sirius was supposed to help him, but he was still asleep upstairs (or must have been, Remus assumed.) Having no bearing on time, Remus had to peel off the bandages and stare blankly at the window in hopes of having some vision of sunlight until the grandfather clock downstairs chimed. _7 o'clock._ Finally. One day this week he actually woke up at a reasonable time... He blinked his eyes open and turned on the lights. It was getting easier to apply the dittany and he was now less likely to burn his eyeballs and whatever the delicate pink parts around them were called with it. It still amazed him the first time he burned them with dittany and he felt as tears formed and rolled down the sides of his face. It was an awful and torturous experience, but in a way, was enlightening. He didn't bother with the bandages, deciding it was likely better if the wounds didn't fester and become infected under the hot cotton.

There was no one around in the big empty house. Not even Kretcher was lurking in a corner, watching, and mumbling something about Remus's condition. There was nothing to do, either. Frankly, he wasn't sure if he trusted the food, being unsure of how many weeks it had resided there since Sirius's coming. Remus felt awkward, standing in the middle of the doorway, but as far as he knew, he was the only one awake. Awkwardness and embarassment seemed to be the only things he felt lately, besides the surpressed frustrations and the terror he nearly constantly had to battle.

He cautiously reached out to grab the doorway. A large splinter scratched his finger. The clock had yet to chime since he got up, but he was sure that it wasn close to eight o'clock, and he was already frustrated with existing. Sirius was likely still asleep with no feasible way to reach him and wake him up without posing a threat to himself, and no one else was residing in the house yet, as Dumbledore had said they would soon. Buckbeak was upstairs but that was less than helpful to him.

He had been standing there for long enough that he was fairly certain he was still facing the hallway and not the dining room. He took a slow, hesitant step forward. Had he gone quicker, he found, and the corner of a table sitting in the hallway would have likely painfully jabbed him in the leg. Remus guided his body around it to avoid it. His hands brushed over the top of the table. It felt like some sort of dresser. It was definitely a dresser, by the knobs on the side. He must've been too close to the wall when he stumbled over the giant, obscurely shaped troll foot. Did he look like a mad man as he was feeling up the furniture? Probably. But the dresser and the umbrella stand meant the stairs had to be to his right, he thought. He took a few steps forward and made a sharp left, knocking himself straight into the wall.

"Damn!" He said in a low voice. The surprise of hitting the wall was disorienting to say the least. Finding the stairs was a bit tricky, as he had to remind himself not to break the vase that sat beside them (Sirius had promised to move it, but it had yet to be done). Getting up the stairs was the easy part, as stairs were often the same in most places and from his memory, he knew how to get up them. The creaking was still annoying, however.

To the best of his understanding, Remus was under the impression the Grimmauld place was very much is disrepair. He had been whisked away from the hospital with his few belonging to stay there. He would've ended up in the same place any way, whether or not the full moon would have happened. What distraught him more was never getting to see Sirius or Harry again.

He was much too frightened to go barefoot for fear a nail or a piece of wood might puncture his foot, but in socks, he could tell that the tile on the ground floor was peeling up and missing large pieces. Feeling the walls led to him to believe that the wallpaper was doing the same. On his best guess, there was no such thing as a bright colour inside the entire house. He knew there were gas lights somewhere, because during the daytime and sometimes in the evenings, a faint smell of gas could be found. Remus was sure Sirius knew, but he strongly warned him against lighting any open flames until it was looked into. Nothing bad had happened yet, at least. Then there were the oddly shaped, somewhat cylindrical glass cases that lined the wall against the stairwell. Remus had asked Sirius what they were to which he replied, _"Don't worry about it."_

His foot always caught on the landing. Life around him was always moving too quick and he was moving in slow motion amongst an alien planet's rough terrain, where literally everything was out to murder him. Sirius had at least offered him one of the three bedrooms on the first floor, preventing him from having to navigate up three other staircases. Remus could faintly hear a rustling in one of the nearby rooms. His bedroom was placed next to what had used to be Walburga Black's bedroom, now void of furniture and housing a full sized Hippogriff. Under normal circumstances, this may have fascinated or intrigued Remus, but now, in all his vulnerability, he was utterly terrified for accidentally opening the door one night on his way back from the bathroom and getting swiftly kicked in the chest because _Hippogriffs don't understand subjectivity, Sirius, and it's not like he's going to see me and suddenly feel compassionate. _

Until the other Order members came, actually, this implied that there were still (to Remus's best guess) three bedroom on each of three separate floors, the two that occupied the top floors, closets, wardrobes, bathrooms, and all the other various nooks and crannies filled with decades of dust and small angry pests. He didn't dare sit in an armchair that he didn't recognize or reach into a closet besides his own or even use a bathroom he didn't know because the last thing he needed right now was to be bitten by a rogue pixie or trampled by some now sentient bureau (and he _definitely _did not start reaching his hands in cabinets he did not recognize).

He was perfectly fine occupying his particular usual spot on the particular sofa in front of the fireplace. That was something he missed in particular. He had tried sitting in front of a lit fireplace only once when he became completely overwhelmed by the bright, raging fire. It was something he had never seen nor felt before. In a single instant, everything he knew had become a threat to him.

_"People... get used to it, you know? I mean, they must." _Sirius had said. _"You've just got to... sort of get over it, mate."_

St. Mungo's was probably not supposed to let him leave, Remus had thought over and over. Actually, under the laws that protected patients from being denied care, they _definitely_ were not allowed to let him leave. But with one look at him, knowing he was a werewolf and that his wounds were practically untreatable, they handed him a bottle of dittany for his wounds and let him go. They watched as he left, clinging to the arm of Molly Weasley, hopelessly confused with barely a sense of what had happened or what was wrong with him.

The silence was maddening. Everytime Remus could feel himself doze off back to a dreamless sleep, hunched over on his arm, a small noise somewhere bothered him. Chances are, if he was taking in more than just the void in front of him, the small noises wouldn't have bothered him. But those small noises could be mice or pixies or any other small creature that knew he wasn't a threat to them.

Heavy footsteps trudged down from one of the upstairs room. "Remus, are you in here?" A male voice yawned.

Remus aggressively blinked his eyes several times. "I'm still here."

"I thought you could see the light." Sirius murmured. "You're sitting in the dark."

"It's not _completely_ dark-"

"You know what I meant."

"Well, perhaps if your light fixtures weren't a fire hazard as it is." Remus sighed. "I've just been wandering. Trying to learn this place."

"I can still turn the light on for you." Sirius said softly. Remus could tell by his voice that he was approaching him. "How long have you been up for?"

"Since a little before seven, I think."

"You took your bandages off by yourself."

"It's not thathard, really. It's more, you know, the stairs... not having anything to do, really." Remus suddenly felt bad for bringing it up. "It's not like you have to entertain me all the time."

Sirius sighed. Remus assumed he was either scratching his arm or making a disappointed gesture and rubbing his face by the sound of it. "I'm really shit at this. I'm sorry." Remus couldn't make out his figure, but could see the dark void that he occupied when he was in front of him, with the light behind him. The couch cushion beside him sunk in. "The Order's meeting today. Have you showered yet?"

"No."

"Molly said she'd look at you, maybe figure out how to get those sutures out of your face. She thinks it's been long enough that they should start falling out or just... you know, _dissolving."_ Sirius was gesturing with his hands until it dawned on him what he was doing

"Good." Remus nodded.

"I know that it might be... weird," Sirius said uncomfortably. "I mean, I know you're grown and capable of bathing and dressing yourself and all, but I'd rather you not have to get _more _stitches."

"Doesn't bother me."

"Are you _feeling alright?"_

"Yes?"

"You're being blunt like you're angry at me or something."

"No?"

"Are you angry at me?"

"I'm sorry... It's a bit difficult to keep from being awkward, I suppose."

There was a pause. "It's just _me,_ you know."

"I do know. I just have to get used to talking without seeing, you know? There's no expression, no emotion. Talking is just... _words."_

"It gets better." Sirius assured. "I know you must be about to hit me across the face for saying it, but it's true. Things are going to get better, you'll figure it out."

"I feel like any second now, something could jump out and kill me." Remus confessed. "I mean, honestly, I'm jumping at the bloody shadows."

"Maybe I shouldn't tell you about the death eaters across the street, then." Sirius chuckled.

_"The what?"_

"Sorry, thought you should hear it from me. The wards up around the house are incredibly sturdy. They can't see the house, much less get close without the password."

"Oh great. So basically, no one can go outside?"

"That sounds... about right, yeah. I guess I'm sort of on house arrest and you're stuck here with me now."

"Lovely." Remus sighed. "Just... lovely."


	2. Chapter II

Sirius had one arm around Remus's shoulders, using the other to help guide him. "Here, just sit at this one. It's closest to the door."

"I'm not really sure I want everyone staring at me throughout the meeting." Remus let him be guided to a chair. Remus was frankly just hoping he didn't look like a complete idiot. He brushed his own hair and let Sirius pick out his clothes and keep his sweater and shirt buttons on straight. This morning, he also brushed his teeth with his finger because he kept dumping toothpaste into the sink. Yesterday, he couldn't even find his toothbrush.

"It's not like you can tell anyways." Sirius bit his tongue. "No one's going to stare at you. Oh, yeah, and remember the portrait's going to go off."

Just as predicted, the moment the door swung open, the portrait of Sirius's mother began screeching like a banshee. She began hurling hateful slurs and unnecessary insults. Then the thought dawned on Remus as Sirius ran off to handle the portrait.

"Remus, dear, it's Molly. Molly Weasley." A woman's voice announced. She sounded gentle and motherly. Her hand patted him on the shoulder. Remus was going to have to get used to people touching him a lot. The chair beside him made a nasty noise as it scraped across the floor. "How are you holding up?"

"Holding up." Remus shrugged.

"You did know that we're coming to stay for a bit, yes?"

"Yes, of course." He nodded. "If you don't mind me asking who 'we' is?"

"It's just Arthur and myself, and our twins, Fred and George today. We'll be bringing our other two, Ron and Ginny, and Ginny's friend Hermione soon."

"Yes, I remember them from when I taught."

"That's great to hear. Hang on, twins? Arthur? Would you please come say hello to Remus?"

"Hello, Remus!" Arthur said. Remus turned his head to follow his voice. "It's wonderful seeing you again."

"Hi, Professor." A teenage boy's voice greeted.

"We just wanted to say that we-" The other one started to say something.

Remus was startled. Molly had jumped out of her seat, marched across the dining room, seeming to have disappeared. He couldn't quite make out what she said, but she was definitely being reprimanding. "Molly-"

"Sorry dear," She had come back and returned to her seat.

"It's alright, really. Them making jokes isn't going to hurt me one bit."

"I was going to say that in speaking for the both of us, we're glad to see that you're still here fighting with us." One of the twins said.

"Are the two of you going to be attending meetings now?"

"Mum said no." The other twin said. Or was it the same one? Remus didn't know.

"I guess we're just free child labour." The other other one said.

"Oh, shush." Molly replied. "You two... go upstairs with your father and have Sirius show you on what to start working on. Remus, may I take a look at your face?"

"Oh, sure. Here, I can get the bandages off if you don't mind. I put them on because I didn't know if the kids were coming or not." Remus said, taking off the tape around the bandages. "By the way, how did you get past the death eaters?"

Molly sighed. "Sirius told you? I _told him _not to bother you with that."

"You couldn't hide it forever."

"Have you been using your dittany daily?"

"Twice daily." He replied. He blinked his eyes hard as she examined the lacerations. "Drys my eyes out like mad. That, or my eyes are just going to be like this now."

"I can see about getting you some eyedrops." Her hands were soft, but wrinkled with age. She gently touched around his eyes. "Have you noticed any changes? Are you gaining or losing any of your vision?

"No. Nothing's changed. It hurts less? I can still sense light, but it's all the same as it was."

"Let's keep watching it. I'm not surprised that nothing has changed. Nothing structural is different than it was, other than the skin's healing. I don't think what's... left will need to be removed. I think once the rest of the wounds heal and aren't infected, you can probably stop the dittany."

"So... that's it then." He let out a sigh. "How... what does it took like?"

"What do you mean, what does it look like?"

"How bad do I look?" Remus wondered.

Molly didn't say anything at first. "Remus, what kind of answer are you looking for?"

"I just want to know what I look like now. What do my eyes look like?"

She didn't want to say. "They look like eyes. There are five large claw marks and three small ones. The two on your chin and the on your forehead that are almost healed. There's a large cut almost straight down the middle of your left eye. There's one slightly towards your nose there that goes up your brow. You've lost about a quarter your eyebrow, too. Your right eye looks sort of split between two cuts and your eyelid is sewn up in three places. I'm honestly amazed you still have eyelids. I'm amazed you have _eyes_ _at__ all. _The whites of your eyes is pink and the pink is red from healing."

"Do I look like myself?"

"Yes, of course you do." Molly added in quickly. Remus nodded uncomfortably and shut his eyes, squeezing them tightly. Something about this pained expression hurt badly, pulling at his healing skin.

The front door opened and a few seconds later, slammed shut. The portrait began screaming hatefulness again. "Molly- Molly, what's happening? What's wrong? What's going on?" Hurried footsteps came dashing down the stairs. Sirius was yelling something about the portrait shutting up and Remus braced, terrified. He wanted to reach for his wand, be he remembered he didn't have it on him. In fact, his wand had probably already created an allegiance to some other werewolf. He was utterly useless. There was a loud thud, a crash of something breaking, followed by a woman's voice, one seperate of the portrait, frightfully squealing.

"Everything's okay." Molly said softly. "Some of the Order members are here. The portrait started yelling, someone fell over, and Sirius came running down the stairs to stop the commotion. Do you want to come say hello?"

"Should I?"

Molly gracefully helped his not so graceful body up to his feet. Remus could tell they were walking towards the foyer together before he even had a choice

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-" A woman's voice exclaimed.

"It's fine." Sirius sighed. "Told Remus I'd move the bloody vase soon enough. Didn't matter now, I suppose."

Remus felt the roomful of eyes on him. The exact number was sketchy and uncomfortable anyways. Feeling naked without his bandages on, he raised his hand to cover his eyes. It wasn't subtle.

"Good riddance, Lupin." A gruff voice that was too close to Remus than he prefered said. A firm hand slapped him on the back without warning. "Glad to see you're still alive at least."

Molly cleared her throat. "Remus, that's Alastor Moody to your left. Sirius is beside the staircase, Emmeline Vance and Kingsley Shacklebolt are closest to the door, and the woman right in front of you would be Nym-"

"Tonks. Tonks is fine." The woman replied. He heard footsteps stumble around, but the direction was unclear. "It's my last name."

"Oh." Remus nodded. "Nice... meeting you. I just heard that someone fell, is everyone okay? Did anything else happen?"

"Oh yeah, I do that a lot." The woman laughed lightly. "No we're all good. Poor vase, though. Ugly old thing never saw me coming..."

"Is this everyone then?" Sirius asked.

"Mundungus said he would be late, but Elphias said he couldn't make it." A woman's squeaky voice towards the back said.

"What about Bill and Charlie? Have we heard from them?"

"Charlie's staying where he is for work." Molly said. "Bill couldn't take off today, and Fleur couldn't come without him."

"And Dumbledore, Mcgonagall and Snape?" Sirius asked.

"Still waiting for them." Molly said. "Shouldn't be much longer now. I can fix tea if anyone's interested.

"That'd be lovely, actually." The woman named Tonks said in a cheerful voice. She sounded young, but not so incredibly young that she must have been a child. Remus thought asking while awkwardly standing in the middle of the room was inappropriate. "Here, watch the glass." She gently grabbed Remus by the shoulders and guided him away from what he assumed was the wreckage no one cared enough about to clean up. The others showed themselves to the kitchen behind Molly Weasley.

"Thanks." Remus sighed.

"Sorry, I'm not really touchy feeley either." The woman said, drawing back her hands. "I'm sure you don't like people telling you what to do and dragging you along all the time."

"Better than wandering around all foolishly." Remus scowled.

"I don't want to pry, but you must be Remus, yes? Sorry, they told be before I got here to watch out for you. You got hurt or something a couple weeks back, but I see why now." She said quietly.

He felt extremely disappointed. He hadn't even had the chance to introduce himself to her and she already knew who he was and what was wrong with him. "I- yes, that's me. You were told towatch out for me?"

"I mean, you know, just be wary that you were going through some stuff and..." She sighed. "I'm sorry. I'll quit pretending that I haven't heard the full story. The others... they're sort of worried about how you're going to adjust now, you know?"

"You don't have to dance around it with me." He was becoming increasingly frustrated. "That's the last thing I want. I practically had my eyes gouged out and I don't want people acting like they have to be careful around me. I just wish you and the others could have heard it from me, at least."

"You deserve your dignity." She replied. "I'm sorry if I sounded invasive. Maybe we should start over? I'm Tonks, by the way."

"Funny name, huh?" Remus tried to sound cheerful.

"Yeah, it's a surname." She chuckled.

"Well then, I'm Remus." He held out his hand, having no idea if he looked stupid or could accidentally slap her arm.

She gripped his hand and shook it, wrapping her other hand around the back of his. "It's wonderful meeting you, Remus. If you ever need anything, I'm moving in tomorrow."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'm about done packing my bags. They haven't told me what room I've gotten yet. Fingers crossed I don't have to share with the hippogriff."

"He has a _name, _you know." A voice from behind said. "It's _Buckbeak."_

"Oh, Sirius..." Tonks let go of his hand and darted off towards the kitchen.

"Oof," The woman must have knocked into him. "Good seeing you again, too."

"You two know each other?" Remus asked, puzzled, turning towards them.

"Of course," Sirius said in a muffled groan. "Nymphadora here's my cousin..." There was a smack noise. Tonks had definitely hit him. "...well, first cousin, once removed. Andromeda's kid."

_"Don't __call me that."_She sounded like a child trying to fight off a teasing parent.

"What's so bad about... Sorry, I didn't catch that?"

"Tonks. Tonks is fine." She sighed. "Alright, I'll see you all later then." Swiftly, she turned to tell Remus. And with that, Tonks walked off into the kitchen.

"What was it?" Remus asked.

"What?" Sirius asked.

"Her name."

"Oh, Nymphadora. I think her parents call her Dora. She hates it, clearly." Remus imagined him pouting and rubbing his arm.

Remus laughed to himself. "She seems... full of personality."

"Oh, she's full of something alright."


	3. Chapter III

Having the kids around the house set Remus slightly on edge more than before. In general, having anyone around him set him more on edge than usual. At first, he became dependent on Sirius for directions and guidance, but he couldn't just walk into a room and assume it was empty unless Sirius, who was already prone to drifting off and finding other things to do, said otherwise. He had to depend on someone (usually Hermione) to announce their presence inside the room and tell him who was there. Therefore, Remus found himself spending more time alone in his room.

Then there was a knock on his bedroom door. "Hello? It's Tonks."

Remus jumped up off of his bed. He self-consciously tried to smooth down his hair as he walked over to open the door. He had to pause to search for a pair of pants from the floor upon realizing he was in his underwear. "Hang on!" Remus finally stumbled to the door. "Hello."

"Oh, sorry, I just came to make sure you hadn't died in there." She said lightly. "Haven't seen you since the meeting last week. Are you... staying in here for dinner?"

He thought about the accumulation of plates on his dresser. "Um, well... sort of, I suppose."

"All by yourself?" Tonks laughed. "Oh, c'mon now, you can't hole up in here forever, can you? The Order still needs you."

"Why would they? It's not like I'm exactly Order material anymore, am I? I can't go on missions. Or to work, just yet." _If ever. _Remus explained. "I can sit through the meetings, but without my wand I can't really do anything at all."

"You're working to get better and that's all that matters right now. We wouldn't throw you out to twist in the wind by yourself, now would we?" She said. "What happened to your wand?"

"Lost it during the, erm... incident." He pointed up at his face. "Not that it'd be much use to me now."

"Perhaps we could get you a new one."

"What would I do with it?"

She was brewing a question in her head. "Have you considered getting magic eyes?"

Remus laughed bitterly. "I got kicked out of the hospital after three days because they said they couldn't do anything and I had to self medicate with dittany. I think even if I had the money for one, they'd never let me get my hands on them."

"How are you holding up otherwise?" Tonks seemed more genuine now. "

"I'm still alive, am I not?"

"Did you lose your hearing as well? I asked you how you were doing." She didn't sound angry or challenging. Tonks sounded sincerely concerned about his wellbeing and that was extremely unsettling.

"I'm... I'm not doing so great." He closed his eyes. Typically this would have been a maneuver to make a person figuratively disappear during a conversation. Now, he just felt rather trapped talking to a complete stranger. "Look, it's not that big of a deal, really. I don't need help, I'm just..." He had already dug his grave and now she was going to make him lay in it.

"Remus, I know that now's a really bad time, but you've got friends here. Okay? What about Sirius?"

"Sirius... I dunno, he's been withdrawn lately." Remus didn't exactly want to answer. "He's got his own issues that he needs to work through and he just... he doesn't exactly understand the magnitude of what's happened yet. I don't think I have either, frankly."

"If you ever need help or something or just to talk, we're all perfecting willing to be there for you. And if not everyone, then me." Tonks informed him. "I have work, but you can always come to me."

"That's nice and all, bu-"

"Ah." She cut him off. "Maybe you should opt for a little human interaction to take your mind off things, what do you think? It really would help, you know." Tonks paused for a second. "It's almost time to eat. Do you want to see if they need help with the food?"

"Is that all you came to say?"

"Actually, what I'm really here for is your dirty laundry. Molly's washing clothes because Kretcher won't. The help with the cooking isn't necessary, but I thought I'd offer. You know, keep you busy."

"Oh, of course." He opened up the door for her. "Give me just a second. Sorry about the mess. I'm not exactly sure if I was given a clothes hamper and if I did, I can't find it."

"Don't worry about it." She replied. Tonks walked around him. He could hear her flick her wand and it occured to him that she appeared to have a basket in her arms somehow.

"I can help." Remus said. He felt that it was a bit pointless, however. He was standing in the dark, utterly useless.

"No need to do more work than necessary. I've got it, don't even worry about it."

"Well maybe I don't want you going through all my dirty socks and underwear." He said directly.

"Believe me, I have seen many more things that are far worse." She probably rolled her eyes. "When I was in training, I spent two weeks with a bunch of guys who apparently didn't know how to bathe. Perks of being an auror, I suppose."

"Still, I think I'm perfectly capable of picking up my own clothes off the floor. I don't need to be babied."

"Oh, _goodness!_ Yes, my wrist _hurts_ so _much_, oh _Merlin's pearly beard_, I can't even use my wand because I'm so _crippled_!" The sarcasm hit him a bit late. "One of us would've used a wand anyways, so there you go. Done before you can even snap your fingers." Tonks had suddenly gotten closer to him than he anticipated. She didn't sound angry at him for complaining either, like he wasn't even a bother.

"I know, bu-"

"Here then." He suddenly felt a heavy basket in his hands. "You carry that, and I'll take some of those dirty dishes down to the the sink."

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather I take the more breakable things?" He offered.

There was a clanking of dishes. "Nope. I've got it."

"Are you sure?" He asked hesitantly.

"Absolutely positive." The rattling dodged around him and headed towards the stairs.

"Wait-Could you-" For a split second, Remus realized he was completely alone with no idea where she had gone.

"What's wrong? Oh." She walked back up the steps. He felt a hand reach up the sleeve of his sweater, holding onto is wrist. For whatever reason, he thought about how her fingernails were longer and her fingers colder than he imagined. Remus felt weirdly roused by her touch in a way that like a child learning object permanence. When she touched him, there was another real, breathing human being beside him. He didn't even know her, but by the slightest physical intimacy she gave him, she had made herself into a living person. "Here, I can show you the banister."

"The pla-" There was a loud crash, followed by a wave of breaking, and he jumped a couple of feet backwards, her hand flying off of him.

_"Shit." _She exclaimed. "Goddamnit."

"Tonks? Was that you?" A woman's voice called from below.

"Sorry, Molly!" She shouted back.

_"Merlin's balls,_ Tonks, what did you do?" A different voice from above yelled.

"It's fine, Sirius!" Remus called back. "Wait, is it fine? You're not hurt, are you?"

"Yeah. I mean, no. I got it." Tonks let out an exhausted sigh. "Let me clean this up and I'll help you down."

"Can I do anything?" He offered.

"ScourgifyThere was a jostling noise and Remus had to assume the mess disappeared. "Alright, now back to you. Do you know where the banister is?"

"Maybe?" Remus hesitantly reached out into the void and found the railing.

"Here, I can hold your arm, or take the clothes if you need."

"I... I think I've got it." He replied. "But thank you."

"You don't have to thank me so much, I'm just trying to be accommodating." Tonks told him. In the kitchen, Remus could hear water boiling on the stove. Someone was inside the kitchen, presumably cutting up something on a wooden cutting board. "Hi, Molly. I managed to lure the wolf out of his dungeon."

"How lovely, dear." The older woman remarked. "Remus, are you doing alright? Just set the basket in the floor, I'll take care of it."

"I could try and cut something if you need." He offered. Part of him was actually excited that she would say yes and let him get to do something productive.

"I don't need any help with the knives." Molly said. "But would you like to help me with the green beans, I would be very pleased, but you don't have to help."

"I'd actually really like to."

"Okay, then. Just have a seat there and I'll get you the bowl. You do know how to peel green beans, correct?"

Remus had to walk into the chair before he could figure out sitting down. "I'll be fine."

"Here to go. And I'll help." Tonks sat down in the chair next to him, setting something on the table. The bowl is on your left, between us, and just put them in the other bowl in front of you."

He nodded. "Got it. I can do that."

"I like your optimism." She told him.

They sat for a few minutes, with only the snapping of the green beans and the boiling in the stove accompanying them, as well as Molly, who's exact locatilocation and activity was uncertain. "So... what made you join the Order anyways?" Remus asked.

"I'll confess, I've had my foot in the door for a while now." Tonks replied. "I joined to become an auror, Moody saw me, thought I'd be a good apprentice... and the rest is history."

"You must be quite good at duelling then." Remus remarked.

"I'd say I've got some experience under my belt." She boasted. Remus chuckled. "What about you?"

"I think I could hold my way through a duel."

"No, I meant how did you come to the Order."

"I was here during the first wizarding war. Not _here,_ obviously. Sirius's parents were still alive, and Regulus too. My friends and I joined. If I remember correctly, at the time, we were just forming, so we didn't exactly get an invitation to the Order; we _were _the Order back in the day." He told her.

"So _you _must be quite good at duelling then, eh?" Tonks asked.

"I taught at Hogwarts, you know. Defense Against the Dark Arts. Year before last."

"I think I heard something like that." She remarked. "And from what I heard, you were unanimously liked."

"Pray tell, how have you heard so much about me?"

"I'm just rather nosy. I've got too much freetime so I make Sirius spend time with me. He doesn't seem to enjoy it very much. He thinks I'm annoying. Do you think I'm annoying? I don't want to drive you up _all_ the way up the wall."

"No, I don't think so." Remus told her. "It's actually sort of nice. Well, it's nice having someone keep you company."

"I'm sure it is." She responded as if he had said the most blatantly honest thing in the world. Remus found himself still getting caught up when she was talking. By what she was saying alone. she almost sounded rude, yet she had enough of a sense of humor, or perhaps plain stubbornness, that she made herself captivating. He could hear her chair slide backwards (it was actually hard not to hear it screeching across the tile). "Maybe you could try it more. You're certainly good company."

"Thank you." Was all Remus said. "Just curious, how is all the cleaning coming along? I heard the house needed a lot of work, but I never saw it for myself. I can telltell the lights are working better. It's not as dim as it usually is. That or I just sit in the dark too much."

"It's going pretty well actually. We managed to get rid a lot of the clutter. Some of it we don't know what to do with, though. Do you know how much stuff around here has to be _very specifically _and properly disposed of?" She scoffed. "I don't get how the house is still standing. Or cursed."

"You never know." Remus replied. "Might as well be, honestly."


	4. Chapter IV

Remus had a warm cup of tea resting between his hands. He had made the tea himself, too. The ceramic was almost too hot against his skin, yet it was comforting enough that he felt adequately comforted by it. It was a plesant reminder that he wasn't the only person alive. He didn't care for the taste right now, though.

He thought someone had once told him that his hearing, touch, smell, and taste were going to be "refined" (in hindsight, this was Sirius who told him and he probably knew no better) and they were a liar. Remus had lost interest in food. He didn't want to eat or drink much because everything was beginning to taste dull or the effort that went into getting food seemed pointless. Though Molly always made sure Remus had dinner to eat and when she didn't, Tonks was beginning to insist on bringing him food. She had devised a plan so clever Remus was both in awe and adequately frustrated by it. Whenever she was out and decided to buy herself a biscuit or a crumpet, she would _"accidentally"_ buy two and, _"accidentally"_ leave one of them on Remus's nightstand, only _"accidentally"_, she would end up charming the wrappings to give off a bright enough glow that he could find it.

Their kindness wasn't going unnoticed, yet now more than ever, Remus felt isolated. His ventures out of his room were less and less and he had fewer reasons to do anything. He continually told the others not to bring him food, that he could manage, or to not bring him things like toiletries or clean clothes. He barely felt like even changing out of his pajamas most days. Remus had managed to amaze himself, however. He didn't know that all those mornings he spent with his eyes half-closed as he went through the motions of preparing for the day paid off in the form of being able to shave with minimal damage to his skin. Not that it even mattered. He just hated the scraggly and sharp feeling on his skin. He didn't remember when he last brushed his teeth.

Remus didn't know what day it was or what time, even. All he knew was he was alone downstairs. He wasn't even sure if he knew it, or if he had been standing long enough that he convinced himself of it. And now, he decided, was time for him to disappear again.

It occured to him that someone was coming barrelling towards him. "Remus! Hi!" A woman exclaimed. "You're up awfully early."

"Hello!" Remus thought he shouted his greeting a bit too loud as soon as he realized there was suddenly a real person in front of him. "So sorry! You must be up awfully early then too."

"Remus, it's me, Tonks." It seemed a bit unnecessary. He was getting better with voices and her chipper, excited tone was like no other in the house. Even with half her energy, she always sounded like she was at her fullest. "And it's just me, by the way."

"Fancy seeing you again." Remus replied.

"Fancy..." She stopped herself. "Oh... erm, nevermind, actually."

"Are you really going to do this? You can say it, you know." He assured her. "I really don't care. I fancy seeing you again."

"I fancy seeing you again, too." Her voice sounded more confident now. "When Alastor first came back, he didn't really want help, but he needed a couple weeks to recuperate. Actually, he probably should still be... besides the point, I was there with him and he always got _hateful _with me when he wasn't wearing his eye and I'd say something like 'fancy seeing you here'. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."

She sounded very genuine. That irked Remus. She was so kind, yet what did she expect in return? Even during the last two meetings, he heard her talking in the kindest of voices towards everyone, even people opposing her. Yet somehow, Remus felt that she was being honest.

"It's alright." Remus nodded. "You... I suppose I just feel awkward about my eyes. Like the last thing I would want is to be an imposition on you all and yet... nevermind, just don't feel like you've got to dance around me."

"Actually, I came looking for you with an inquiry."

"An inquiry?"

"Come on, would you like to go out?" Tonks offered.

"What?" Remus asked. "_Out?_ Out where?"

"Out. Outside? Out of the house."

He was still blown away at her proposition. "With _me?_"

"Yes, with _you_. And Sirius. All given that Sirius is even awake. Is Sirius still asleep?

"Probably."

"Too bad, then, I guess we'll just have to go wake him up." Tonks remarked.

"And we're subjecting ourselves to this willingly because...?"

"Because it's _nice _outside." She nagged. "The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and all the two of you do is mope around the house depressed all day."

"I am _not _depressed."

There was an awkwardly long pause.

_"Remus."_

"What!" Remus shook his head. "I'm not depressed!"

"I... Hey, look, I get it, this is hard to talk about." The woman sighed. "How _are_ you feeling?"

"I'm feeling fine!"

"Even about tonight?"

"Tonight?"

Tonks didn't want to answer at first. "You didn't know... tonight's the full moon."

There was a sinking feeling in his gut. _"What? _What are you _talking about?" _

"Remus..." Her voice became pitiful. "Tonight's the full moon. You haven't been taking your potion, have you?"

"No!" Remus scorned. "Oh god, I had no idea. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now that I'm here. I don't have a plan-"

"Hey, it's not that big of a deal." Her voice grew gentle again.

"Yes, it is!" He was having to fight back her docility. "I don't even have a plan made! I don't know where to go! What am I supposed to do?"

"You've got Sirius. And you've got me, you know. I'm on your side here."

"I'm... please take this as nicely as you can, there's not much you can do to help me right now."

"I can set up wards." Tonks suggested. "I can offer emotional support, at least. I was sort of hoping we were at least friends enough for that."

"Friends." Remus repeated.

"Yeah, sure. Why not? Is something wrong with that?" She countered. He could feel that Tonks had stepped closer to him.

"No, but I don't know why you'd want to be friends with me."

"Why wouldn't I? What? Are you some sort of... I dunno, _baby-killing_... _cannibalistic_... _jaywalking_ psychopath?"

Remus paused. "Is that really the best insult you can manage?"

"No, but you didn't answer my question."

"No, but I could be."

"So could I."

"Yes, but you're not a werewolf."

"How do you know that?"

"You don't smell like one."

"And how do you know that?"

"Because I'm conscious?"

"But my point still stands." Tonks paused. "Remus, let's go out for the day."

"I can't." He said simply. "I've... I've got to get ready, and-"

"We won't be gone all day." She assured softly. "The fresh air will be plenty soothing for your mind, I'm sure."

"Not when I... when I change." Remus made a noise as if he whimpered. "Tonks, this is very nice of you, but I had no idea what was going on and now I have to prepare and-" He waited for his protesting to be interrupted. He waited for her to tell him to stop. His words and fears had gotten caught in his throat, choking him from the inside.

"You'll be ready. Sirius will take care of you. I know it." Tonks told him. "I know you must be hoping you can... forget this. I can't imagine how hard tonight is going to be on you. But can't you trust me just a second? Whatever happens, we won't let anything bad happen to you. You're safe here. You're safe with us."

A cold hand wrapped around the back of his own. He could feel her fingernails gently grazing over his fingers as she took his hand. It was an innocent gesture, yet the contact was the most profound thing anyone had given him, perhaps in a month. Perhaps longer. Sirius had never been much of a physical person before, and certainly not after. Remus realized how much he missed everything in the world. Even a warm mug of tea, didn't replace how much he missed taking in the wonders of all the people around him. All of the beautiful things and all the ugly. Even his magic had been stripped of him. Was this what death felt like? He imagined when someone died, their soul entered an abyss of nothingness. Even staring straight into nothingness, he didn't know what it was or if he was in it. All he wanted was to know that he was still alive.

"Are you okay?" Tonks asked. She got even closer to him, yet she sounded concerned. "You're awfully pale."

"I-" His mouth was hanging open and his eyelids twitched. "Where's the sink?"

"Oh, gosh-" She firmly grabbed his shoulders and whipped him around. His hands became light and there was a thud as the mug went shattering into the sink. And following were the contents of his stomach, whatever they were, violently and acidic, boring into his flesh all the way up the back of his throat and out of his mouth. Remus's arms wrapped around his middle, trying to ease the violent lurching inside of him. He tried to lean forward, away from the woman beside him, wherever she was. He gripped the metal edge of the sink and he only wanted to be as far away from there as he could be. _"I'm... sorry..." _

"Shh shh shh," The woman cooed. "Don't talk. Get it all up. Let me get you a wet rag, you need to sit down."

"No-"

_"Yes." _Tonks hissed back from across the kitchen. Her heavy footsteps were walking towards him. Was she wearing boots in the summertime? "You need to lie down."

"I can't _breath-" _Remus gasped, coughing and sputtering. Spit ran down his face. He tried to hide the slobber and the embarrassment with his hand, but he was getting nowhere.

"Sirius!" Her voice yelled.

"Don't call him!" He insisted, hiding behind his sweater sleeve. "Tonks, please, I don't want him."

Her hands firmly grabbed her shoulders again. Water was running in the basin. Something ice cold and soft touched the side of his head. "Come on," Tonks coaxed. "You need to rest. If you're feeling up to it in the next few days, we'll go outside, but you're burning up. I watched you start sweating. Is there something I can give you? Anti-nausea or fever-reducer?"

"I don't want anything." Remus told her in a still choking voice. They were walking somewhere. He didn't know where. They were going up some steps; he wasn't pretending to lay out the house in his mind. "Stop playing healer with me, will you? I can handle myself."

"I'm sure you can." She said dryly. "But I can walk to a sink faster than you. Come on, just a few more steps. It's your bed Watch your shins. Lie down. I'll get you a bin in case you get ill-"

"Tonks!" Remus raised his voice. "Stop it! I'm tired of this! I have to learn to do things on my own!"

"You _are _learning." She replied, handing over the cool rag. "Who made that tea his own morning? Who walks up and down the stairs all on his own? Not me, you know, you fall less than me and my eyes work fine. You chopped vegetables and helped fold your own laundry just last week. You're _getting there._ But you've got to trust that I won't let you get lost."

"Why?" Remus gasped. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I-" She cut herself off. "You need to rest." And she left.


	5. Chapter V

Remus was just waking up. The pain started in his back as it hunched up, cracking and twisting as each vertebrae shifted back into a human form. His shoulders twisted and contorted. The muscles up around his shoulders tensed and stretched, pulling at his arms. He groaned in pain, clenching his hands, which were much less than human. There was a dog whimpering nearby. Remus knew Sirius was nearby, but his brain couldn't figure out where. His elbows and knees popped out of and back into place. He could practically invision the tearing and pulling of his thigh and calf muscles as they retracted back into their human form. His feet curled painfully, the claws and hair retracting back. He grunted louder now. He wanted to scream in pain. He did.

"Hey, Moony..." Sirius sounded like he was bargaining with a child. "It's okay, just hang tight, it's almost over."

Remus was flat in his stomach, gripping at the cold concrete floor of the cellar. His nails made a nasty noise and he pawed away at it. His throat was closing in and he was struggling the breathe.

"Hang on! Let me... find my own damn clothes first..." Sirius was rushing around the cellar. Remus collapsed on his stomach, groaning. The cool stone felt good on his face especially, and the rest of his body as well. But he needed to get up and put clothes on.

Sirius had seen him naked before, and at one point, he had seen Sirius naked too. But now, Remus felt more vulnerable than ever as Sirius picked him up off the floor, propping him up against one of the cabinets. "Did I... Did I break anything?" Remus panted.

"Not at all." Sirius lied, but Remus couldn't see any damage, so he forgot about it. "How are feeling?"

"I could puke, but what's new?" Remus remarked. "Am I bleeding anywhere?"

"Ah... just a bit on your shoulder. Here, let me clean that up and bandage it. But I'll let you put your underwear on first."

Sirius wrapped up his shoulder and helped him put his pajamas on. Remus could already feel his sweater falling off of him as they made their way up the stone steps. He wasn't sure why Sirius had dressed him this much given that he was already sweating through his t-shirt. His head was swimming in heavy circles, and he couldn't quite gain his sense of balance. Sirius has a firm hand on the center of his back as they walked up the cellar steps together. "Here, hang on, and I'll grab the door." He nearly collapsed as he leaned back against the tightly-framed wall, gripping onto the banister. First Sirius was fighting with the doorknob, then he had dug out his wand and he blasted a spell against the wards. There was a loud female's scream as the door flew open. Sirius sighed. "Christ, Tonks, it's us."

"I'm sorry!" She shouted back at him. "I heard a loud bang without warning, I'm sorry! I thought this was supposed to be a _safe _house, excuse me for not expecting you to blow the fucking doorknob to pieces! I just want five _fucking_ minutes without shit _breaking!"_

No one said anything, but Remus was convinced Sirius was pulling a face at her, and she was probably copying him. The kitchen was a lot brighter than the cellar, he realized. He couldn't say for certain though as no one made a move. "Excuse me, but I need to sit down." Was all Remus interjected with.

"Right." Sirius said. He grabbed him firmly and dragged Remus over to the kitchen table. The kitchen was eerily quiet with a faint commotion coming from upstairs. "Tonks, fix the doorknob."

_"Tonks, fix the doorknob." _Tonks mocked, crossing the room. The doorknob rattled and the door was making a squeaking noise. "At least we know the wards work. You look like shit, Remus, can I get you something?"

"It's too early to be drinking, so I suppose water'll have to do." He grumbled. "Is anyone else up and about?"

"Pretty much everyone's at work. Except Molly and the kids. They got up early and went to do some cleaning upstairs." Tonks told him. "There's still some breakfast scraps if you're hungry."

Remus shook his head. "I'm not exactly up for eating right now." He sighed. "Did the cellar stay soundproof last night?"

"Oh sure, I didn't hear a peep out of any of you 'til someone _blew the fucking doorknob up."_

"You really need to watch your language, young lady." Sirius scolded.

"Hear me out on this one. I know it's not firewhiskey, but it's a good comfort food." Tonks announced. She slammed a cabinet shut. "I know you said you don't really don't like coffee, but might I suggest something to cheer you up?"

Remus didn't want to argue. He didn't feel much of anything right now. "I'm game."

"You're not allergic to anything, are you? Milk?"

"No."

There was a clanking of ceramic dishes in the cabinet and Tonks's voice indicated that she was stretching or straining. "So when I was a kid, my dad would make hot chocolate from scratch, so I learned how to make it myself. It's pretty easy, and I _know _Molly's been baking so there has to be the proper materials somewhere. She made a chocolate cake last week, so I'm fairly certain I can make this work."

"That sounds... not convincing." He heard her snort with laughter.

"Let's see... Sirius, you're being extra quiet over there. Were you wanting a hot chocolate too?"

"No thank you."

"You sure?"

"I'm positive."

"So how do you make it? Since I... can't exactly watch." Remus asked.

"That's his way of making sure you don't try and slip him something while trying to be polite."

"Oh that's fine." Tonks replied. "Basically, you just add cocoa powder and a bit of vanilla to milk, and then this is the point when you add the cinnamon and the rat poison-"

"Rat poison is an emetic, just for reference." Remus shot back. "So you're going to have to try a little bit harder if you want to kill me."

"Okay, first off, why do you know that?"

"We don't have enough time to get that story right now." Sirius remarked. There was a ruffling of newspaper.

"So... cinnamon, sugar, vanilla, and chocolate." Tonks continued. "You can use the stove, I guess, but I think it's easier to use a warming charm. And my dad, you know he's real superstitious. He always said that if you stir it clockwise, you're inviting in good energy to be consumed, so to speak."

"What happens if I stir it the other way?" He challenged.

"It's supposed to ward off and banish all of the negative energy." Tonks informed him. There was a soft clinking as she stirred her concoction. "He used to tell me it was a happiness potion. I guess that's why it always worked."

"So what's next on the agenda? Tarot readings before lunch? Next, are you going to scry a mirror?" Sirius remarked sarcastically.

"Maybe I _will_ scry a mirror and it'll tell me where to stick it." Tonks quipped. "You're already a big enough ass, I'm sure I could fit the entire hallway mirror up there."

Remus had never seen or felt the hallway mirror, and he didn't even know which hallway she was referencing, but he laughed anyways because it was probably true. The was a stiff silence and he was the only one laughing. Sirius shook the newspaper as he turned the page. Tonks tapped the spoon on the lip of a mug. Tonks seemed to be brewing up a thought while Sirius seemed to be pretending he hadn't heard her.

"Here you go. Please be careful and don't burn yourself." She carefully guided the drink into his hands. Her fingers were still resting on his shoulders.

"Thanks." Remus stirred the spoon around, clockwise just to be safe, and he took a sip of it. It was heavy and tasted strongly of the vanilla at first, then it tasted like sweet cocoa. It was almost _too _sweet and milky, but it was one of the nicest things someone had done for him in a while.

"Maybe you'll consider taking me up on my offer today?" Tonks asked.

"What offer?" Sirius asked.

"I... I don't know if that's the best idea right now, Tonks."

"What's not?"

"We're going out for the afternoon." She informed. "I'm making you."

"Out?"

"We could walk to the park down the road. It doesn't really matter where we go. I'm pretty sure both of you have a vitamin deficiency by now. But I'm also fairly certain Remus might want to get some rest before we head out."

"I don't need to rest, I'll be-"

"Um, Tonks?" Sirius pointed out. "You do realize... I can't leave, right? I feel like I shouldn't have to say that. You're more than well aware of the fact that I'm a wanted criminal."

_"You _can't." Tonks replied with. There was a moment pause. "I don't see why Remus and I can't go for a walk. Besides, it's great exercise for his new dog."

"No." Sirius said quickly.

Tonks sighed. "Why _not? _Do you want the chance to leave or not?"

"I would much rather get to leave if I'm myself, thank you very much!"

"Sirius, I know that this must be hard to come to terms with, but we don't know when or how you're going to be able to leave safely." Tonks told him. "You can't hold up here by yourself until this war is over!"

That was the first time Remus heard anyone refer to what was going on to as a war. Sirius was strangely quiet and he seemed to be thinking the same thing as Remus. He folded up his newspaper and his chair when sliding backwards across the floor.

"Sirius, wait a second," Tonks pleaded. "I'm sorry if this is sort of humiliating-"

_"Sort of, _Tonks?" He wasn't quite raising his voice at her, but he was irritated enough that he was getting mean.

"Sirius, it's not that bad." Remus cut in. Neither of them spoke for a moment. "At least you get to look out the windows. Not all of us get that."

He could hear Sirius swallow, inhaling a sharp breath. "So what now? Are we going to need to buy a dog collar or something"

"I... suppose so. Unless you've got one around." Tonks replied. "I don't know, aren't we supposed to get some kind of special vest so Remus can walk him?"

"We can just say that we're going to get one." Remus suggested. "We're our training our dog. That's what we'll say. But I don't think anyone will stop us or ask questions. I mean, we're just minding our business."

"Sure." Tonks agreed. "Okay, well, I'm going to take my coffee upstairs and put some real pants on and the two of you can get cleaned up."

Remus listened as her heavy footsteps trampled up the stairs. She tripped on her way up, apparently spilling some of her coffee. Remus was beginning to enjoy his hot chocolate. "Sirius?"

"Moony." Sirius replied in a dull voice.

"Can you tell me about her?" Remus asked.

"Excuse me?"

"About Tonks?"

"Sorry, I might be misunderstanding, but what exactly are you wanting?" Sirius asked.

"Well, could you try and describe her to me?"

"Why?"

"Because she's my friend and I want to know what she looks like." Remus insisted.

"Do you need a written essay on what everyone else in the house looks like?" Sirius persisted.

"Sirius, I didn't forget what you look like. I don't think I could if I tried, honestly."

"So what is it... exactly that you're wanting me to describe to you?"

"Um... I guess... the kind of clothes that she wears? No, wait, that sounds weird, that's not what I meant-"

"No, I... I think I understand." Sirius cleared his throat, sitting up straight. "She's... she's a very interesting woman, I would say. She's kind of... how do I explain her... grungy? She wears a lot of black... flannel, leather, boots, the dark eyeliner. She's got a bunch of... junk on her ears too. A... thing on her nose. It's quite the look." Remus could tell he was making dramatic gestures with his hands.

"You're literally describing yourself from fifteen years ago." Remus laughed.

"She shows a bit too much skin for me, personally."

"She's your cousin?"

"I'm just saying, she dresses a bit inappropriate for an auror." Sirius told him. Remus felt his face flush pink. "Like what sort of person wears shirts that don't even go all the way down?"

_"You. Fifteen years ago."_ Remus rolled his eyes, but it was more of him rolling his head, since his eyelids and what was left of his eyes didn't have much give. "Does she have tattoos as well?"

"Maybe I was like that when I was _nineteen_. But I'm not nineteen and neither is she! She should dress more like an adult."

"How old _is _she?"

"I think she's... twenty-one? Twenty-two?" Sirius replied. "Why does it matter?"

"That's not too far from nineteen, you know." Remus shook his head. "It sounds just like you, I don't know what to say."

"I just think she should dress more like an adult. Why? Do you plan on flirting with her?"

"Now wait a second, where did _that _come from? I ask you to describe someone to me and you start acting up like it's some big deal?"

"Maybe just step off her? You've been spending a lot of time around her and it's getting weird." Sirius scoffed.

"Sirius, we can't _leave! _Do you realize how bloody lonely I get? Maybe I just want someone to talk to! When she gets off work!" It dawned on Remus that maybe this _was_ weird. He was actually getting excited to see her on her days off and talk to her after she came back on long nights. She was one of the most interesting people he knew. She could laugh, talk about politics, and she had even taught him how to play checkers again (though he always suspected that she cheated).

"And how do you think _I _feel! I'm stuck here too! You even get to keep your identity and live a halfway normal life on your own. You get to do _whatever the hell you want."_

"What's gotten into you?" Remus asked calmly. "You act like you've lost your mind."

"Well maybe some of us have more important things to think about right now than you do. Believe me, I've seen how you act around her!" Sirius snapped.

"Excuse me, but I almost never see her! I don't even know what you're talking about! Flirting? Are you being serious right now? When have I _ever_ flirted with her?"

"You always want to hang around her! You spend more time with her than me?"

"And where have _you _been the last month?" Remus demanded. "That's what I thought. You know, maybe if you were considerate for once, you'd realize that I'm just as stuck here as you are, and I'm just as lonely."

Sirius fumed, getting up and walking out of the kitchen.

Remus went up to his own room. He too put on some pants that were at least more appropriate than pajama bottoms and he changed out of his sweaty t-shirt (Remus would have showered if Sirius wasn't hogging it). He buttoned up his shirt, but he knew the buttons had to be crooked, so he rebuttoned it, and it still wasn't right. Remus also tried to wash his face and brush his hair, but it still bothered him that he thought he must look completely ragged.

Tonks was waiting at the bottom of the steps. "There you are, sunshine." She remarked. "Can I fix your shirt for you?"

"I-" She was already rebuttoning his shirt for him. He felt his face grow hot. She could likely see how scrawny he was, alongside all his ugly scars and the bandage from that morning, which was actually just beginning to ache. "Thank you."

"I don't mind." She said politely. "Are you... okay? I heard you and Sirius had a bit of a scuffle."

"I don't know what his problem is." Remus sighed. "He's... making wild accusations, I think he's just jealous that we've been spending some time together the past couple of weeks."

"He's probably stressed. We're going to get Harry tonight, you know." 

There was that sinking feeling of uselessness in Remus's chest. "Where's Sirius?"

"Right behind you, mate." Sirius remarked, patting him on the shoulder. He was definitely acting weird this morning. 

The was some metal clanking. "I was one step ahead of you and I went and got a dog leash from that store down the road, since _some _of you like long showers." Tonks pointing out.

Sirius pushed his way past Remus and walked downstairs. "I'll go change in the bathroom." He sighed.


	6. Chapter VI

"I'll hold your wand for you." Remus offered. "You've got no where else to put it."

"No thanks, I'll manage." Sirius snapped back.

"Oh-" He slammed the bathroom door shut. Remus turned to Tonks, amused. "He's locked himself in there."

"Oh, poor thing." She snorted. "He'll figure it out eventually."

They stood there for a moment. "Hey Tonks?"

"Yes, Sir?"

"Do I... do I look okay?"

"Yes, you look fine." She quickly reassured.

"Do you think I should put some bandages on before we go?" He asked insecurely, touching the fresh scar on his face.

"No, you look fine."

"I know, but people are going to see us and-"

"You look great." Tonks gently patted his arm. "Honest."

"What about my clothes? Do I look like I got dressed in the dark? I don't quite know how wrinkled my clothes are..."

"No. I mean, in all of the clothes I've seen you in, you've looked rather bland. Were your clothes always like that?"

"Yeah." Remus kind of laughed. "Shabby, not fitting well at all, mostly brown? Sounds like my closet."

She thought for a second. "Is blue your favorite colour?"

"Is what?"

There was loud barking and the sound of claws dragging across wood. "There he is." Tonks sighed. She went to unlock the bathroom and a dog came skidding out of it. "Hi, buddy." She said in a babyish voice.

"You can talk to him like normal, Tonks. He can hear you like a person."

"I know, but the muggles will think I've gone complete batshit." Tonks cooed, scratching his head. "Okay, let's- Sirius! Work with me! You have to wear the collar!"

He gave a deep "boof " in response. "Come here, Sirius." Remus knelt down and Sirius came trotting over. He rubbed the dog's neck, holding out his other hand for Tonks to hand him the collar. It was a bit big, but it slipped over his ears without trouble. "Thank you."

"So I'm assuming we can't just... _call him _Sirius, right?"

"Snuffles." Remus informed her. "That's the name he's always been as a dog and if he hates it, he can get over it."

"Aw, you gave him a _dog name?" _She said excitedly.

"James did, back when we were younger." Remus chuckled. "I don't remember where it came from."

Sirius was happily wagging his tail. "You're ready to go then, huh, Snuffles?" Tonks teased. "Let Remus get the door and you can lead the way there."

It was brighter outside than anything Remus had previously seen. Summer had crept in and it was hotter now more than ever before, more than he imagined or remembered. And he _loved it. _Tonks has slowed down to let him enjoy the moment. As soon as he stepped outside, a wide smile crept onto his face. Tonks hadn't been kidding about how stuffy it was inside the house. Being outside made Remus wonder why he would ever want to go back to Grimmauld or why he would ever want to go back inside a house ever again.

Sirius, now returned to his dog form, was tugging on his leash. He was just as excited to get out into the world. Unfortunately, despite Sirius have perfectly functioning eyes, Tonks was still the one leading them and keeping them from doing something stupid like walking out into traffic. Initially, this seemed like a good idea, except Tonks only had the attention span of about five seconds and had no business being their leader.

Tonks let Remus put his free hand around her elbow. She put a hand on him just to be safe, and since neither of them really knew what they were doing, Remus decided to wait on asking for his independence. "Tell me where we're going, because you know much better than either of us."

Tonks was looking around. "We need to cross the street, so let's wait for this car to pass-" A car drove by quickly, the engine making a loud noise. It startled Remus and sent him stumbling backwards and then they were walking again. "Sorry, I've got you. I've got you right here."

"Thanks." Remus nodded quickly. He almost tripped over the curb, stepping down into the street.

Sirius couldn't quite make up his mind as they walked down the block. He either wanted to stop and smell _everything _they walked past or he wanted to gallop at a speed that left the other two trying to run to keep up. "The flowers are really pretty." Tonks told Remus. "They're daffodils. No, no, they're day lilies. They're... a golden orange colour. And they've got black spots in the middle. Here, you know what?" They stopped again and she let

"What's wrong?" Remus asked. "Did you drop something?"

"Hold out your hand." She instructed him. He carefully unfolded his palm. She placed a soft flower in his hand. It was sort of wet. He rubbed his thumb over the various little parts on it, accidentally knocking one of the fragile petals off of it. It smelled sweet and fresh like he was holding several dozens of flowers in his hand, or perhaps that was just his heightened senses from the full moon. "I don't know if that's a good enough description. I don't know if you ever care about flowers."

"I like it." Remus replied, sticking it in his pocket. "I'll try and preserve it when we get back. Or maybe you can do it for me, since... you know."

"I'll certainly try." Remus doubted she was being sarcastic, but it kind of sounded like it and he wasn't sure. She took his arm again. Sirius tugged on the leash. "Come on, someone wants to go."

They walked several laps around the outside of the park. There were a bunch of kids playing, one of which almost accidentally kicked a rubber ball at Remus's head and Tonks had to intervene with a quick spell, blowing it off as sheer luck they ducked in time (the two were continuously laughing about it while waiting for an owl to come from the Ministry to hunt them down, though she had particular "auror privileges" Tonks said). There was an elderly couple of ladies with a loud papillon that Sirius actually growled at. It also seemed like every breed of dog beside the yappy rodent-dog was attracted to Sirius, like he was some sort of charismatic magnet. Labs mutts, and an overgrown collie all wanted to bump noses with the strange new shaggy black dog that strolled through the park. Remus mostly enjoyed the sunshine when it was on him (though he knew he was going to start sweating in the July heat) and the sound of the wind when it went blowing through the leaves on the trees. Tonks would carry the conversation, describing the kids with unusual adjectives and explaining the odd features of the nearby houses. She would talk about (and frankly give quite judgemental commentary) the people and their most poignant features, out of earshot of course, pointing out things like a runner that barely got past an uncomfortable jog, the business man who had his hand a bit to touchy on his secretary during their lunch break, and the woman with a squeaky voice, talking into a cellphone in similar fashion to how Arthur Weasley had tried to use one. Remus found her sense of humour a bit crude, but nonetheless, he liked hearing he laugh at her own jokes.

"Here," Tonks carefully led him in a particular direction. "Let's have a sit. You look a bit overwhelmed, to say the least."

Remus stuck out his arm, feeling around for the metal bench she had led him to. He was just glad he didn't fall over onto the ground as he tried to sit. Tonks sat down beside him and a large creature jumped up. Sirius prodded at Remus's face with a wet nose and the heavy stench of dog breath, his tongue flopped out. Remus scratched behind his ears, burying his face in the coarse fur around his neck. "I'm sorry." He said softly. Sirius whimpered back. "One day we'll come back here, just you and me, and we won't have to do this." Sirius whimpered again. His tail was wagging and thumping the side of the bench. He was trying to climb into Remus's lap, leaning his weight against his chest, his large paw closer to his groin than Remus would've wanted. Tonks reached over, scratching his head.

"I let you get out and stretch your legs and you immediately want to sit with us." Tonks said lightly. "Why don't you go run around? I dunno, does... _Snuffles_ like to chase squirrels?"

"Doesn't matter." Remus shook his head.

"Can I please pet your dog?" A soft child's voice asked, running up to them.

_"Sweet_\- Excuse me, I'm very sorry," a woman's voice scolded. She appeared to be the child's mother. "You can't just go and pet other people's dogs, you know that. _That's_ his seeing eye dog. It's a special dog."

"He's just learning. He's a uh... more of a family pet than anything." Remus smiled, handing the leash to Tonks. He could hear Sirius wagging his tail hard enough to hit the bench they were sitting on. "Here, Tonks, I'll let you watch him. His name is Snuffles. He's _typically_ a fairly good dog, but he gets excited sometimes, so please tell us if he bites. It's been a long time since we've gone on walks."

"How old is his?" The mother asked.

"Old as dirt." Remus replied.

"Does he like to fetch?" The child asked.

"Of course." Tonks replied. "You could give him a ball or a stick, he'll fetch it for you. Unfortunately I don't think we have either at the moment."

"Here!" The child was running around in an undetermined direction. "Can I play fetch with him?"

Tonks knelt down to unhook him. The large dog jumped down. "Have at it. He'll come back when he's all tired out."

Remus leaned over and quietly said in Tonks's ear, "So... I think I need to apologize for how _Snuffles _is being a bit possessive today because he apparently thinks we spend too much time together."

"Does he now?" Tonks replied.

"He thinks you're a _flirt." _Remus replied. He tried again to roll his eyes, but he made a close enough gesture for her to understand.

"Oh does he now?"

"We were just, you know... talking and he's jealous that I spend more time with you than him and he doesn't know what to do."

"You didn't answer my question."

"No, Tonks, I don't think you're flirting."

"What if I was?"

_"Snuffles_ has been between a high security prison, the wilderness, and that godforsaken house we keep him in, for the past 13 years," Remus said in a quiet voice. "He doesn't know how to talk to people. I'm trying to be patient with him, but he can read people about as good as I can read a book right now."

"That's a pretty good metaphor, how long have you been brewing that one?"

"Mm, dunno, I've have a lot of thinking time lately."

"You need a hobby." Tonks suggested. "No offense, really, just... maybe you have Molly teach you how to knit or something."

Remus laughed, amused. "You didn't have to drag us out here."

"No, I didn't." She said, she slid closer to him, close enough that her head almost sat on his shoulder. She was barely touching his arm now, reaching out her hand to take his, but waiting for him to retaliate with the sign of affection. He held her hand. "But it's not fair to either of you. You should be able to get out more. Is this weird? I feel like this is weird. I made this weird, I'm sorry. This is too much, I'll scoot over." Tonks shifted away from him. "I'm sorry, I'm like this with most of my close friends and I didn't mean anything by it-"

"I smell like a gross dog." Remus said. "But no. I much prefer having people I know touch me. I'm struggling a touch with um... object permanence? Obviously I know Sirius- ah... _Snuffles_ is still alive and well, just playing with someone's child, I just... I get this anxiety. I _don't_ know where he is, I _don't_ know if he's okay, I _don't_ know when he's coming back. He's _gone_ and I'm trying not to panic and I don't know why."

"You has something extremely precious stollen from you with no rhyme, reason, or warning. Of course you're not used to it and you're scared." Tonks reassured.

"I miss just sitting face to face with people. I feel so... awkward and rude all the time." Remus confesses. "Harry's coming tonight. I don't want to scare him."

"You won't scare him, Remus. He's almost a grown adult. He might just not know what to do with you." Tonks said, looking down at her shirt. "Does Snuffles _always_ smell like this or is it just a dog thing that he does?"

"Oh believe me, we _tried_ bathing him, human and dog, the smell doesn't ever go away." Remus was laughing now too.

"Hey, I never got to ask you. Is your favorite colour blue?"

"Um, why do you ask?"

"Because it's the only colour you ever wear." Tonks said simply. "I mean, you wear brown and grey, and sometimes black, but sometimes you'll wear a blue shirt and it looks really nice on you."

Remus let out a sigh and smiled. "At least now I know Snuffles hasn't turned all my clothes lime green. That's one less thing I've got to worry about."


	7. Chapter VII

"What in Merlin's name did the three of you think you were doing?" Molly Weasley shouted across the table. She had become _so_ angry that her voice was dry and straining with every word. "Really? Sirius, you had been recognized, you would have been killed on the spot or worse! The police would have been called! The Ministry! They would have sent _dementors _on you! And the two of you would have been arrested for corresponding with a known mass murderer!"

"But they weren't looking for a dog, Molly!" Sirius protested. He was very human and very much clothed now after Molly had initially yelled at him to change back and he did... in the middle of the hallway. _Naked, _as a sort of vengeance.

"But what if something happened? What if someone let slip it was you? You didn't say his name at all while you were out, did you?"

Remus shook his head. He presumed Tonks did as well, but of course, he had no idea. "Molly, we were plenty safe. We didn't go far, we blended in." Tonks told her.

"What about the death eaters?" She shot back.

"We didn't see any." Tonks told her.

"Right, well, of course _you _didn't_._ Tonks, you had to watch over them, you weren't watching over yourself! You weren't checking to make sure all your tracks were covered, were you?" Molly demanded.

"Remus and I, we handled ourselves perfectly fine, isn't that right, Remus?" Sirius said.

"I-"

"And after _everything_ that happened to Harry, all this mess that he's gotten himself into, you _still_ felt it was safe to go outside? Sirius, what if the dementors were looking for _you_? What if that had been _you_ and not him?"

"Wait, what?" Remus cut in over her. "What happened with Harry? Did he get attacked by dementors?"

Tonks let out a sigh. "I... meant to talk to you about that. Harry, he, er... he's coming over tonight because he's got to go to court."

_"Court?"_

"He had a run in with a couple dementors so he said, used a patronus in front of that cousin of his, and now he's been expelled for using magic _outside of school, in front of a muggle, _and he has to testify to be able to be reinstated." Tonks explained.

"You never told me." Remus huffed. "You _never told me _that Harry got expelled!"

"It _just_ happened!" Sirius shouted back. "I'm sorry that I've got enough to preoccupy me right now that I can't always give you a play-by-play of what's gone on in the world!"

"How hard would it have been for you to just tell me what happened! What did that take? An entire five seconds of your _precious _time, well excuse me, some of us can't just pick up the paper and know what's going on in the world!"

"How do you think _I_ feel? I don't ever get to see my own godson because of something that isn't even my fault!" Sirius exclaimed. "And on top of that, I have to pretend that it's not the same reason that James and Lily are _dead,_ right now, Remus! Do _you _have to live with that? Because at the moment, I've not got very much going for me! I'm _sorry_ that I just _had _to go and ruin this for you!"

"Would you two stop yelling at each other, please!" Tonks shouted from between them. Despite her raising her voice, she sounded desperate and almost pained. _"Really. _This was a _mistake_. Remus, I should have told you about Harry as soon as I heard and it's my responsibility for not doing so, but Sirius, this is on you as well. You should have been here for Remus, too. It's not his fault you've put this wall between you two."

"Oh please, and what have _you _been doing?" Sirius taunted.

"Excuse me, but I'm trying to be the friend that Remus needs most right now because you seem to be all about yourself right now." Sirius got weirdly still after she said that.

"This is _not _what we are talking about right now." Molly interjected. "Tonks, you're going tonight to get Harry, correct? And when you get back, we'll be having a meeting and all three of you best be here for it. We're going to have a conversation about your conduct and leaving the house, and I will be leaving up to Alastor to handle _you,_ Tonks."

Tonks grumbled something inaudible about Alastor handling her. "I'm sorry, Sirius." She said softly, her back turned to Remus. "I didn't mean that. I just meant that you- Sirius, wait a second-"

Remus was standing there awkwardly, the two of them trekking upstairs. He wasn't quite sure if Molly was still there, but he had a feeling- "Remus," She said. "I'm sorry that you got dragged into this."

_Dragged into this? _"I _wanted_ to leave. I wasn't an accomplice." Remus said stubbornly. "I _hate_ it here, and I can tell you that it's even worse for Sirius. You have no idea what he has to live with here, what he has to remember every time he-"

Molly seemed to be pursing her lips with disappointment. "I'm sorry that I have to treat the three of you like children, but that's how you're acting."

"I'm sorry, Molly." He began to cower back. There was so much more he could say in protest, but he didn't. He could tell her about how he and Sirius hasn't left the house in a month now or how this should have been a basic right to them, but he didn't say anything because she knew it. And deep down, Remus knew she was right. After all of the things that he had seen while he thought Sirius was a muderer and after what happened to the Cedric Diggory boy, they weren't safe. They could have outed the magical world. They could have outed the Order and all been arrested. They could have been killed. "I'll come back downstairs for the meeting."

Remus treaded up the stairs back to his room. Sirius and Tonks we're having a heated discussion across the hall. It was dark and gloomy. He had to step over piles of laundry to get to his unmade bed. He sat on the edge of it, quickly jumping up to empty out his pockets before sitting back down. There was a sort of crushed up lily, a leaf, and a couple of rocks that Tonks had said she thought were "pretty neat." He liked how the rocks felt on his fingers, though he had no idea what spell to use to preserve the flower. He settled on pressing it inside of a heavy spell book.

As soon as Remus laid down on his bed, his face staring up at the ceiling and off into space, there was a knock on his door. "Hello? Who is it?" He sat up quickly.

"Tonks! Are you wearing clothes?" A muffled voice shouted.

"We just got here!" He replied. "You can _come in, _you know."

The door swung open and promptly shut. "He slammed my fingers in a door." Tonks said. She sat down on the bed beside him, appearing to be rubbing her hand.

"I'm sorry." Remus replied. "Are they purple?"

"Pinched, but not broken." She sighed. "I didn't mean that, you know. I think Sirius is actually a great friend and I think you're a great friend back, but when I watch you? It's like... you're always left out. When the Order talks about you, they don't say bad things, but they act like you can't do anything yourself."

"No they don't-"

"Yes, they do, Remus." Tonks insisted. "I want to help you and keep you company, but I can see what the others are saying about you. You can be grateful for what they've given you and still resent the way they treat you. You're a very capable person, and a very talented wizard, you're just stuck between a rock and a hard place."

Remus pondered this for a second. "I assume you're going out to get Harry tonight, aren't you?"

"Yeah, once it gets plenty dark. We had to plant some bait to lure the Dursley's out. My idea, too." She mumbled.

Remus nodded. "Stay safe, okay? I'd hate to have to come out there and get you."

They both laughed and it broke up their awkward tension. "I'll manage, I think." Tonks said lightly. "Remus, do you think he was being serious about... you know, Sirius being all feeley and protective over me?"

"I..." Remus stuttered. "You do realize I only said that as a joke right? I... guess I thought you'd find it as a compliment, not that I thought you'd be the kind of woman to hit on men twice your age, so please don't take offense to that. Yes, Sirius and I talked about you but only because I wanted to know what you looked like and he was making comments about you 'dressing immaturely for your age' and all I said back was that he used to do the exact same thing before he went to Azkaban. He wasn't all _stuffy, _you know. I don't know what got into him that made him want to wear clothes he found here of all places. He used to think of himself as being all _punk-rock_ back in the day."

Tonks seemed amused at his story. "It's hard to remember that. I never knew him before Azkaban though, only through my mother's old stories and photos. This war really... it did a number on him. On his head, at least."

"It was Peter, mostly. After he found out it wasn't me he... snapped. I guess that's why I wasn't surprised when I heard it was him." Remus reclined on the bed.

"Wait, did you know Peter was the mole?"

"No. Not until James and Lily were gone. Sirius got in touch with me once, right before he went to go and get Harry. I just remember him storming in, and the look he had on his face... and I think he would've hurt me. _Actually _hurt me. I was so terrified when he grabbed me and he asked me what I knew, what had happened, why I did it, and of course I had no clue what had even happened at that point." Remus told her. "So the whole thing blows up and Sirius gets arrested, I thought he had lost it completely. Or better yet, he was panicking and trying to fake me out and make me think it wasn't him... you know, because Peter had just 'died' and all. It could've been any of us. Meadows, McKinnon, the Longbottom before all of... all of..." His voice had strangely trailed off.

He could hear Tonks breathing. She sounded like she was trying to hold everything up inside of her. "He's still handsome, you know? Even after Azkaban."

Remus shook his head. Suddenly some of the... _odd _comments that Sirius had made were slowly coming together. Sirius was jealous of the time Remus and Tonks had together, but perhaps it hadn't been for the reason he had initially thought. He was talking down at Tonks's appearance, perhaps not out of direct spite. Perhaps Remus wasn't supposed to be kidding when he called her a flirt. And that legitimately scared him and made him feel awkward. What, was Sirius trying to make his claim on her? This felt almost predatory, to make such comments behind her back and then supposedly have feelings for her to her face. Remus wondered what went on behind closed doors. He wondered if he even knew Sirius as well as he thought he did. "I... I don't think I would know."


	8. Chapter VIII

**AN: I am writing this hundreds of miles from my bookcase and also with little data. The dialogue isn't from the book. Sorry. I had to wing this. **

**Also, I need feedback: Sirius lives AU, yes or no?**

The air had grown thick around them from the meeting. As soon as Dumbledore has dismissed them, everything calmed back into routine. Sirius was still strangely not as talkative as he usually was.

"Albus, Severus, are you sure you don't want to stay for dinner?" Molly asked. She was still very tense from the meeting.

"No thank you. I've got things that must get done back at the school." Snape curtly informed her.

"I would love to stay for your cooking, Molly, but unfortunately, I also have to make preparations for the beginning of the fall semester." Dumbledore was much more polite in denying her offer.

Remus hurried to his feet. He was close to the door, but he had no idea if he was the only other person standing up, but he shoved away his embarrassed thoughts. "Professor Dumbledore? I need to ask something before you leave."

"Of course, Remus. Why don't we take this out to the hallway?" He could feel Dumbledore's smile.

Dumbledore was a safer bet than Snape.

"Sir, I need to ask you for a favour." Remus brought up. The two— three?—of them ducked into the alcove beside the stairs. Remus was using the wall to stabilize himself. He was very sore now, and was stumbling around painfully. "There was recently a full moon and it... it crept up on me. I'll confess, I had no idea it was time for another moon until... until Nymphadora mentioned it to me. Thankfully, we had the cellar."

"So this must be an often occurrence for you, Lupin." Three. So there were three of them.

Remus actually forced himself to sigh as loudly as possible, directing his face (he hoped) towards Snape. "Yes, well, I came to ask if there was anyway I could request more of the Wolfbane potion?"

"I shouldn't see why not." Dumbledore replied. "But I believe this question was not directed at me."

Remus felt like a child asking for permission to let a friend stay over for the night, except the friend actually hated him and was about to beat the ever-living shit if he opened his mouth again. He nodded. "Right, well-"

"I'll... check my potions cabinet for any. I'll likely need to go and purchase the ingredients. I don't expect I will be compensated for my energy, time, and resources, naturally." Remus was now on the verge of laughter. Not because of the crippling idea that he would never have enough money to satisfy Snape or make it up to him, but because he never noticed that when he focused on only his voice, Remus could imagine Snape uncomfortably and literally shoving something in his ass. If only his hair hadn't been uncomfortably greasy and Remus hadn't been so distracted by it...

"I... can try my best to make it up to you."

"Is there something funny, Lupin?"

"Hmm, no."

"You don't seem so sure."

"Oh I'm very sure about something."

"Mm, yes, you very much appear to be. And I would very much hope you decide to keep it to yourself."

"Is that all, gentlemen?" Dumbledore asked.

"I believe so." He could hear Snape cutting his eyes.

"Remus, could I have a quick word with you?" Dumbledore asked. "Severus, feel free to walk outside and I shall meet you there."

There was a long pause. "Professor?"

"I wanted to apologize for the unfortunate circumstances you've come under, Remus." Dumbledore informed him. "Have the healers said anything about your recovery?"

"No, Sir. Besides that this... will be as good as it gets." Remus said. "Excuse my shortness, it's just that every seems to ask me about my eyes and most of them are so optimistic, that I'm going to get better, or maybe I'll get magic eyes and I'll be able to see... and I don't like telling them how... this is going."

"The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision." Dumbledore informed him. "I don't quite remember who said that, but I believe they had a good point. You must keep looking forward as to how you can better yourself from this."

Remus pondered this. He more worried about how he was going to care for himself and stay alive as opposed to how he was going to get motivated enough to change the world with his... disability. That was not a word he liked. That, or the "B" word Dumbledore had so kindly used. It was actually the first time anyone had said it around him since the hospital when they diagnosed him. "Thank you, but my biggest concern right now is getting that potion. Last night was..." He sighed. "...it was miserable. I had Sirius, but it wasn't enough. It was my fault for forgetting to get it, and I'm sorry. I take full responsibility for-"

"You've had a difficult month adjusting, have you not? Perhaps you should just stay put and rest. I assure you that we will get you a potion for next month." Dumbledore told him.

It was quiet. Remus was nodding. "Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me."

"After everything you did for the school, we should have no problem lending you a hand in you time of need."

Snape audibly sneered.

"I'll, erm," Remus nodded. "I'll let you go back to school. I don't believe Molly would wait for me to serve dinner. Thank you... again. For everything."

"It's my pleasure, Remus." Dumbledore patted his arm. "Severus, I suppose it's time for us to go now." They were quietly exchanging words as they walked away. Remus tried to listen without being obvious, but he couldn't do either.

"So besides all the muggles, how was your summer, Harry?" Back in the kitchen, Tonks tried to strike up conversation. She was apparently still quite damp from the broom ride, and Remus knew this not only by her constant complaining of it, but was also fervently shivering. She didn't mention her bruised fingers though.

Something bothered Remus about her. Here she was, playfully laughing and charming her face and her hair into different colors, inciting laughter particularly out of Hermione and Ginny (for one, it slightly bothered him that he couldn't join in). The last day or so had been so... strange. He wanted to ask her how she really felt about Sirius, and he wanted to understand Sirius's thoughts on her. Was he deflecting her advances? Was he hiding it from Remus? Did any of this explain Sirius's distancing?

Remus was trying to use his arm as a barrier for his face, keeping it between him and the boy. He was still certain Harry was looking at his face.

"It was alright." Harry replied. "The most exciting thing was this whole... dementor thing."

"So they're going to put you on trial." Sirius huffed disdainfully. "This is ridiculous. I mean, really, they would do this to a fifteen year old. What are you supposed to say for yourself? It was self-defense, plain and clear!"

"I'm sorry." Harry replied. He seemed startled by Sirius's raised voice and was apologizing out of habit rather than need. He was completely lost here.

"Of course, I would go in there with you, if it wasn't my life on the line." There was an odd tone in Sirius's voice. Something told Remus that he _would_ go into the courtroom, even if it _did_ mean that it was his life was on the line, like a punch to the gut.

"I know you would." Harry nodded.

Remus didn't mean to become philosophical in his thinking, but what _was_ that poor boy doing here? Yes, he was almost an adult, and yes, he had enough of a brain to know right from wrong, but wasn't he still a _child? _Developing mentally and physically, just trying to go to school and have friends and play quidditch? There was no doubt that he was capable, and that he was intelligent and good at dueling, but wasn't he still a _child_ that practically got _dragged into this?_

"We'll tell you what to say." Remus finally joined in. It was the first thing he had said all night, including while Molly continued to lecture them about their minor expedition that afternoon. "We'll be careful to make sure you don't slip up. And you won't slip up. You're a good kid with solid record. If anything, they're trying to scare you because of who you are."

"Who I am." Harry sounded sick. Was he looking at him? "Yeah."

"Poor kid." Tonks sighed. She had changed places, sliding into the seat beside Remus. "Sorry, Mundungus smells _really bad, _and I thought you might be a better shot. Do you want some food? I'm kind of hungry. Can I go get you a plate?"

"I'm good." Remus smiled. "I can get it myself."

"There's a bunch of people up there, are you sure you've got it?"

"Yes, thank you." He grabbed her hand and squeezed it. It was a very simple gesture but it was the simple gestures that always made him feel more connected to the outside world, until the crippling anxiety about invading her personal space came in. But she shook his hand firmly with reassurance.

"Then I'm going to go get myself some food and I'll be right back." She jumped up from her seat, patting him on the back.

"Hey Tonks, I like your hair like that!" A voice across the room told her.

"Hestia, hang on just a second, I meant to ask you something during the meeting, real quick..." And with that, she disappeared.

"How are you holding up over here, Lupin?" A man's voice asked, touching his shoulder.

Remus turned his head, but the man was on his other side already. "Excuse me?" He knew he sounded more rude than he intended.

"Arthur Weasley here." The man informed. "Molly told me about you and Sirius's... _adventure _this afternoon with Nymphadora. She's not skinned you up too much over it, has she?"

"Not yet." Remus replied simply. He thought Molly was about to. But after the meeting, things seemed to calm down a bit. That was until Sirius got into it with her over Harry. "My apologies if I'm a bit off put, I'm actually quite tired from today."

"I'm sure!" Remus couldn't read if that was a positive or a negative response. Arthur lowered his voice. "Between the two of us, I can't imagine how long the two of you have been planning this-"

"It was rather impromptu, actually." Remus turned his head to be closer when he talked to him.

"Well, at least I can't imagine how badly you would have wanted to go outside, just to get some fresh air." Arthur told him.

"Thank you for trying, at least." Remus nodded. Arthur touched him on the back, a bit too hard. He promptly walked away. This was a bit confusing.

"I am back!" Tonks proudly announced as she slid back into her seat, setting down a plate in front of her. She was looking for his hand. She placed something soft and kind of... squishy?... in his hand. It was warm and it also sort of felt dusty. Remus concluded that it was a bread roll. "I watched Mundungus take three, so I thought I'd get you one before they were all gone."

"Thank you." Remus smiled. He didn't really want the roll, but that was a nice gesture. He didn't know why she even gave it to him. She was always so nice to him. It didn't even feel like she was trying to baby him anymore, she was just always doing nice things for him. "What did Molly make? Smells good. I swear I spent the entire meeting just trying to figure out what it was."

"Beef stew." He could feel her lean over in her seat towards him. "Just name a time, and I'll make sure to take you out again. Maybe we can go further next time, yeah?"

He found himself smiling. He was already beginning to imagine everything else that was outside. He wanted to stretch his legs out again. "You know, I'd like that."


	9. Chapter IX

"You look _tired." _Tonks yawned.

Remus wasn't exactly having a great morning on his feet. "Morning." He grumbled.

"What's wrong?" She asked, turning in her seat.

Remus didn't hesitate to smash his toe into the doorway. He couldn't even muster up the energy to curse, he just closed his eyes and sighed really loudly. "This is how... my _entire_ morning has been going so far."

Her chair slid back. "Let me help you sit down then."

"I've got it."

"No really, I can-"

_"I said,_ I've got it." He didn't mean to shout at her.

Tonks sink back into her seat. "Sorry. Go ahead then." Remus hobbled over to the table and managed to slowly sit down. "Can I get you some tea then?"

He sighed again. "No, I'll get it myself."

"You're going to burn your fingers-"

"I'll be _fine!" _Remus growled. "Will you _please _let me do this?"

"I'm letting you, I just offered to help for crying out loud!" She raised her voice back.

He mustered himself up to idly shuffle himself around the table to the kitchen. She was right, he did nearly burn his hand, but he didn't, and she didn't need the satisfaction of being right. "God... _fucking_... damnit..." Remus mumbled to himself. There was a small calamity and stuff came falling out of the cabinet.

"What's wrong?" Tonks called from the other side of the kitchen.

"You know, it would really be quite pleasant if people would stop moving the bloody sugar around!" Remus bowed his head, resting his forehead on his arm on the cabinet door. Then he was struck with a realization. "Tonks, don't you have a _job _you're supposed to be at?"

"That's an astute observation, however, it's four in the evening on a Friday." Tonks shot back.

"Wait... _what?"_ _Friday_. It was Friday night already. Remus remembered falling asleep on Thursday night, but he didn't realize he slept all day. "Wait, if it's Friday, how did Harry's sentencing go?"

"It went fine." Tonks said. "The Ministry decided to drop it. He's going back to school."

"If it's four in the evening... should I ask how long the tea's been sitting here for?"

"It's fresh, I made it when I came home from work." She informed him. Tonks was walking around the table to get to him. "Are you hungry any?"

Remus shrugged. "No not really."

"I'm _starving_. I just got back from taking a shower." Tonks did sound more exhausted than usual. "I've been in a disguise all day. It's nice to finally feel like myself again."

That was another thing Remus picked up about her. She seemed to be a master of disguise. The other girls always talked about her changing her hair to something new or her changing her face as a sort of entertainment, and during the meetings, there was always talk of her dressing up as someone or another to get bits and pieces of informations. And Tonks was rather good at it. She had mastered the art of faking voices and changing them to match other people's and she also seemed to have a wide variety of wardrobe that she used to imitate people. Remus's only concern was that perhaps she was getting to know him in preparation of imitating him.

"I need to tell you something real quick." Tonks sounded concerned, like she must have been frowning. "It's about Sirius. He was really happy about Harry's sentence, but something's been weird all day. You know anything?"

"I've... obviously been asleep all day, why? What's wrong?"

"I... I may have been the one to fuel this, in part. I can't take all the blame, but I can say that I did start the drama with Sirius, because I... Well, we were just talking and I confided in him some things that were really personal about me and... actually, just forget it. I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry if I made things tense, but I never meant to start a lot of drama."

"It's such closed quarters, I think it was bound to happen eventually. Do you... mind if I ask what you two talked about?" This was quite intriguing. Remus thought that this might be the moment Tonks confessed her feelings about his friend to him.

"I'm really embarrassed about it, if I'm being frank." Tonks got a bit too quiet for a moment. "Anyways, enough of this. This is all so... _stupid, _and... I'm hungry. Do you want to go somewhere and eat? I have money, don't worry."

"You didn't say anything and about me, did you? Just asking because Sirius and I are... he's being a bit of a prick and I don't want to bother his sulking right now. You might have better luck getting through to him."

"No, nothing bad, honest."

_"Nothing_, or nothing bad?"

"Let's just drop this whole mess, huh? Hey, why don't you go throw some shoes on and we'll go." Tonks was dodging the discussion, but it was almost too obviously that they both wanted to talk about it. "I invited him, but he said no."

This whole thing was confusing and mildly frustrating and Remus wanted to be done with it. He wanted to be done with people talking behind people's backs and just generally acting like teenagers. Then again, he was dealing with someone in their early twenties and another who had the mentality of one at times because he was still trying to manage all of the time he lost in Azkaban. He wanted to know what they talked about, why this started in the first place, and why they just kept running in circles with this game, but he was tired and come to think of it, he was actually rather hungry. He had gotten dressed, but not well at all. But Remus didn't care, so he put on some shoes and went to meet Tonks downstairs.

"I'm hungry." Tonks announced bluntly as they were walking down the sidewalk. It was still quite sunny outside as things began to slowly shift from afternoon to the nightlife. Tonks has a grip on his arm, steering him around people on the sidewalk.

"I thought we had already established that." Remus said dryly.

"I'm reminding you that I'm here and that _I'm hungry." _She leaned closer to him, nudging him.

"I knew _that."_ Remus said. "I thought we were on our _way_ to _get _the food."

"Then maybe you should act like _you're_ hungry so I don't feel bad, like I'm the only one who wants to eat."

"I thought this was _your_ idea."

"It was, but I don't want to be alone in it."

"Then pick somewhere to go and I'll follow you."

"I really don't like this 'being in charge' act you're having me do."

"Well what am I supposed to do, huh?"

"I dunno, tell me what you want to eat?"

"Just pick the next place we walk by." He suggested. "So, what does it look like we're eating?"

"Italian, I think, unless that's not okay with you, then-"

"We're eating Italian food, and _I_ hope that's okay with _you,_ since you have the decisive skills of a loaf of bread."

"Hey, that's a really _mean_ thing to say about bread."

The food was actually quite good and surprisingly inexpensive. There were a few minor bumps that they ran into, but had an otherwise good experience. Firstly, upon being recognized by the host at the door, Remus was handed a Braille menu. This didn't bode well, considering he had to explain that he did not know Braille and would just had to have Tonks order for him. Tonks, for whatever reason, decided to drink wine. A man with limited mobility in an unfamiliar setting with a woman who drank wine faster than she ate her food? Not a great mixture.

Tonks was only stumbling just a bit more than usual when they left, her fine motor skills becoming slightly more adaptive.

"I never took you as a person who drank wine." Remus confessed.

"Thanks, I learned from my mum. She's big on stuff like um, like the white wine? I dunno. I guess I learned to like it." Tonks replied. "It's still light out. You want to walk through the park?"

"Sure." He shrugged.

"Really? You're up for it?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

They walked a bit further and the sidewalk turned into an uneven brick, before becoming fine grass. They walked for what felt like ages and ages of silence.

"Here, do you mind sitting on the grass?" Tonks asked. "This is a good spot."

"Are you going to make me sit in something?"

"Maybe."

"Tonks."

"No, I'm not going to make you sit in dog shit. Have a seat." Remus helped himself onto the ground. There was actually a pleasant breeze in the shade.

"Excuse me, but some of us aren't, what, five feet tall? I'm going to stretch my legs out because I can't sit on them, if you don't mind, but I don't want to kick you."

"I'm not five feet tall!"

"You're really short."

"You don't know that! You can't even see me standing up!"

"Maybe it's because you're so short. You're so short, I just can't see you."

She made a "hrrmph" noise. "I'm going to make you something."

_"Make_ me something?"

"Mhm. I don't know if you noticed, but we're sitting next to a small patch of clover and dandelions."

"I _didn't_ notice, but why is that important and why are you _making me something?"_

She gave this really cute laugh. "Because I'm going to make you something."

"You said that already!" Remus was only playfully frustrated, laughing along with her.

"You have to wait and see it when I'm done!" Tonks sassed him. It sounded like she was plucking grass out of the ground. Every now and again, she sounded exceedingly disappointed with herself.

Remus tilted his head back. "Is it safe to talk here? Are we alone?"

"We're underneath a tree right now, and we're not very close to the path. There's not anyone nearby, no."

"Tonks, may I ask you something sort of personal?"

"You may ask me anything."

Remus paused just to give himself the opportunity to not say what he was about to say, but he said it anyways. "This has been... driving me a bit insane for the past several weeks and no one seems to talk about it and I haven't a clue what's going on."

"Okay..."

"What's going on between you and... Sirius?" He blurted out.

"I... didn't think anything was going on between us... I mean, besides his usual self, being all secluded and depressed and all that crap... why?"

"Well you know, at first, he seemed rather jealous of the time we were spending together, you and me. And then the two of you—well, you didn't really _fight—_but things got really tense, right? I know how Sirius can act, and I know he's _dreadful_ about taking out his feelings on other people, but I was starting to think perhaps... this fight was about something else?"

"No, no, you're exactly correct." She told him. "Sirius is upset because I choose to spend time with you and go out places with you."

"And not with him?"

He can't, or doesn't want to, or doesn't let himself, I dunno. I just know that maybe I can't save him from himself, but maybe I can... you know, help you get fresh air before you lose your mind just as much." Tonks explained, picking at the grass. "I promise, I know you two have had a good thing going for a long time and I don't want to get involved, but I'm concerned about how little time he's spent with you since the accident. He's not helped you adjust and you're not getting to go outside, and _really, _Remus, this could mess you up long term. I can already see Sirius having these problems and he's _fully_ capable. Not that you're not capable, I meant physically, he-"

"It's fine, I know what you meant."

"I'm sorry if that sounded rude-"

"You're fine, really." Remus told her. "I- yes, I am concerned about that too, but you have to think about who we're dealing with here. He's one of the most stubborn people I've ever met, matched with being trapped in that house, I'm sure he's developing issues. But no, that's not... that's not quite what I meant."

"What did you mean then?"

"I meant, how little time you're spending with him compared to me. Not... not him being jealous that you're taking _me _away from him, but rather the other way around. That _I'm_ taking _you_ away from him."

"Why.. why would Sirius be jealous over who I spent time with?" Tonks sounded like she could laugh.

"That's what I'm asking." Tonks wasn't catching on. Remus panicked, embarrassed, and decided now was the time to retract his thoughts before she thought he was any more stupid. "You know what? Let's pretend we didn't have this conversation, shall we?"

"It's obviously bothering you, Remus." She was thinking really hard about this. "Wait... _wait_... what, do you think Sirius and I are... _together_ or something? Or that we have... _feelings_ for one another, yeah?"

"That's what _I'm _wondering."

"Why would we- _Remus_, he's my _cousin. _You knew that!"

"I _did_ know that, but I didn't know if you were, say, 'third cousins, twice removed by marriage, someone's probably been adopted, and none of us talk anymore' kind of cousins!"

"His mum's mum and my mum's mum were sisters! And besides, we're not like that, okay? We are _absolutely not _like that. Not in any way, or any shape, or any form. It doesn't even matter. Where did you _ever_ get the idea from?" Tonks sighed. At least Remus felt a bit better knowing that there was nothing going on between Sirius and Tonks. That would be... _weird_... the age difference was almost digusting to think about. Remus was just glad he didn't have to think about that. "That's... quite the opposite of what's going on here!" Remus didn't pester about what _that_ meant.

"I dunno, you two were acting so weird, I thought maybe you made him angry and he decided to go and talk bad to me behind your back... or perhaps he was trying to hide it from me by saying how much he hated the way you dressed. This is _Sirius_ we're talking about. He thinks like a fifteen year old when it comes to women. I think he thinks if he tells you how ugly you are, it means he likes you."

She scoffed. "Remus, you seem rather insecure."

Remus didn't know how to react to that abrupt comment. Should he agree? Be offended? Sarcasm? "And you seem to be lacking some context here."

"I wasn't talking about your eyes. I mean, it's like I start spending time with you, and you create this elaborate story about how Sirius and I have been _copulating_ behind your back and now I'm spending time with you just to make him angry or something."

"You _did _mention him being handsome, did you not?" Remus defended.

"He's a nice looking man! I admire his tattoos! You said it himself, he looked just like me when he was younger. Dressing alike, and all."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I brought this up, but it's like you said, he's not really talking to me right now. I've really got no one else around at the moment, I think part of me was worried about losing my friend because she wanted to go date my _other_ friend. And on top of that, I can't make up my mind on how I feel about Sirius, whether I should be mad at him or mad at myself because we just... we're never going to be friends like we used to be."

Tonks reached over and touched his hand. "I'm sorry."

Remus was a bit startled. He felt like he was talking too much and he couldn't shake off the thought that he wished they had never had this conversation, beating back any reassuring thoughts that they were actually getting somewhere. "It's nothing, really-"

"It's okay to admit that something bad is happening to you, you know. There's nothing wrong in saying you want him to be a better friend."

"But _I _could be a better friend." Remus said. "That's what gets me, is that I feel like all of this could have been prevented and I could just make the effort, take the time, to be the better person, but instead _I'm-"_

"Stop it." Tonks cut him off. "Maybe you could be a better friend, so why not start now? There's no shame in starting something you wish you were two months ago. You won't get anywhere if you don't start. Just watch and see. Maybe he'll reach back out to you too."

"I don't know if I'm allowed to be upset at him. I don't know if you can forgive someone who thought you were a murderer for thirteen years."

"That's not your fault, Remus. He's the one who has to go and forgive you." Tonks paused to breathe. "Are we okay now?"

"Are we? Who, you mean you and me?"

"Yeah."

Remus paused. He nodded. "Yeah, I think we're good now."

"Okay, lean towards me." She instructed him. He leaned his body towards hers. His face was almost uncomfortably close to hers. "Turn your head down towards me, if you don't mind, please." He did.

He could feel her fingers messing with the locks on his head, but very meticulous. "Are you... playing with my _hair?" _

"Well, _obviously_ I am." She said.

"Why— what are you doing?"

"I dunno. I mean, when we've gone out before, it seems like you get really excited when I pick up stuff for you to touch or smell. Like flowers and stuff? I'm guessing you like them."

"You mean like that day lily you stole?"

"It was a _flower!_ I didn't _steal_ it!"

"It was in someone's garden!"

"That's not my point, okay! We're talking about you liking them!"

"Okay, sure, I like them."

"Good... because you look quite handsome with them in your hair." Tonks said lightly. She must have been smiling.

"Wait-"

"Be gentle!" She snapped. "You look _adorable! _I mean, you look quite_ handsome. _I made you a little flower.. chain... _thing_... I dunno, I learned how to make them when I was a kid."

"Wow, really?" Remus was only being halfway sarcastic now. "Thank you."

"And I did a little bit charming so they won't wilt and get smushed like the day lily did."

"You mean the one you _stole?"_

"I. Didn't. Steal. It!"

"Sorry, you mean the one you _borrowed?"_

"You're _awful."_ She hit him on the arm without warning.

"Ow! Tonks!" He exclaimed, more shocked that in actual pain. Remus reaches over to push her back just the same. She squealed with laughter. Something told him that she had fallen over onto her back, stretching out on the ground.

"I'll tell Molly you're being mean to me, and then what?"

"Oh will you now? Because I don't see Molly anywhere nearby. Doesn't seem like you've got much help here." Remus smiled. "You're not so big and bad all in your own, are you?"

Tonks laughed heartily. "Well neither are _you!"_


	10. Chapter X

"Hey, I need you to come get him up for me."

Remus didn't need to hear anything else to know what Tonks meant. Sirius had been in bed for most of the day today. They didn't pay it much mind, assuming "Sirius will be Sirius" and that he was probably doing some odd job or was sitting with Buckbeak, until Harry said he couldn't find him. The house was just big enough that if you weren't looking, you could lose someone. It wasn't uncommon to not see or hear from someone until mealtimes, and you could almost lose track of all the people that came and went all the time. Of all the people in the world, Sirius wouldn't have usually lock Harry out. If he talked to anyone, it was always Harry.

So Remus was still trying to put the story together. Sirius wasn't talking to Sirius because she said something personal (and somehow Remus got dragged into that). Sirius was also trying to stop talking to Remus after the accident, Remus presumed, because he didn't know how to handle it. On top of all that, Sirius had been explicitly warned not to leave the house. All of this was playing in Remus's mind every time he tried to go to sleep. All he could think about was how he was supposed to be trying to fix this, but he had no idea how to.

At least he was talking to Harry. Harry was his pride and joy and everything Sirius did had him in mind. All Sirius ever wanted was for him to be safe and happy, and have at least somewhat of a normal life. In just a couple of months, however, he was going to lose him when he went off to school. Dumbledore had made it clear that while Sirius was his guardian, he could not be the _sole_ guardian, and that until Harry was seventeen, he could not live with Sirius. At which point, Sirius asked, "why bother?" Didn't most seventeen year olds want to move away from home? He had had such little time with the boy that he was no longer even a boy.

But Sirius hadn't gotten out of bed today.

It wasn't common nor unusual for Remus to sleep late or sleep the entire day. He had a sense of light, but it always disturbed him enough that he was constantly restless. He was always falling into a deep sleep, but he never quite felt rested. He had no clock to tell him when to go to sleep and when to wake up, so it seemed like every week was a new schedule.

But this was _Sirius. _The same Sirius who was just helping Molly with lunch or was feeding Buckbeak or helping get the never-ending supply of doxies out of the moth eaten curtains around the windows. He was _just _there.

Remus has no wand and he hadn't attempted magic in the last couple of months, but he wasn't about to let that keep him from being the only one not working (also, it was mostly Molly who told him he had to work, but Remus wanted to anyway). He was in charge of holding a large plastic bag that whenever they found a dead mouse or a dead doxie or any kind of trash, they at least had somewhere to put it. Remus was quite proud of the fact that he was getting better at finding people from across the room when they called him, although he did manage to creep up on people enough to make them jump. He tried to think of that lightly.

Currently in the room, Remus knew there were the twins, Hermione, and Ron, though Remus suspected Ron had snuck out, because he was never that quiet.

"Remus?" A familiar woman's voice came through the doorway. Something sounded wrong.

"Tonks?"

"I need your help with something." She told him.

"What's wrong?" He quickly folded up the garbage bag and set it aside, following her voice.

"Hey, I need you to come get him up for me." She said quietly. She was _weirdly_ quiet. Something seemed very wrong.

"Is he still in his room?"

"Yeah, on the bed. I didn't go past the doorway, I thought maybe you should go see him." They we're already on their way upstairs to his room. The stopped, and she opened the door. "I'll leave you two alone, okay? Please try and talk to him."

Tonks walked away.

"Hey Sirius?" Remus announced. "You're still breathing, aren't you, mate?"

Remus knew that he was of course. One, Tonks, a trained auror, wouldn't have abandoned him if he wasn't breathing. And two, he could hear his faint breathing and rustling under the bedsheets.

"We're worried about you. No one's heard from you in a bit. Are you tired? It's Remus. Tonks is already gone, so you can talk to me. I'm alone." No response. "Seriously, you should at least drink some water if you're going to be completely sedentary all day." No response. "It's a bit after noon. Should I come back before dinner?"

No response.

"You know, I'm really trying to figure you out right now. There's a million things you could be angry at me for, but for once in my life, I don't want to shut up. Why are you being so quiet? To me and to Tonks? Are you upset because we've gone out because that's only been a couple times and I know she would happily take you if you changed. Are you upset because I've been ignoring you? Because I've not been trying to. I thought you didn't want anything to do with me, so I backed off and now you're hole up here. I'm sorry for whatever I've done. I know I can't speak for Tonks, but I know she's just as clueless and sorry as I am. We just want you to come out and talk to us again, like you used to. Something's wrong and all we want is to help you."

"I know." His voice said quietly. "Can you come sit for a second?" Remus stumbled over to what he presumed the bed was. He had never actually been in here and he didn't know where he was going. "I'm going to need you to _back up, _mate, my _face_ is _right here."_

"Sorry." Remus mumbled and awkwardly sat towards the other end.

"Not that far, it's okay." Sirius's was sitting up. "Okay."

"Okay." Remus repeated. "Do you want to talk about what's going on or would you rather not?"

"You need to know something." Sirius told him. "And the thing is, is I have no idea how you're going to react to this and I don't know if I know how to handle this."

"What's wrong?"

"It's about you and Tonks."

"Sirius, I'm not going to quit having _friends_ because you don't like them, or whatever it is you've got going here-"

"She likes you." Sirius blurted out.

Remus paused. "Okay." He said. He was assuming that Sirius didn't mean what he thought he meant.

"I don't know how I feel about that." Sirius's confessed. "I don't know if you do."

"Why- Why would I see any particular way about this?"

"Remus, she _likes _you." He repeated. "My _cousin fancies_ my best friend. I'm trying to simplify this for you because I feel like you don't get it."

"I... she is what? I don't understand why she would-"

So this was certainly news for him. Remus couldn't quite process what this meant. She was so young and full of life and _why on earth _would she look at someone like _him_ and begin to feel affection of all things? But things made more sense now. When Remus was under the presumption that it was _Sirius_ she fancied, _of course _he had been upset. He didn't want to see that. He didn't know why, but cousins or not, he didn't want the two of them together. But he was more afraid of losing them as friends.

"She told me a good while back." Sirius told him. "I dunno, I just... I have a bad feeling about this, you know? I mean, she's thirteen years younger than us. I don't know what the others would say about you. But I feel sort of... left out anyways. I'm sorry for being such a downer, but you need to know."

"Is that why you didn't come out this morning? Because I'm still upset that we've been cleaning up dead rodents while you get to sleep-"

"Stop trying to change the subject." Sirius said firmly. "You need to sort this out with her. I don't care how."

Remus sighed. "I'm sorry, but I'm really rather tired of all this drama that you're creating."

"I'm sorry, but she didn't want you to know! Excuse me for being a little grossed out at the proposition that the two of you would be..." Sirius was angry and flustered, and was making wild hand gestures. "Am I the only one who thinks that maybe that's a little _weird?"_

What Sirius was saying made sense _logically._ He was saying words that portrayed Tonks as having some sort of romantic inclination towards Remus. But it still wasn't exactly registering properly. Remus was listening, but it sounded like nothing more than reading off a shopping list, because that was about as much sense as it made.

"I thought she liked _you_ there for a while." Remus quietly confessed.

"What!" Sirius seemed at least ten times more disgusted at this notion than Tonks was. He raised his voice to a point that made Remus jerk away from him.

"I know where you're coming from though, because that's how I felt!" Remus threw in quickly.

"So what are you going to tell her?"

"I..." Remus felt his eyes tear into him. "I need to ask her about this first and we'll get this all sorted out and you're going to quit acting _stupid _and you're actually going to act normal, right?"

"You don't actually have _feelings_ for her, do you?" Sirius demanded.

"I don't know what I'm feeling right now, okay? Can you let me think about this for a minute?"

The idea was finally begin to sink into his mind. He didn't understand it. What about him was supposed to be attractive? His _face? _That was a bit repulsive to imagine that she actually _preferred _to look at his face. She was just being childish, wasn't she? This was some childish crush that he was going to have to talk her down from. But if he brought it up, they were never going to look at each other the same way, were they? She was still his _friend._ Did she even see him as a friend anymore? How long had she been feeling this way about him?

"I'm sorry." Sirius mumbled. "Maybe I shouldn't have said anything."

"I'm just tired of all of us ignoring each other like this." Remus sounded a bit like he was scolding him. "I'll sort this out and we're all going to quit acting like this. We're just going to go to go on with our lives."

xxxxx

When Remus went to sleep that night, he saw her face for this first time.

Dreaming was either quite pleasant for Remus, or was utterly _terrifying._ On the one hand, getting to see colours and objects was very euphoric. He wanted to see his old house again. He wanted to see trees and gardens and animals again. He had mentally created a layout of what he thought Grimmauld looked like. It wasn't perfect, but he made it out of the descriptions the others had given him.

The people? Utterly terrifying. Not because they were grotesque or disfigured, but whenever he found himself having a conversation with someone he knew while he was dreaming, their face was never correct. He couldn't quite remember faces, but he could remember people well enough to know when their faces were just plain _wrong. _What scared him was when he was lucid enough to look at someone and tell them that their face was wrong and they would get so offended with him, they walked away, and then he could wake up wondering if someone was genuinely angry at him.

But then there was Tonks. He had never actually _seen_ her face before, but there were tiny details he knew about her. She had piercings in her ears and one in her nose. She was considerably shorter than him. She wore a lot of black. Her hair was fairly short (unless she was in a disguise in which, she never made it much longer).

He felt pretty awful for making up a face for her when he woke up. But as soon as he saw her in his sleep, he knew he recognized her immediately.

Remus had mentally clipped together what little information he knew (or thought he knew) about her with other people he had previously seen. She looked _really _familiar (he hoped that he hadn't given her the face of someone famous or from an advertisement he had once seen, but he also hoped he hadn't given her the face that belonged to someone else that he knew). That was _her face _now. He gave her brown hair and light coloured eyes, and freckles, but only around her nose that could be seen close up. She was quite pretty, and that surprised him.

When he saw her at breakfast the next morning, she was polite as always, talking as if nothing had ever been different between them and she knew nothing different from any other day, and it was like his whole world went spinning. When she laughed, he could _see_ her laughing. He could see her smirk and roll her eyes and he could pretend it was the real thing. He wanted nothing more than to listen to her talk all day long.

She had _such_ a pretty laugh.

And for just a second, he let himself imagine that maybe he fancied her just as much as she fancied him.


	11. Chapter XI

**AN: Soooo... I made a poll for this story and if you want, you can check it out. I made it so I don't look like I'm begging for reviews (I mean, I probably am, but I'm trying to at least be subtle). Still plenty of time to vote, I'm not closing it until I actually get close to that part of the story, I just want to know how I should plan on continuing. Like I said, still a LOT of time.**

The kitchen area was filling up with people, but they all seemed to be half asleep. Molly was cooking breakfast, so most of the people were half asleep and having their own personal conversations amongst coffee and orange juice. The kitchen smelled like sausages and "Good morning!" Tonks said cheerfully. She guided a cup of orange juice into Remus's hand. "Looks like both of you boys managed to get up on time today."

Remus could feel himself smile. It seemed very involuntary and he felt quite stupid standing there, only to have Sirius jab him painfully between the ribs. "Good- _morning,_ Tonks, and how are you today?"

"Smooth, Sirius," Tonks replied. "I'm doing well, Remus, how are you?"

"I'm-" He gave a weird, nervous cough. "I'm doing well, actually. And how are you?"

"You... already asked me that, but thank you, I'm doing well." She seemed confused. Remus was mentally reprimanding himself as much as he could with frustration.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Right, does anyone want toast?"

"I'll take some!" A girl's high pitched voice asked. Several teenage boys also chimed in with the same request ion. Sirius was humming quietly to himself as he went off to make toast or do whatever it was he was doing.

"You okay?" Tonks asked.

"Mmhmm." Remus nodded. "I'm okay, yes. Are you woking today?"

"Unfortunately." She sighed. "As much as I love it there, I feel really useless sometimes. There seems to be a lot more to being an auror that what it's made out to be."

"You're not useless." Remus told her.

"Oh, hey Moony, do you mind sliding over a bit?" Sirius's butted in, almost painfully pushing past him.

"Oh, sorry." He said.

"I think mostly too I just don't want to get out in all that rain." Tonks sighed. "By the way, I was going to ask you about something. I know you mentioned a while back something about-"

_"Excuse_ _me, _I'm walking through again. Need a knife." Sirius announced, a bit too loudly, trying to interrupt again.

Remus turned quickly, grabbing the drawer, and pulling out a butter knife with a sort of flourish. "Here. Take it."

Sirius was startled. "Oh... thanks."

"No problem." Remus said dryly. "I apparently mentioned something?"

"Mmm..." Tonks was thinking. "Yes! So I'm going to try and look for something so that you can learn to read. Like... a book? I dunno, I'm thinking maybe I could find something, like how kids have to learn how to read, but you know-" She was gesturing with her hand. "Sirius, I swear, what's your problem!"

"Nothing!" Sirius said defensively.

"Well stop being so annoying!" Tonks growled.

Remus didn't know what was going on, but he was a bit curious about it.

"I'm not being annoying." Sirius said plainly.

_"Anyways,"_ Tonks turned back to Remus. "What do you think?"

"I don't want you spending money on me." Remus shook his head nervously. He _really_ didn't want her to do that. Tonks was always putting in so much time and energy for him and he had nothing to give her back. And to make it worse, what was she doing this out of? An unnervingly un-platonical-and-maybe-perhaps-romantic-feelings kindness? He wasn't even sure he had that to give to her.

Remus has to admit something to himself, and only to himself, within the confines of his mind that no one would would be able reach: Remus Lupin was completely and utterly in love with the idea that a living breathing person looked at him, and somewhere within their heart or the chemicals inside their brain or somewhere within the life-source of their soul or whatever it was that they mustered it up from with courage, felt an emotion comparable to love. He would not call it _love_, because that was insinuating that Tonks _loved_ him, and he didn't want to say that she did because that was _weird_, and frankly a bit... _gross_. He tried to think up a word that he could use. _Affectionate_, but many people were affectionate to him. Remus could argue that Sirius was affectionate sometimes, if he ever wanted to or tried to be. _Infatuation_? That felt just about as immature and inappropriate as "_love_" did. _Sentiment_? Everyone was sentimental. Remus could even argue that sentimental wasn't even a positive emotion, under some circumstance ("see _Snape"). Cherishing was almost a good word. She cherished him. But that almost sounded a bit more like he was some kind of token to her. Devotion? Lustful? Nope. No, no, no, no, no, no. He absolutely was not going down that rabbit hole. _

Fondness. Fondness was a nice word to call it. Maybe it wasn't the best word to describe it, but it was appropriate and he liked he. She was fond of him, he was fond of her, and those were sensible statements. Not too much, not too little, fondness was a decent description of how he felt and how he thought she must feel back.

Now to the worst part, _what if Sirius was wrong? _What if he had already become so attached to the idea that Tonks felt some kind of _fondness_ for him and he felt some kind attachment to the idea of having someone care about him, but what if she didn't feel that way?

"I know, but I don't mind." Tonks replied. "But you've got to learn eventually, haven't you? It's not like it's that much."

_"Really,_ you don't have to do anything for me." Remus urged quietly, trying his best to shut down the entire situation. He liked that she gave him attention, but only in theory. In practice, he felt as if the entire kitchen had their eyes on him and he didn't want to be selfish and have her do so much for him. If he told her that they couldn't have anything other than their friendship, was she ever going to talk to him again? Would things be the same between them? Was he leading her on if they tried to stay friends? "You're being very kind and I appreciate it, but I don't need anything else."

"Don't be so modest." She chuckled. "What, have you got better things to do, like sulk ominously in front of the window curtains all day? 'Cause I'm sure we've already got Snape for that. Sirius said you used to love to read. Didn't you say that? That sounds absolutely too boring for me, I don't think I can sit that still for that long, but I think it's great if you're into that. "

"I don't think I've ever seen him go this long without his nose in a book, to be completely frank." Sirius's chimed in. "He actually got his prefect privileges suspended once because he was reading in the hallway while he was supposed to be doing rounds, and some kids got caught trying to shag in one of the bathrooms-"

"First of all, _Sirius_, _you_ were one of those kids-"

"Hey, don't be giving any ideas!" One of the twins scolded from the end of the table. This was unnerving Remus. Currently, one of his biggest anxieties was finding out that people could hear and see him when he thought he was alone. This already started when he would sneak downstairs to eat and Harry, who seemed to have a _serious_ case of insomnia, caught him twice, standing in complete darkness with a bowl of cereal in his hands.

"Wouldn't you like to have that _back?"_

"I- well, of course I would, but it would never be the same, would it?" Remus replied.

"That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to challenge yourself." Tonks was clearly frowning. "Or are you _scared?"_

"I'm not scared of anything." Remus quipped back.

"That sounds like something someone who was afraid of something would say." Tonks replied.

There were heavy and unusual footsteps entering the kitchen in a hurried manner.

"Nymphadora, are you finished socializing? We will be needing you to meet up with us in an hour!" Moody grumbled. "Do you have your disguise prepared?"

"I didn't... realize I was going on a mission today, I thought I was going to Ministry today. I haven't called in, or-"

"Unfortunately, Nymphadora, you've suddenly come down with an illness and I can validate the claim that you've already been to St. Mungo's and you're at home, resting." The deep voice that belonged to Kingsley said.

"Will you quit saying that!" Tonks shot back. She took a big sip from her drink. "Okay, okay, I'm going with you, I got it, let me finish my coffee first."

"Constant vigilance!" Mad-Eye barked at her. She was seemingly unfazed.

"Alright, Alright, I'll make up something. Let me run upstairs, and I'll get some clothes, five minutes-"

"Actually, Alastor, I was wondering if I could ask you a favour?" Molly Weasley interjected. "The kids found something upstairs. One of the bedrooms, there's a wardrobe and it's rattling like there's something inside. Could you take a look? I think it may be a boggart, but I don't want to open it and have it be some kind of banshee."

"Banshees don't hide in closets." Remus brought up.

"I'll check for you." May-Eye assured her. There was an indescribable noise that Remus could only think compare to the sound that saliva makes when someone is slowly opening their mouth as loudly as they can. Or if someone was tearing apart gelatinous substances with their fingers.

"Ugh," Tonks made a disgusted sound. "Really? You're going to do this? At _breakfast?"_

Sirius was completely disconnected from anything going on around him. "I made toast!"

"Excuse me, I might throw up." Remus said wearily. "What is that sound?"

"His eye." Tonks said. "It sounds worse than it looks, I promise."

Remus nodded furiously. "Mhm, where's the sink?"

"Here," Tonks grabbed his arm and swiftly lead him to the sink. He didn't throw up, but he felt extremely nauseous and disoriented.

"Do those... _always_ make that noise?"

"Not since that bloody bastard took it from me and started using polyjuice it hasn't." Mad-Eye brought up. "Now the damn thing won't fit right. But Molly it looks as if you've got a boggart on your hands. I don't mind taking care of it for you."

"We'll get it before we leave." Tonks replied. There was a loud "pop" noise. "Really? Just take it out in the middle of the kitchen, I suppose. It's not gross or anything."

"I can help. With the boggart, I mean." Remus offered.

"Might I remind you that you don't have a wand, Lupin." Mad-Eye reminded him.

"Sirius, could I borrow your wand?"

"I don't know if you should-"

"I can handle a boggart, Sirius."

"I know, but it's not your wand. It's not the same." Sirius's argues. "What if it does more harm than good?"

"I think I'll be okay, really."

The boggart in the upstairs wardrobe was relentless. Mad-Eye took a turn with it. Molly Weasley tried, but she handled it terribly, supposedly cycling through her entire family and their dead bodies. Sirius took a go and had his Mum screeching at him. Tonks took a couple of turns and those were quite brutal on her. Then, Sirius handed Remus his wand.

"Riddikulus!"

Remus wasn't exactly sure if he was pointing Sirius's wand in the correct direction, but he thought so, based on a distinct crack he heard. In that moment, no one really knew what was about to happen.

There was an eternity long pause and no one said anything. Remus could hear footsteps shuffling.

"Hello?" Remus broke the silence. His wand faltered, but he never lowered it.

"Remus? Are you... okay?" Tonks asked. "Where's the boggart? Did it... disappear?"

_"Hello?" _Remus said a bit more impatiently. "Sirius? Tonks? Molly? _Anyone?"_

"We're right here, mate." Sirius's voice was weird when he was talking.

"This isn't funny." Remus informed them.

"Remus, we're right here. We haven't gone anywhere."

"Oh yeah, this is hilarious. Ha ha, what's going on? Where's the boggart? Why are you all so quiet?" Remus demanded.

"He can't hear us." Sirius said. He walked across the room and he firmly grabbed Remus by the shoulders. "Hey! We're right here!" Shouting wasn't working.

Remus jumped back about three feet after Sirius touched him. He crossed his arms, a frightened look on his face. "What was that? What just touched me? Was that the boggart?"

"Do you think he's deaf? Do you think that's his fear?" Tonks wondered. "Is the boggart invisible?"

"No, I think it's inside of him." Mad-Eye announced.

"Did you _know_ that this would happen?" Tonks demanded.

"Hello?" Remus's voice was growing more and more desperate. "Did you all leave me here?"

"And what exactly do you mean that it's _inside_ of him?"

"I can see it." Mad-Eye explained. "It's inside of his head. He can't hear because it's so small, it's getting to his brain."

"This can't be good." Sirius remarked.

"Thank you for stating the obvious, Sirius!"

"How do we get it out of him? Do _you_ have any ideas? How do we fight it if we can't see it?"

"We should stun him." Mad-Eye announced, drawing his wand. "The boggart won't take to him if he's unconscious."

"Will someone PLEASE tell me what's going on! _Hello!_ I know you can hear me!" Remus was getting louder and more persistent.

"Oh, Remus-" Tonks was becoming increasingly worried. "You'll hurt him!"

"The boggart will hurt him more, if we can't get it out." Sirius explained.

"We caught the boggart, let's take him to Mungo's. They'll dispose of it for us." Tonks was pleading with her superior.

"That will blow our cover, Nymphadora."

"We say we found him then!"

_"EXCUSE ME!" _Remus now looked completely terrified. "Please, will one of you help me? I'm really scared and I don't know where the boggart is."

"Please hang on, please just stay put." Tonks was begging him. He gave no indication that he heard her and she gave no indication that she was giving up on him. "If you're going to stun him, don't hurt him, please, and I'll catch him when he falls."

"You won't be able to, I will." Sirius said. "Do it. Just stun him before he goes completely insane."

"I-" Before Tonks could say anything else, Remus felt something hard and painfully hit him square in the chest. He knees gave out beneath him and he collapsed backward on his legs. Tonks gave a little scream.

There was a lot of fumbling around when Remus felt himself easing into consciousness.

"Hello?"

"Can you hear me? Oh my god-" Someone was holding him. Someone soft with long arms that wrapped around him. She smelled good.

"Yeah. I can hear you." Remus said bluntly. "Thanks for _leaving me,_ by the way."

"We never left, mate." Sirius's voice informed him. "I touched you and you... you completely freaked out. "Did you go deaf when the boggart took to you?"

"No, I wasn't _deaf_. I could hear you, you were all just standing there, watching me!" Remus shot up straight with a frustration. "You didn't say anything or do anything! It tried to grab me and you didn't do _anything! _I think it knocked me out!"

"It made you feel completely alone, that's what it did." Remus concluded that it was Tonks who had been holding him. For a second, he wondered how long she had been cradling his lifeless body in the floor and that was strange. "We were talking to you the whole time."

"By the way, that was _my _hand that grabbed you." Sirius said. "And you screamed at me."

"No it wasn't."" Remus was very sure of himself. "That was _not _a human hand. It was... it was cold, it was like some kind of _claw, it wasn't you."_

"Yeah it was. The boggart got in your head and you couldn't hear us. I guess you were hallucinating too."

"Are you okay now?" Tonks asked. "Feeling any better?"

"What happened to the boggart?"

"We took care of it while you were unconscious."

"Did I faint? It felt like something pushed me."

"We has to stun you to get the boggart to leave you alone."

"Oh, gee, thanks a lot for that." Remus said dryly. "I'm okay now, I think."

"Be careful, please." He heard Tonks say softly as she helped him stand up. "I've got you, don't worry. I've got you."


	12. Chapter XII

The drawing room only had a two occupants. The house was a lot quieter than the past serval weeks considering the kids were gone away at school again. Remus was sitting in the floor, his legs folded in front of him, a wide variety of bottles scattered on the floor. Some of the smaller ones could be concealed in a closed hand white others were about as big as wine bottles. Some were smooth, while others had worn bits of paper taped to them and some of them were rough and ordinate.

He picked up one and uncorked it. He held it up to be visible by the couch. "What colour is it?"

"Mm... looks like swamp water." Tonks was frantically flipping pages in a potions book. Had Snape been there, he could have taken a quick glance at the bottles and identified and labeled them. However, this was one of the many things on Remus's list of busywork, of which Tonks was helping. "Smell it?"

Remus carefully smelled it and winced. _"Smells_ like swamp water."

"Are we sure it's not just swamp water then?" Tonks mumbled.

"Definitely not, I'm betting it's something gone bad. It also smells... sweet? But sweet as in a hot rubbish bun that's been sitting in the sun for a few days." Remus shook his head. "I think we better toss this one."

"Might be safer. Put it in the 'give it to Snape' pile." Tonks instructed him. She yawned quite loudly.

Remus recorked the bottle and rolled it towards a cardboard box that was sitting against the overstuffed sofa. "It's late for you, isn't it?"

"Not really fancying a nap right now, but thank you, if that's what you're going for." Tonks said dryly. She was quiet, drinking in the book she was reading. That, or she was the exact opposite: so tired the words made no sense and were running together as she was beginning to doze off.

"Are you okay?"

"Mhm." She replied. The book slammed shut. She was fumbling around for one on the coffee table.

"You don't sound okay." Remus told her. "You sound like you need to go to bed."

"I've been having bad dreams this week." She confessed. "Not nightmares, but they make me not want to go to bed."

"You must be really stressed from work. Or is it something... else that's been going on?"

"I dunno, it's like... I had a dream where all my teeth fell out and then I peeled all my fingernails off. I had one where I someone had chained me up and I had to get my hands free before I drowned." Tonks told him. "I had one where my parents threatened to marry me off to some creepy old man I didn't know. One where I got fired, one where I've almost been tortured. It's not traumatic or anything, but it's really distressing, to be frank."

"You could take something." Remus suggested. He was currently playing with one of the smaller vials, spinning it between his fingers.

"I don't take potions unless I'm absolutely going to _die."_ She very curtly informed him. "Though I'm sure you've got plenty of sleeping potions over there, if only we could find them."

"Oh, I have a game. Put all of the potions in a circle, draw three. I bet at least one will make you fall asleep like _that." _Remus dramatically snapped his finger.

"I believe those are also called comas, but they probably count as dreamless sleeps." Tonks burst into laughter. Remus didn't think it was that funny, but she was tired, so he let it slide. "So I believe they call that 'double suicide' and frankly I'm not feeling _that_ bad about myself today, but thank you."

"Didn't mean to get too morbid there." Remus chuckled.

"It's fine." Tonks replied. She sighed and slammed another book shut. "I don't even know what I'm looking for right now."

"You really ought to go to bed."

"I'm okay, really, I want to finish these so you don't have to do them on your own."

"I'll make Sirius help me." Remus said, setting down the glass bottle he was playing with. "He won't like it, but I don't care."

She made a humming noise that kind of sounded like a laugh. "Poor Sirius, he might actually try to poison you. Not intentionally, of course." Tonks mused. "I'm glad he's getting over whatever funk he was in. Not that he's going to be all better overnight, but he's been talkative more lately, you know?"

"I think he just has, you know, a lot on his mind right now." Remus nodded. He was struggling a bit to pull him onto his feet. His back popped as he stretched his arms up towards the ceiling. "Personally, I think we all do."

He didn't exactly realize how close he was to the sofa until he felt a cold finger jab him in the stomach. _"Excuse _me?" Remus demanded. Tonks cackled. Remus even found himself laughing along with her. "You're really getting a bit out of hand over there! Getting a bit... punch-drunk... you need to go-"

"I'm not going to bed!" She announced.

"Shh! You'll wake up the entire house." He urged her. "I really appreciate you taking your time to help me, but you've got work in the morning."

Tonks took a sobering breath. "I've only said a million times that I don't mind spending my free time with you. I'll tell you a million more times if that's what you need to hear."

"I..." Remus knew he was going to regret what he was about to say aloud. "I'm a bit concerned about that, actually."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I-" Remus was stammering. "Why are you always hanging around me?"

"I... enjoy your company?" Tonks was a bit put off. "Why?"

"I'm just saying that... it's odd." He informed her. "It's just that I'm a lot older than you and when people look at us, it's a bit... strange, yeah?"

"Not really." She assured. "Why? Are you worried about people thinking we're... dating?"

"It would look odd if we _were_, you know, _hypothetically_, would it not?"

Tonks was thinking. "If I saw us on the street, hypothetically, I don't think we would look odd. Not unless you didn't keep your hypothetical paws off my ass, I wouldn't be annoyed or bothered." She quickly added. "I feel like the, er, you know—couples always touching on each other—that's a universal symbol of being annoying."

"No, yeah, I understand that." Remus turned his head towards the couch. "Could I sit down? I don't want to sit on you."

"Yeah go ahead." She told him. "I don't think we look weird at all."

Remus paused for a moment. He felt like he had already pushed this conversation too far, but he was going to keep pushing at it. "Tonks, why would you want to date me?"

"Uh, where did _that_ come from?" She asked with more bewilderment than he was initially expecting.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I have no idea where that came from, I panicked and for whatever reason, I was under the impression that you were-"

"I didn't say _I didn't want to, _I just don't have the slightest idea where you would get something like that from." Tonks replied. "Oh my god, was it Sirius?"

Remus opened his mouth to say something. "Okay, before you get mad, can you listen for just a second?"

Her fist came slamming down on a pillow. "I cannot _believe_ him right now! He would _actually_ tell you!"

"Hang on, just listen to me, please. Please, Tonks, just listen to me before you get angry."

"I'm _already_ angry, thank you very much!"

"I- an you just listen for a moment? Please?" He pleaded. "He was very distressed because he was worried about the consequences of the two of having a relationship. He's a bit taken aback because you're his cousin and I'm his best friend and I'm so much older than you, that's he's reasonably repulsed by it."

"That's none of his business!"

"Look, I just want you to know that if this was the other way around and it was him and not me, I might be feeling similar."

"You should be reasonably disgusted because he's my _cousin_ and that's _different-"_

"Tonks, all I'm saying is that he's lonely and he doesn't want his two best friends going off and dating and leaving him behind."

"Again, it's not any of his business!" Tonks huffed. "But does that mean that you... you know, _hypothetically _have... feelings for me back?"

Remus was readjusting the pillow behind him. He sat up a bit straighter, but turned his body away from her direction. "I um..."

"If you don't, just say that you don't." She said quickly.

"I... I admit that I... quite enjoy the attention that you bring." He told her. "And I like spending time with you. I really like hearing your voice. You... have a really nice voice?"

"I... have a nice voice." She repeated. "Okay..."

"I'm sorry, I'm not very good at these things. I've not had very many circumstances in which someone has... fancied me."

"Just say you don't like me back and we can just move along, Remus." Tonks lowered her voice with embarrassment. "Save me the sorrow and we'll just go right back to being friends like always and we never have to talk about this again."

"I... see, that's the thing." Remus took a shaky breath. He felt like it was getting harder to breathe now.

"Wait, do you... do you actually fancy me _back?"_ Tonks was waiting on the edge of the sofa, trying to peer closer towards him.

"Um..." His face was getting hotter and hotter and he was getting more nervous. Never before had he felt so trapped in a single room before. He had completely lost all sense of orientation and was glued to the spot.

"Just... say if you don't, if that's easier." Tonks said. "I'm not angry at you. I want you to be honest. You'll hurt my feelings more if you lie than if you say you hate me or something, I dunno."

"I don't hate you." Remus shook his head. "More... of... I _don't_ don't fancy you." He said. "But I don't know if I'm ready to be... if I'm ready to commit to... I don't know if I even-"

Then, out of the clear blue, they were interrupted.

"Knock, knock," Sirius announced himself, letting himself in with less than a proper knock and no regard to their privacy. "Haven't heard you two come downstairs in a bit. Are you busy?"

"Not really." Remus mumbled.

"Yes we're fucking _busy! _Get out!" Tonks raised her voice. "I'll talk to _you_ in a minute!"

"Damn, what's got you all riled up?" Sirius asked nonchalantly. "Oh, don't tell me that you-"

"Get. Out. Now! _Please!"_ Tonks demanded. "We're very busy! No solicitation! Thank you!"

"Don't yell at _me! _This room isn't off limits for anyone!"

"Sirius, please give us a few minutes?" Remus asked. "We're talking. It's important."

"It's what-"

"It's important! _Get out!"_ Tonks continued to shout at him.

"I'm going, _I'm going, _Merlin's beard!" Sirius's voice and footsteps disappeared back down the hall and the door slammed shut.

Tonks took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry." He quickly reassured. They were facing each other now. "It's fine."

"I... I wanted to say that I think you're very pretty." Remus confessed, almost painfully. "Is that weird? Hang on, can I explain myself on that one? That was a bit too far-"

"You... you what? How do you-" Tonks hesitated. "I'm sorry, not what I was going for there when I said that-"

"It sounds absurd. I'm sorry." He said quickly. "It's just an assumption I have. I have no clue what you look like."

"Oh." Tonks almost sounded defeated.

"I just... when I think of you, I think of you as being very pretty in my mind." He began his long ramble at her.

"How so?" He didn't want to answer. "Remus, look at me, put all this age stuff aside, put all this... doubt and guilt and fear aside and tell me what you think about me. Trust me, we might have a lot more in common than you think."

"I dunno, things like... The first time we hugged, I sort of... learned that you have short hair. I would hold onto your arm as we walked, I... sort of got an understanding of you... you know, the confidence you have in your walk, how you hold up your head and pull your shoulders back. The way you walk is different than a lot of people?" Remus told her. He was scared that he couldn't read her facial expression. "Not that I think the physical things matter all that much, but it made the way I picture you in my head. Honestly, I shouldn't be saying any of this, I am far too old for you, and I-"

"Remus, just stop for a second." Tonks told him. "Don't get into all of that. It's okay. I want to hear about how you feel about me _really."_

"I dunno, the way you smell.. or _don't smell._ You just smell good and I suppose that's nice? Your skin's soft..." Remus found himself trailing off. "I dunno, that's... just very attractive to me, I suppose. But none of that stuff matters, like I said-" He felt that he must have just been going on about nothing and that she wasn't even listening to his impromptu monologue on how he found her attractive (he probably wouldn't have listened or had been creeped out if he were her right now). "I mean, I know about you as a person, your likes, your dislikes, your sense of humour... but things like your facial features and eye colour and hair colour and skin colour... those don't matter to me and it doesn't matter if I can't see them. I... simply... I think you must be pretty is all, and this is a really long winded way of me telling you that I like you and I enjoy you, but I'm very afraid of you because I don't think we're meant for each other..."

"You don't have to be afraid of me, Remus."

"I know, but that's even _more_ terrifying." He sighed. "I don't know what I'm even saying anymore. I just... basically what I'm trying to say is that I don't care what you look like, but could I see you... maybe things would be different. Maybe I would feel like you feel more than just sorry for me and I'm not just being self-pitying."

"You're not being self-pitying, I _like you, _Remus." She was a bit more firm. She didn't respond at first. "Bloody hell, has any one told you?" She said in a quiet voice. "Not that it's of any importance, but... I mean-"

"Told me what?" Remus's mind was already chanting a mantra of failure. He said something wrong, _he knew it,_ _he messed up, she hated him, and-_

_"I'm a metamorphmagus."_ The word rolled off her tongue like a compliment. "I'm... actually whatever I want to look like. Sorry, I got caught up on that. And... to hear you say that, I mean, Merlin's beard... most guys I date just want me to have a smaller arse or bigger tits, to hear you say that-"

"Wait, you're a metamorphmagus?" Remus inquired.

_"Yes."_

"You change your appearance at will?"

"Yes?"

"That... makes a lot more sense, actually." He said bluntly. "I was wondering where, in _this_ state of affairs, you were buying so much polyjuice potion for your missions and not getting arrested."

She laughed. "What?"

"You're always talking about your impressive disguises and all, I imagined you up in the middle of the night, sewing clothes under the moonlight while brewing mysterious potions."

"Nope." Tonks replied. "Just morphing my face around."

"Huh. Isn't this ironic." Remus chuckled. "You could make yourself into the prettiest person in the world and I'd never even notice."

"I don't really morph much when I don't need to, you know, so don't think you're missing all that." Tonks replied softly. "And I don't morph myself to look prettier, I don't think. I probably make myself uglier to most guys. My last few dates have looked at me and gone, _'oh, so what made you choose pink... or purple or whatever colour'_ trying to compliment me all uncomfortable and such because they think if I like them, I'll start changing. Like I said, you're the first guy in a while to genuinely not care about my appearances."

"Wait... _Pink?_ Pink what?"

"Oh." The room was so quiet they could hear a pin drop. Tonks wiggled her way back out of their cuddling. "Sirius never mentioned my... _oh."_

_"Oh what?"_ Remus asked.

"So..." Tonks let out a small sigh. "So... my hair is sort of, like a ah... _bright_ pink? I don't like keeping it neutral if I can help it. Pink, blue, green, purple, black, orange... You know, I get a lot of funny looks in public, you just aren't there to notice them."

"Oh..." Remus squeezed her hand. "That's..." He couldn't help but joyfully laugh. "That... sounds _exactly like _the sort of thing you would do, wouldn't it?"

"Wait, you aren't angry?" Tonks asked.

"No, of course not!" Remus replied. "It's not even about how you look necessarily... that's just... that's such a _beautiful_ thing to do. I simply never imagined that's what you looked like, though. _Pink hair_." He laughed. Then came the sinking sadness in his stomach. "I sound a bit too old for that, huh? I... Tonks, I really don't know if this is going to work or if-"

She giggled. "You're not to old for me. Actually, I think we look rather cute together, if I so say so myself. If, you know, that's what you want."

Remus frowned. "I... I don't quite know."

"Well see, you can't challenge my authority on us, because _I _have the upper hand." Tonks pointed out. "We look cute and... if you... ever wanted to you know... be _cute _with me, you do know I'm single."

"Could I..." Remus reached over and rested his hands on either side of her jaw. "Pink hair... now isn't that something? If you don't mind me asking, what kind of pink do you usually wear it as?"

"It's like... hmm... almost like baby girl pink. Not quite pastel. Sort of like bubblegum or candy floss." She said in an excited tone. "I also like really deep, dark purples. Blue undertones, not red. And plain black. And red. Not like a Weasley-orange red, but a bright... what are some red things? Telephone booths. Strawberries. That kind of red."

Remus was absolutely beaming. "That's... wonderful." He ran his fingers along her hair.


	13. Chapter XIII

**AN: I do actually have an update or two for the sequel thing, I'm just not ready to go back and look at them right this second because I wrote them during long plane rides and I know they suck.**

Remus felt like a complete and utter moron.

But the oddest part of the entire thing was that nothing happened.

Right off the bat, nothing changed. Remus would pass her in the hallway and say a pleasant hello and she would exchange with a usually even more pleasant hello, and that was it. She continued to help him clean out dressers and closets and wipe the dust off old leather bound books. And they would talk, of course, sometimes in a meaningful way and sometimes about nothing at all. At least three times a week they would go out for a walk, only sometimes taking Sirius with them (who often made a point to use his large and forceful dog body to keep them separated).

But in her own way, she was quite affectionate towards him. Tonks always held his hand during the meetings and sometimes while they were walking. Other times, she would sit and lean on him while they were reading together. She had a fondness for playing with his hair, apparently, which he couldn't begin to understand. Only once, amidst a private conversation, she would simply lean over and a place a kiss on the side of his head.

It was _strange. _He couldn't figure out what this meant. He didn't know what they _were._

And what was worse, was there was no one around that he felt he could consult. Sirius was useless at love advice of any sort. He wasn't useless in the way that he had fewer romantic encounters, he had actually had quite the many before Azkaban, but most of them ended in very specific, isolated incidents with the fingers being pointed towards him. And really, who there wasn't going to judge him for the age difference, or even the class difference, between them? There was an almost constant gnawing feeling whenever he was around her. Remus could barely even take a moment where he didn't feel guilty about touching her or saying nice things to her. He found that she complimented him a lot, but he never knew how to properly thank her or compliment her back. He still didn't properly know how to explain to her that he liked her back. It was beginning to keep him up at night and it was showing on his face. He thought that it was supposed to be a good thing, but apparently everyone had something to say about the sleeplessness on his face. It didn't help that Tonks told him he looked fine.

"Hey, Sirius...?" Remus knocked on the bedroom door. He had a large book in his arms. "Quick question for you about this-"

The door opened him and startled him. "Yeah, what's wrong?"

"Oh, I just needed you to tell me what this is so I can put it where it needs to go. Can you read the name of it?" Remus handed it to him.

Sirius tilted his head. "Hmm, it's in Latin. Best guess, it's a potions book by the inscription. Sorry, my Latin's a bit rusty."

"That's fine. Potions book it is then."

"Hey Remus?"

"Yes?"

"So... I hate to ask, but I really don't hate to ask because I'm genuinely curious... you and Tonks, you know, you've been spending a lot of time together..." Sirius was trailing off a bit. "Been rather touchy with each other lately, yeah?"

"Yes, and...?"

"I was just thinking, you know... have you know... _you know..._"

"Have we... what?" Remus was afraid to ask.

"You're always holding hands and things... have you two really... _hit it off?"_

"What... exactly are you referring to?"

Sirius's voice grew more urgent. "Well, have you slept together yet?"

"No!" He exclaimed quickly. "No, we haven't- _Merlin's beard,_ Sirius, we're not- we haven't even-"

"Oh! Ohhhh..." Sirius nodded his head. "So what, is this a 'meet her parents' sort of thing? You plan keeping clean for Ted and Dromeda?"

"I don't know _what_ we plan on doing! But we're not... doing whatever it is that you think that we're doing!" Remus said firmly.

"Are you on a first name basis with her yet?"

"What-"

"Have you even _kissed_ her yet?"

"Maybe I have, maybe I haven't, why's that any of your business?"

"First off, obviously you _haven't_, but it's not like I have any of my own business to be bothered with, so I assumed you at least knew _something_ interesting."

"I really, and I mean this as sincerely as possible, _really_ hope that you get cleared of all charges so that you can find something else to do with yourself than bother yourself with whether or not we're-" Remus told him. "Besides, I thought you found the entire thing completely repulsive."

"I mean, personally? Yeah, it's a bit icky to say the least to imagine the two of you snogging each other's brains out, but frankly- why are you making that face?"

"I'm not making any face."

"Yeah you are."

"Am not!"

"Mate, your whole bloody face is beet red right now."

Remus touched his face insecurely. "Why don't you just leave us alone, then. I thought the last thing you would want anything to do with is who your cousin is or isn't snogging."

"Well, I dunno, maybe it had something to do with said _cousin_ giving me a pleasant earful that, to summarize, had something to you and her feelings and all that rubbish..."

"Sirius-"

"All I'm saying is... I dunno what I'm saying, but I did some thinking and maybe this is for the better."

"Sirius." Remus said firmly. His friend didn't exactly sound genuine. "I'm sure you find this _hysterical_ but this is serious and Tonks and I need to work out whatever this is that may or may not be going on between us."

"No, no, I really want to help you." Sirius told him. "I'm being completely serious. I want what's best for you. I mean, come on, we used to pick on Lily all the time when we were younger and she had really bad pimples all over her face, if you don't remember. And look, now I'm the godfather of her son."

"I really don't need romantic advice from _you_ of all people! Do you not remember what happened to that one girl you dated when we were sixteen and you made her feel so embarrassed after you two split that she didn't come to class for a week?"

"Her name was Penelope, and in my defense, it was _her_ idea to use bubotuber pus to-"

"Whatever you're about to say, don't do it." Remus cut him off. "I'm warning you, I know what happened and you know what happened, and I don't want to relive the shame of it, and it wasn't even me. Neither of us are going to want to hear it, so just shut your trap."

"All I'm saying is, maybe it's not my fault she had bright green boils on her p-"

"Stop it!"

"Come to think of it, we probably would still be friends if she didn't think I murdered sixteen people and am on the run... actually, she was such a sweet girl, I'm sure she would be understanding. Maybe she would even join the Order..."

"What was her last name?" Remus asked.

"Baunhauf."

"Penny Baunhauf, right? I thought she was killed back in the first war."

Sirius got rather quiet. _"Was she? _I had completely forgotten." He was a bit more than bummed at the news of this. "Oh... well... never mind that then."

"Just... maybe leave Tonks and I alone? We'll kiss when we feel like kissing or... don't, if we don't feel like it."

"Were you _wanting_ to kiss her?" Remus didn't say anything. He crossed his arms. "_You_ have to be the one to step up to her! She's going to know if you are or aren't ready to move forward and I can tell you she's getting kind of antsy."

"Sirius, we're moving at the pace we want to move at. I'm not even sure if I'm ready to make this work." He confessed. "Okay? I'm bloody terrified because I can't help but feel like I'm some sort of creepy old man preying on someone half my age!"

"Half our age would still _technically_ be legal, but again, I can see how that's still a bit nauseating-"

"It's _weird!"_

"Just... you know what?" Sirius placed a firm hand on Remus's back. "Just keep holding hands with her and let the rest figure itself out."

"That sounds derogatory." Remus told him. "Like you're just going to make a joke out of this whole thing."

"Honest?" Sirius got quiet. "I'm more interested in what's best for you and I think you've really been a lot happier since you met her."

"Thanks." Remus said dryly. "You think this whole thing is still funny though, right? You're not actually being serious."

"I'm _always_ Sirius, thank you very much. Remus, look, when you first went," Remus physically recoiled when Sirius said the word that he hated more than anything. "you never came out of your room, you never wanted to do anything but sleep, you wouldn't consider even coming out to the meetings. She's giving you something to look forward to. She's given you a lot of hope and that's something you should take advantage of and not look so lightly at."

"But it's... look, please just stay out of it, okay? I'm sure you feel like you're doing a tremendous job of helping me, but I need you to do less now than ever." He told him. "Please just remain neutral in this. For both of us. We need to work this out and we don't need you to help us right now."

"I'll back off it, alright?" Sirius nodded. "Whatever you need me to do."

"Thank you." Remus sighed.

"But just one more thing-"

"Sirius-"

"If you two are going to be doing any _messing around, _could I at least ask you for the decency of a silencing charm?"

"Why, because you so _kindly_ had all the _decency_ all those other times when _you_ were the one with the date?"

"Okay, maybe it was a bit more of a _suggestion." _Sirius's remarked. "Just... I dunno... take care of her, okay? I think that's really all I wanted to ask the whole time. Take care of her and just... don't crush her heart into a million pieces if you can help it?"

The conversation had grown profoundly solemn for a moment. Neither of them spoke and Remus could almost tell that Sirius wasn't looking at him. It occurred to him that they were barely getting into making eye contact again. Remus has never exactly had a problem with finding people's faces when they spoke and he knew he was bad at staring towards people, but Sirius was bad about refusing to even look in his direction since the accident. He was afraid of him, and Remus was afraid of that. What if, one day, Tonks was afraid of him? What if she saw him for who he really was and she didn't like it very much? Or rather, what if in her young immaturity, she grew _bored_ of him?

"I don't want to do that. I really don't want to hurt her and I want you to know that." Remus said.

"Do you... I'm assuming you must, but do you really admire her?" Sirius asked.

Remus had to muster up his courage. "Sirius, she's the first person in a long time that I've genuinely felt comfortable with. She's the only person that's made me feel this way, and I don't really even really know what _this_ is yet, and I'm not used to it, and I'm quite frightened to be honest."

Sirius laughed. "Your biggest fear is to lose the people that you're so close to, to be abandoned by them. Your biggest fear is to lose her too, yeah? To lose her contact?"

"I... suppose." Remus said uncomfortably. "I don't want to talk about that. That was so... it was embarrassing and... _humiliating, _and..."

"I didn't know that was going to happen, but if I did, I would've done something." Sirius said lightly. "Though, come on now, if you went and played it up for Tonks..." He made his voice become lilted. "...'oh _darling, _you just don't understand how much I _miss _you, how much I'm afraid to _lose you_, oh, you're my _whole world-'"_

Remus took a swift swing at his arm with the book. Sirius withdrew, cackling with laughter. "It's not funny!"

"Oh Remus, if you told her that, she'd drape herself over your arm for you and you'd never have to do a thing more!" Sirius poked. "You say that and you could just sweep her right off her feet and disappear off into the sunset."

"It's not funny."

"It's a _little_ funny."

Remus was clenching his teeth. "It's really not."


	14. Chapter XIV

So far, Remus was the least impressed with the mugglepublic transportation.

Without a doubt, muggle technology was fairly impressive. Tonks's father was a muggleborn, a Hufflepuff that was just about five or six years older than Remus who was also working a few doors down from Arthur Weasley in Muggle Artefacts. Remus hadn't had the pleasure of meeting his firsthand in over a decade, but Tonks was very excited to share stories she overheard concerning her father and Arthur, and how Ted may or may not have had anything to do with helping to illegally tamper the engine of a 1959 Ford Anglia in order to make it fly. Apparently muggles were jumping on a new trend of playing around with tiny scraps of metal until they hit a perfect enough combination that it allowed them the ability to communicate long distance, whenever they wanted, wherever they wanted, with whomever they wanted. Remus had to unfortunately have Tonks explain this to him, but he was becoming increasingly concerned about a man they passed by on the street whom he thought may have been having a delusional episode and was talking to himself. Muggles were also very fond of their rising new technology: computers. Remus thought Arthur nearly passed out with excitement when Tonks said that her father was spending his weekends tinkering with it and that he was free to come over whenever he liked.

But public transportation? He was much less fond of it.

Part of it was how crowded and chaotic it constantly was around him. Part of it had something to do with the lack of control he had over the entire situation. Tonks had the map, Tonks knew where they were and where they were going, and he just had to hold her arm and follow her wherever she went. At one point, she completely abandoned him to go find somewhere to buy bottled water, and he was actually concerned for that short eternity, that something absolutely awful might happen to him. Once they (figured out how to, and) scanned their tickets and all, Tonks carefully walked him down the platform and showed him the rubber bumps along the side of the curb. Remus had seen these, of course, on the sidewalk on the way over to the train station. He learned about how the crosswalks made noise to alert you of when to walk even if you couldn't see the sign, and he also learned that cyclists are not keen on stopping as he was nearly hit by one on the way to King's Cross.

"Hey, erm, Tonks...?" Remus asked nervously. He was standing as stiff as a girder, his arms firmly crossing his chest.

"Yeah? You alright?" She asked. "You look awfully pale all of a sudden."

"How much longer before the train gets here? Do you think?"

"Two minutes, maybe. Promise. Why? What's wrong?"

Remus lowered his voice so other people couldn't hear. "I don't know why, but suddenly I'm a bit worried about how close I am to the edge, and I know it's a very crowded area, so I was wondering if you could help me take a few steps back without walking into anyone."

It only took a couple of months since the accident and Remus was convinced he could apply to be the most cowardly Gryffindor ever and _win._ Every waking moment, a new kind of fear trickled into his head. They weren't even necessarily crippling, time-consuming, heart-racing fears. He wasn't constantly shaking or sweating. Yet anytime he was doing anything, there was some fleeting thought, some nagging notion that bothered him. For example, he had a pair of scissors beside his bed so that should he need scissors for any reason given his lack fa wand, he at least knew where they were without anyone moving them. But what if he woke up, exhausted and desirous, and accidentally grabbed the scissors and only further impailed his face? What if he slipped and fell off the platform onto the tracks and was hit by the train?

Tonks carefully lead him backwards. "They're loud." She agreed. "I saw you jump when the last one went by. I understand. Here, watch out, let me help you."

"You do know which train to take right? We catch the next one?" Remus asked.

"Yes, I promise." Tonks soothed. "I've got the map, I've checked all the signs. We'll need to change at Vauxhall—rememberer that—the station's right around the block and we'll get off at Kew Bridge."

"King's Cross, Vauxhall, Kew Bridge. Got it." He reaffirmed. His mind was alread swimming with questions. What if they got off at the wrong stop? What if they missed the train? What if they were on the wrong one?

Remus probably wouldn't have tripped on the gap between the train at the ground if he hadn't been so busy thinking about it.

"How long has it been since you checked the map to see where we're going?" He leaned over and asked Tonks once's they sat down. She had his hand intertwined with hers in her lap.

"We don't need a map, I know where we're going."

"And... where is that, exactly?"

"It's the Kew Gardens. Supposedly the largest botanical garden." She was folding a piece of paper with her other hand.

"I've heard of it." Remus nodded uncomfortably.

"So that friend of ours shared a bit of information with me."

"Uh oh."

"No, it was a good bit of information." Tonks insisted. "You used to have a camera, right?"

"Still do, it's just... you know, a bit useless to me."

"Well, you know, I brought my own with me." Tonks told him. For probably the first time ever, she was carrying a bag with her and patted it with her hand. "My dad gave me his camera to fool around with and take pictures. It's a ah, muggle camera though, so I may have to waste a roll of film just trying to figure out how it works. He said he'd help me develop the photos and I could use it all I want, but that I'm not allowed to take any _dirty_ pictures with it or he won't let me use it again."

"Well, there goes this afternoon's plans." Remus said dryly. Tonks playfully jabbed him. "I'm kidding!"

Remus was becoming a dupe to collecting small souvenirs on their outings. Amongst his pressed clover and flower collection were three buttons, a muggle five pence, an acorn, and a small metal dog tag for an unknown dog named "Scooter". It was kind of funny since his collection was all made up of things he could find on his own. As lame as he thought it was, it created a better sense of object permanence. He _did _actually go outside and when he did, he knew that the outside world was alive and thriving, and as much as he missed it, it wasn't going to stop for him.

He noticed that his memory was becoming foggy. He was forgetting people's faces more and more. He was struggling to remember things like what his parents looked like or what his childhood home looked like or what Hogwarts looked like. He couldn't quite remember James and Lily in fine detail, given that his memory strained enough without looking at their photographs. People that he had once been so close to were becoming blurry in his mind.

"So I'm also thinking," Tonks mentioned. "Our mutual friend was interested in the photos as well and I was thinking that we make a scrapbook or something for him. Or just for us."

"I wouldn't mind." Remus replied.

"Funny story," She chuckled. "So when I was a kid, right? My _favourite _book ever was Babbity Rabbity, probably heard of it, yeah? So I used to make my dad read it to me all the time. It actually got to the point where one night I told his I was going to read it to him... I _did,_ but you see, the problem is, I was actually a really stupid kid and I didn't have enough wits to actually learn to read, but I had all the pages memorized so I knew when to turn the page properly."

Remus laughed to himself. Did she have pink hair as a kid? "Good on you, Tonks."

"But my point here is that, you know, maybe you'll get to pick it up one day and you'll already remember all the places we went."

"That's not such a bad idea." He remarked.

xxxxx

The gardens themselves were underwhelming for obvious reasons, no matter how he tried to convince himself otherwise.

It was a beautiful summer day, though. A bit too hot for Remus's liking, but he enjoyed getting to sit in the sun. He swore most of their walking was him trying not to walk into various tree branches, step on flowers, or fall into small low-to-the-ground fountains ("You might actually be worse than me!" Tonks exclaimed.) He even let Tonks put sunscreen on his face.

He did get some rather amusing descriptions of the flowers from his cohort.

"That one looks like an upside down pineapple if pineapples were white."

"Oh wow, alright, so this one is like a um... magneta, right, but it looks like an upright beehive? If that makes any sense?"

"That one's some kind of carnation, I have to think. Kind of like a little ball. Bright red in the middle, but the out side is peachy coloured."

"I know that one, it's a hibiscus (for someone who bragged about her personal collection of magical plants, she didn't quite pronounce hibiscus right). It's rather tropical and orange. Quite fancy."

"Hey, that one's the same colour as my hair!" That was all she said and Remus didn't quite knew what that meant.

"Aww, look at the cute Venus Flytraps!" Then in a lower voice, "I have some of those at home and one of them is almost half the size of a dinner plate."

"That purple iris looks like it has freckles."

"No offense, but that bush just looks like basil leaves. Actually, is that patchouli- no, I think it's just a really ugly bush."

"That one looks like an upside down banana peel."

"I feel like since we're in public, and there's a lady over there with a baby, I shouldn't say what that one looks like."

"What is that? What is the point of that? I feel like having a potted fern here is like having lapdogs at the zoo. What's it doing here? Go home, fern!"

"I don't even know how to describe that one better than David Bowie's head."

"That's not even a flower, it's just a purple fuzz ball."

"Okay, so imagine that a succulent gets a little handsy with aloe vera branches, right? Theyre like... prickly leaves! That's insane! I didn't know that was just a normal kind of plant!" He couldn't quite tell if she was genuinely excited about the plant or if she was playing it up as a witch, who had more likely than not seen a prickly leaf before.

"That one's like a uh, daffodil, yeah. But it's much smaller. Got little brown freckles in the middle. It's really tiny, it's very cute!"

"Little white petunias, aren't those lovely?"

"Oooh, that one's from Africa and it looks like a pine cone. Wait, that might actually be a pine cone-"

Tonks could name off all of the roses and their colours, from the hottest pinks to the peachy oranges, from the deepest red roses to the purest white ones. She rubbed lavender of her fingers

"Tonks, really, can you stop chasing the pidgeons...?" Remus sighed. She let go of his arm to go trampling down the sidewalk.

"Sorry!" Tonks came cackling back to him. She surprised him by throwing her arms around his neck, pulling him down into a hug. "I had to!"

"Tonks-" Remus sighed.

"Yeah?" She asked. She loosened her grip and him and he was no longer straining, but Tonks didn't let him go. "What's up?"

Remus tilted his head. "I dunno. I'm just trying to think out loud and I don't know what to say."

"That's alright." Tonks said softly.

"What are we doing here?" Remus asked quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... what are _we_ doing here? Why did you take me here? You had a Saturday off and you chose to spend it with me. Actually, you've had the last few Saturdays off. Why are you spending them with me?"

"Come on now, are you really having that bad of a time?" Tonks wondered.

"No! Absolutely not, I just meant... what-what does this mean?"

"What does what mean?" She was patient with his questions.

"Us. What do _we_ mean?"

"What do you _want_ us to mean?"

"I mean, it's not like we've... done _anything_, or anything-"

"No, of course not."

"I just... you know, I found out that you had... feelings, and I'm under the assumption that you still do..."

"And _I'm_ under the assumption that you did as well."

"Well, really, we know that none of the others are going to stick up for this, so why do we keep hanging around each other because we can? We know this isn't going to work out well for either of us in the end." Remus said.

"Now how do you know that? Are you a Seer all of a sudden?"

"No-"

"Then don't worry about it." Tonks announced. She pulled away from him and was digging through her bag. "Really, we'll just... watch and wait and see where this goes, alright?"

"Tonks, all I mean is, are we actually... is this like... like a _date?"_

"Would you _like_ for it to be a date?" She wondered.

"I don't know, frankly." Remus replied. "I know what the others would say about it and that's why I'm so afraid. I mean, we look quite ridiculous."

"You don't know that." Tonks shot back. "There's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing wrong with _us. _I just need you to tell me if you want there to be an us, or if you're just so afraid of the others insulting you that you're not going to let yourself have an _us."_

"I..." There was a really long gap of silence.

"Remus?" He didn't reply. "If you don't want anything to do with me, you have to say so. I'm not a mind reader."

"I... Tonks I quite enjoyed today, I just... I don't know what to say, I don't know how to move forward from here." He confessed. "I've not done this before. It's been a really long time since I've had anything to do with... anyone."

"That's alright." Tonks said. "I just need to know what you... want."

"Tonks, I don't know what I want."

There was another long stretch of silence.

"Remus?" Tonks said softly.

"Yes?" Remus replied.

"I have lips, too, you know." Her voice kindly assured him.

His face flushed. "Oh, I... Sorry, I was worried, maybe you wouldn't-"

Before he could finish, he felt a gentle, wet sensation on his mouth. He had to hand it to her, she must have been a good kisser, because he couldn't quite get enough of her. Something tasted vaguely of cherries. His hands rested on the back of her neck and she pressed herself forward into his chest. He hadn't felt anything like this, especially not as exciting in years. Remus tried to savour every bit of her, yet he still felt like he was missing a big part of her. "I wouldn't want to what?" She challenged.

Remus inhaled sharply. "That you wouldn't want to actually kiss me." He felt embarrassed admitting it aloud. Now his own lips tasted like cherries. "I like your chapstick."

She tenderly kissed him again. The wave of euphoria washed over him again. "Thanks. I was hoping you wouldn't notice me slathering it on about a minute ago."

"Oh, I noticed." Remus chuckled. "Tonks, I think you're really great."

"Well I think _you're _really great." She replied. "You're burning up like mad. Are you sure you're only blushing?"

Remus drew back anand touched his cheeks. Sure enough, heat was radiating off of his face. "I'm sorry. We shouldn't be doing this in public-"

"Don't be sorry!" She laughed.

"I suppose it's not everyday that I get to kiss pretty women like you." Remus smiled.

Tonks leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. "Then I'll kiss you as long as you want me to."

Remus paused, flustered. "Maybe not here."

Tonks chuckled and kissed him quickly on the cheek and took his hands. He let his fingers wander up through her hair. _Pink hair._ He could barely imagine it. Remus never wanted to move from that spot. She was all he could think about, his heart swelling with adoration for her. For those few minutes when they were alone, she asked for his entire world, and he didn't mind it so much.


	15. Chapter XV

**AN: this is a bad chapter. Sorry. I just wrote it while stuck in the airport with a four hour delay and nothing to do. Feel free to skip it.**

Muffled giggles echoed down the dim hallway.

"Okay, you know, whatever this weird _kinky_ thing you two have got going on, could you at least have the curtesy to _shut the goddamned door?" _Sirius stuck his head inside of the bathroom.

Tonks was standing over Remus, who was sitting down on the edge of the bathtub, one leg in the tub the other out, with his back up against the wall. His head was titled back slightly against the tile. She was more than halfway finished with him and all that was left on his face was the blotted bits of shaving cream.

She laughed louder than was necessary. Remus was startled. She had a plastic disposable razor wielded in one hand. "Okay, so funny story, actually-"

"No thank you, I don't want to know, _actually!" _Sirius mocked. His voice was backing away.

"Come on, he's still trying to learn to shave his face!" Tonks defended. "He looks like a confused thirteen year old tried to shave his face!"

"Yeah, mhm, I really don't need to know what gets you off, cousin-"

"Oh shut up!" She shouted.

"Look, Tonks, you see this?" There was this... rapid squeaking and thumping noise and Sirius was doing something to the door. "It's called a _door_. Shut it for once, goddamn it!"

"It _was_ shut!"

"Not well enough!"

_"You_ had to open it!"

"It was already open!"

"You're awful!" Tonks snapped at him. Remus looked towards her with amusement. "Okay, Remus, I'm almost done if you'll hold you head still for me?"

"That's an awful lot of trust you're putting in her, Moony." Sirius said. "Sharp objects right up against your throat like that."

"Mmm." Remus didn't say anything as the carefully dragged the razor over the side of his face. "You know, I think I'm okay. I seem to be in pretty good hands."

"Come on Sirus, it's not _that_ difficult. It's like shaving your legs, except it's-"

"Okay!" Sirius interjected. "You know, I really don't need to hear about you shaving your _legs_, or your anything _else_ for that matter. That's gross."

"Okay..." Tonks said in a more focused voice.

"You did... you know, get a different razor for him, right? Not rubbing your leg and whatever else hair on his-"

"Yes, I changed the goddamn razor blade! So please stop interrupting me, because I'm trying to not slice his face open!"

"Ouch!" Remus chimed in, clutching the side of his neck.

Tonks gasped loudly. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, Remus, I'm sorry-"

Remus chuckled. "I'm kidding."

A hard punch came in at his shoulder. He jumped, but it didn't hurt as bad as he initially thought. "Excuse _me!"_ He laughed, pretending to be more offended that he actually was. "I believe that's domestic _violence_, _young lady!"_

"Oh shut up." She mumbled. Remus smiled to himself.

"You two are idiots." Sirius jumped back in.

"Mhm." Tonks said lightly. "Alright, I think I'm done here. Sirius, do you have any aftershave that I can use?"

"No?" Sirius said back.

"Ookayy..." She sighed, putting a hand towel into Remus's hands. "I guess I'll have to find something somewhere _else_."

"Tonks, you're really great and all, but please don't just grab the first thing you see and put it on my face." Remus asked. He was trying to fish his leg out of the bathtub.

She had taken a few steps away towards the sink and let out a loud, dramatic sigh. "You _always_ do this. You _never_ let me try and put toxic chemicals on your face. But I _suppose_ I won't this time..."

Remus scoffed sarcastically right back at her. "What is it _with you,_ always want trying to _poison me_ and what not?"

"It builds _character,_ Remus." She replied.

"Look at this, Sirius, first she hits me, now she's moving on to what, trying to _poison_ me? Come on now, I thought we were friends!"

"On Merlin's grave, friends? That's rich. I thought at least you'd call me your _sweetheart _or something." She swooned dramatically. "Your _darling, _your _heartthrob_. _Bleh."_ Tonks shook her head disdainfully. "I might actually throw up in my mouth if you ever call me stuff like that in any way that's not kidding."

"Wait, are you two serious?"

Tonks took the opportunity. "No, you're Sirius."

"HA." Sirius's voice made Remus jump. "HA. HA. You're really _fucking_ _HILARIOUS_, aren't you? Did you come up with that all on your own now?"

"You reap what you sow." Remus said plainly.

Sirius began to ridicule. "Well, are you two together or _not?_ Or are two just going to sit around with this annoying back and forth banter like we have no idea that you two are daydreaming about getting to practically eat each other's faces off first opportunity you get?"

"Are you, like, I dunno, dealing with a lot of repressed anger right now?" She asked sternly. "Do we need to put you on antidepressants or something?"

"You know, maybe being in _prison_ for over a _decade_ does that to you. _Perhaps." _He spat back at her.

"Well why don't you... I dunno, go take that out on someone else, huh?" She said in a softer voice. "Really, just take a breath about it, you might actually go mad like the papers say."

"Hey, look, let's not get into it or anything, alright?" Remus sighed. "Can we simply... stop talking about this? Forget it for right now? It doesn't matter to begin with."

"You never answered my question, actually." Sirius appeared to be frowninngnso much, Remus could hear it his voice.

"Which one, the one about the face eating, or...?"

"Yes, Tonks, are you or are you not together with my best friend?"

"Well I... wouldn't say that we... aren't."Tonks got really quiet, and she seemed to be waiting for a response from Remus. "I... I think we are, actually. I can't speak for you though-"

"No, no, don't scratch that." Remus quickly shook his head. "I... I would personally have to agree with the idea that maybe perhaps we are together, but only if you think that we should be...?"

"I think so, yeah." She said adamantly. "Yeah. We're together."

The words were a bit more surreal than he expected.

"Oh." Sirius said. He cleared his throat. "Right."

"Yeah." Tonks remarked awkwardly.

"So... can we go back to you learning to shut doors so that you don't broadcast all of whatever _this_ is to everyone else that's just trying to get by around here?"

"Sirius-"

"Look, and all I'm saying is, if you're going to be _doing anything_, I expect both of you to be _responsible_ adults who know how to use proper _protection_ when doing _certain things..."_

"Sirius!"

"Look, I absolutely _do not_ have the time nor the patience to be raising _any_ of either of your babies."

"Sirius, _really-"_

"And look, honestly? I'd better not be getting joint Christmas gifts now that you two are dating. I expect a proper Christmas gift from the _both_ of you. I'm not skimping on either of your presents, so I don't want to hear excuses."

Tonks let out a long, agonizing sigh. "And I'm presuming you want me home by eleven?"

"Mmm... _Ten-thirty,_ because _you_ have a day job you have to be at in the morning." Sirius taunted.

"What's next, are you going to start making us take our shoes off when we come home or else you're going to put plastic bags on all the furniture?" Tonks asked. "Going to assign us chores to do in case we misbehave? You know, I really think we both know how to conduct ourselves appropriately, wouldn't you say?"

"I've seen you trample after pidgeons at the train station while you were at work. I think you could afford to act a bit more appropriately."

"They're stupid and maybe they deserve it!" Tonks defended. "We get it, you care about us and you have literally nothing better to be doing right now, but can you find something better to do than to monitor if we're keeping an arms length while we're dancing like we're fourteen or something?"

"Now who made you do _that?"_ Remus asked.

"Oh yeah, Sprout had a big policy on abstinence and what not when I was there." Tonks was a bit too enthusiastic about this story. "The winter dances were a complete disaster and they wouldn't let us dance right up against each other. That was back when they actually enforced the dress code on skirt length. Or at least they used to. There was a _lot_ of rowdy stuff going on in the Hufflepuff commons that they were trying to cut back on, but it only got worse, so she probably stopped. I dunno, that's just what they made us do when I was younger."

"Yeah, I don't exactly remember anything about that in orientation, so I would, you know, assume that's not a problem anymore." Remus said dryly.

"You don't remember the Hufflepuff parties we went to-oh wait, we didn't invite you, did we?"

"I'm not upset or anything, but you're just _now_ telling me about parties that you didn't invite me to? What, did you take Peter with you?"

"I mean, Peter's a snitch and all, but you were prefect and you were, no offense, a bit of a wet rag at times. Also, I feel like when we were younger we all sort of imagined you as some... I dunno, sexless, anti-social being that only woke up with the sole purpose of reading books? You never dated anyone when we were there, did you? I can't even remember."

"I did too!"

"Was it a girl?"

"Yes, she was a girl! But I don't see why that matters, frankly-"

"Right well, I'm glad we cleared this us." Tonks confirmed.

"Look, cousin, all I'm saying is keep an eye open on him, he probably doesn't know even how to kiss-"

"I am _right here, _and my _ears_ work perfectly fine, thank you!" Remus huffed.

"Just messing with you, Moony." Sirius's chuckled. "Just remember to try and close your eyes, alright? Women kind of prefer that."

"I'm sorry, when did we ask for your input on any of this? I thought we were done talking about this. I thought you were going to shut up and leave now." Remus replied.

"It's a friendly reminder, but see, now you aren't going to forget it-"

"Does this make you feel better somehow, just coming and bothering us, or...?" Remus asked. "Because I don't want you to keep this happening in the future."

"Don't worry! You don't have to take me on with you anywhere! I can stay here on the honeymoon-"

"OH MY GOD, do you not know _boundaries!" _Tonks shouted. "Did Your Mum never teach you when to stop? Ha ha, joke's over, now LEAVE!"

"But back to what I originally came here for anyways, please learn how doors work, because there are some things that the rest of us are _not_ interested in."

"I am...just so close to... to just walking over there and hitting you across the face. With my actual fist. Not in a funny way either."

"No you wouldn't." Sirius's physically braced himself behind the door.

"Alright, kids, that's enough." Remus rolled his eyes. "Come on now, Sirius, stop being so immature."

Sirius said. "Now if excuse me, I'm going to leave you two be-"

"Fucking, _finally!" _Tonks exclaimed. "Goodbye! No one asked you for your opinion!"

"Have fun, children." Sirius shouted back down the hall.

"I'm sorry." Remus said, exasperated.

Tonks just laughed. "He seems fun at weddings."

"He gets drunk and starts crying."

"See? Like I said."


	16. Chapter XVI

There was the nightmare again. Except this time, there were no bandages on his face to block in his eyes.

He didn't exactly _scream_ per-say, but he did let out a loud shriek before he start crying. Not loud and sobbing, but there were tears coming out of his burning eyes as he was hunched over in bed. His face was... wet, and that was far from a good sign. It was wet and he didn't know what with.

_Why? Why did any of this have to happen?_ Remus flung the heavy bedsheets off of his body and floundered about with one hand on his face until he reached the door. His stomach lurched. What the hell was he supposed to do, start yelling until someone paid attention to him and woke up? Go knocking on random bedrooms until he found Molly Weasley or someone else with enough knowledge on medical care and then apologize his way back down the hall to everyone else he had bothered? The pain wasn't even that bad, but his heart was racing and likely, it was the adrenaline rush from his nightmare that was holding back his pain.

Remus was much louder than he expected when he came out of his room. He could hear the rustling of Buckbeak and the restless clomping of his hooves on the wooden floor. There were nervous creaks coming from deep within the floorboards, awoken by less than a footstep. He would've walked slower, but he felt this may have been an appropriate moment to trample down the steps into the kitchen. He slipped and nearly fell all the way down on the next to last step.

"Remus? Remus, what's going on?" A man's voice asked. It suddenly occurred to him that the kitchen was occupied. The light was on and he could hear a faint crackling from the kitchen's fireplace.

He was still crying, so Remus put his head down and covered his face, maneuvering around the chairs. "I'm alright, I just think I need the medical supplies. I um- I think I cut my eye-"

"You cut it? With what?" He asked. Arthur violently got out of his chair and climbed around the other seats to the other side of the kitchen for the medical supplies.

"My fingernails... I woke up and... and..."

"Here, son, let me get a look at you." Arthur sighed. Remus carefully let his hands down so that he could get a proper look at his eyes. "Which eye? Or both?"

"My left one." Remus took a long, shaky breath. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry to panic like this, I just felt-"

"Your eye looks irritated and I'm sure it must have hurt like hell when you scratched it, but you aren't bleeding anywhere as far as I can see." Arthur told him."I would wash up though if I was you. You wouldn't want to get an infection anyways. Maybe just rinse you face off and scrub you hands. Can you make it by yourself to the sink?"

"I can do it myself." Remus assured him, embarrassed as he hobbled over to the sink to splash water on his face. It was cold and he knew it would wake him up, but it was soothing the irritation and washing away the flood of tears on his face. "Who's here?" He asked over the running water.

"Oh, just me." Arthur said. "I got in rather late. Can't sleep. Just sitting and having a think about things."

"What time is it?"

"Close to three. Come, why don't you sit down? Calm your nerves a bit so you aren't restless."

Remus returned to the kitchen table with slow, heavy bare feet on the cold checkered tile. There was a fear that was less nagging, but more jumping up and down in the back of his mind that he might get his toe snagged in a splinter or old piece of drywall. "If I'm allowed to ask, what were you doing out late? I'm assuming you were at the Ministry...?"

"Ah yes, well you see, the Ministry never sleeps." Arthur sounded like he was smiling. "It's not so unusual to have someone like me wandering around the department outside of office hours. We all have our pet projects we work on, so it's not like we're loitering around. At least I look as if I have reason to be there... the poor aurors risk getting shipped out to patrol somewhere if they stay to spy on the Ministry overnight, and what good is that?"

"Right." Remus nodded. "How are things going in your department?"

"The department itself is fine, but I think we all know where it's headed." Arthur told him. He seemed unusually tense. "I think... we're eventually going to lose funding. And of course, not enough people are going to want to keep the department around with how many people are viewing muggleborns in particular. Or how many important people, at least."

"How long do you think you have until you're out of a job?"

"Oh, I'm not too concerned at the moment. It will have to take at least a few months to get request to defund us and even then, they'll have to campaign for it."

"Have you spoken with your son? The one at the Ministry?"

"Percy? Unfortunately I have, but he's not had a nice thing to say. I hope you'll refrain from telling Molly that. She's quite worried about the boy, and reasonably of course, just as I am, but he needs space and time, and that's that." Arthur said. He took an unusually long pause. "Percy knows what's best for him, and whether or not I agree should not matter. He needs to grow up and learn things on his own. He's entitled to his opinions, but I simply cannot shake the feeling that he was a mole for the Ministry."

"It's too much of a risk." Remus said. "We thought Peter was just... timid. We thought he was afraid of combat. We never doubted his loyalty because we thought he must be too afraid of switching sides." He took a deep breath. "Not that I think Percy would-"

"No, of course not." Arthur said in quick agreement. "But he's young. Full of ideas. Unpredictable. Powerful in the wrong hands."

Remus folded his hands in his lap. "Arthur, do you think that he could be safer that way? Safer away from the Order?"

"I think... that he is taking the safer road. For now at least." Arthur remarked. "I don't necessarily think it's the right one. And I think one day it's going to prove to have consequences that he may be unable to face. I think that one can only remain neutral for so long before they must choose a side, and unfortunately those sides may mean life or death. And frankly, I would like to see all of my children alive."

"I dislike this war more than the last one." Remus said. "Perhaps it's because I'm old now, but I'm afraid that this is a war being fought by children now. I suppose that's how it's always been, I was just one of the children last time."

"Speaking of aurors getting shipped out, I'm aware of how valuable their efforts are, to go out and spy for us, but they always come back looking worse and worse off." Arthur sighed. "Perhaps we won't have as many casualties with this new generation. I'd like to believe in that much. Perhaps, and as much as I don't want to admit it, it will be us older ones who take the hit."

"You wouldn't want to lose your children, like you said." Remus said. "Not that I know anything about having my own children, but I knew so many students who are now old enough... people like Fred and George, and Harry, and Ron... they're old enough to know what's going on around them. I don't think we can deny it to them either."

"Don't let Molly hear you on that one." Arthur chuckled. "But yes, to some degree, I think they deserve the decency of acknowledging what's going on around them."

"Did you get any news at the Ministry?"

"Possibly. It might be worth nothing the Yaxley's been on the clock more, yet it seems he's been frequenting work less. I'm beginning to think maybe it's more than him cheating the system."

Remus felt that there was no better time than now to ask his question. It had been burning inside of him for weeks. He could never quite bring himself to ask it, though he always proposed similar questions. He would offer to help with chores, which was often enough for that hour or day or week at most. Perhaps the Order was getting more use out of their clean dishes than they put on (Remus prided himself on the fact that due to his meticulous and almost neurotic behaviour, he was the most efficient at cleaning most surfaces, even if he looked like the most determined house elf that ever lived while he worked). He would ask if he could carry food to the table or make tea. He asked if he could water the plants (_"no, Sirius, I am not looking for an excuse to be in Nymphadora's room, her Oudregons __have to be watered daily while she's gone or else they start sweating poisonous gas, and I don't think you really want that, do you?"_). He would even ask to do small things, like get flowers for the table, even if no one wanted to look at them because they never seemed to help with the post-meeting tension. Remus would refill the salt and the pepper shakers, or the sugar or flour tins. Remus was good at finding small tasks that often were big enough to be noticed, but small enough that no one would bother using magic on.

"When can I start doing Order missions?" Remus eagerly wondered.

And for a moment, he thought Arthur laughed.

"I- Remus, I... I'm not sure there's much we can have you do right now. We wouldn't be able to do much with you, in terms of training you for combat. And with all due respect, the Ministry would be no better. Without your wand, there's no way we could help you get and hold down a job, never mind with your condition." Arthur explained.

"Right, but... surely... surely there's something I can be doing." Remus pressed. "Everyone's talking about me healing and recovering, but I want to be useful again. I know I haven't lost my magic, but it's not like I'm using it anywhere near enough to keep it maintained and-"

"Remus, you're perfectly fine where you're at." Arthur said calmly. "You're working on your reading, correct? I've heard Tonks helping you with that."

"Yes, but there's more that I could be doing, if only the Order could help me-" Arthur didn't interrupt him, but Remus could feel that the air was so thick and heavy around him that the tension was bearing down on him.

"It's getting quite late." Arthur said quietly, pleasantly and normally. "I'm glad your eye is alright. Does it still sting any?"

"It's okay." Remus nodded, touching his face. "Thank you for looking at it. Really, you and Molly both have been wonderfully kind to me."

"It's our pleasure, Remus." The other man seemed to yawn. "I hope you're not so wired up that you can't fall asleep."

"I'll be alright." Remus said. Part of him believed that, being that he already had his nightmare, that if he fell asleep he would likely not remember any more dreams until he awoke. Part of him didn't.

"Well," Arthur abruptly stood up. "Good night then, Lupin."


	17. Chapter XVII

"I feel so stupid." Remus announced.

"I know, I know, but you have to start somewhere, alright? Start over at the beginning of the line." Tonks coaxed.

He took a deep breath, studying the fine plastic bumps that rested under his fingertips. "T...H... The?"

"No."

"Okay, T... H... E-"

"A."

"T... H... A... _That_... R...O...B-"

"Nope."

"R... O... C? R. O. C. K?"

"Mhm."

"That rock... is... heavy."

"Did you actually read the last bit, or are you trying to guess your way through here?" She teased.

"I mean really, how bad can guessing your way through your reading be if that's the only reason Sirius graduates from school?"

"Oi, I heard that!" Sirius called. He let himself into the drawing room.

Remus took a long, deep breath, but it didn't calm his already stressed nerves. "And what are _you_ doing in here exactly?"

"Hoping you could read me a story, Remus, but I see we still need some work, huh?" Sirius sighed. "I just talked to Harry."

_"You did what?"_ Tonks exclaimed. She nearly jumped off of the couch. "Sirius! You can't do that! You aren't supposed to write to him, they could be checking our mail!"

"I didn't write to him, I made myself appear in the Gryffindor fireplace. Well, just my head. And we only talked for a couple of minutes."

"Sirius! Do you not understand that the entire world views you as a mass murderer except for _us_ and that the government actually wants to have your _soul forcefully removed from you body? _At the first chance that they get, Sirius, you are so _stupid!"_

"Welcome to the club." Remus turned his head towards Tonks. "I'm surprised it took you an entire summer to come to that conclusion."

"Errrg!" She exclaimed, frustred. "I cannot _believe_ you did that! You know, stuff like that is completely _funny_, maybe a little risky now and again, I dunno, up until you _accidentally_ out the entire household and conspiracy group to a room of immature teenagers!"

"But I _didn't_. No one _saw_ me except Harry." Sirius said defensively. "You two need more friends. You're starting to sound too much like Remus."

"Sirius, I could lose my _job! _I've spent _years_ on this and you could've ruined it in _seconds!"_

The room was awfully still and quiet. "So... when are you going to ask me about what Harry said?"

"What did Harry say?" Tonks scoffed.

_"Well..." _Sirius scoffed back. "The usual things most teenage boy have to say. There is, of course, a group of students who have been siding with the Prophet and therefore are not very... _receptive_ of him because of what happened with Cedric Diggory. Oh, and he's reportedly been having some girlfriend problems, and he's got a nasty teacher in his tail about his classwork."

"Who's the girlfriend, Hermione?" Remus asked.

"Who's the teacher, Snape?" Tonks followed with.

"No. And for once, also no. The girlfriend problem is actually the girl that was dating Cedric up until his untimely demise."

"She moved on rather quick." Tonks said. "Not that that isn't understandable, you know, I can't imagine how stressed she is."

"Well you see, Tonks, she's not _dating_ Harry per say, Harry just has this thing for her but is worried that she thinks he murdered her boyfriend. Anyways, the teacher is a woman named Dolores Umbridge. Ring a bell to either of you?"

"No... not really..."

"Apparently she has something to do with Wizengamot. She's teaching them practical magic, without using it and Harry got detention for speaking up on that. Basically, he asked why they weren't actually going to be using magic, she said they had no need for it, and Harry decided that that was a good moment to drop Voldemort's name in conversation. And now... he has detention."

"Remus, what are your thoughts on that?" Tonks asked.

"I... me, personally? At least she's not opening her syllabus with the various ways to use unforgivables on people. And she's not torturing them, or setting anything loose on them. So I suppose magical theory isn't the worst thing she could be doing, right?" Remus said. "Harry, and plenty of those other students, know how to apply magic. Magic theory is likely boring at best."

"The point with Defense Against the Dark Arts is to be able to _defend yourself." _Tonks said. "I'm not saying that Cedric would've been able to single-handedly defeat the _Dark Lord _because he knew how to use protege, but you need to be ready if someone starts firing curses at you."

"I didn't say it was _good, _I said it's not the _worst_ thing she could be doing." Remus replied.

"Honestly, I could probably become a teacher and do a halfway decent job of all they're going to do to teach them how to say a spell without even waving their wands." Tonks remarked.

"You wouldn't want to do that." Remus told her. "She'll waste a year of their time, so what? All of the teachers leave after a year. We always hope that maybe we won't be the ones to screw up, that maybe we can even just last two years, but she'll be a nuisance for a year and sone thing will happen, and she'll leave."

"Did you know?" Tonks wondered. "Did you think you would make it two years?"

Remus drew in a tense breath. "I'd personally rather not get into that right now."

"Are you okay?" Sirius pestered.

"Don't worry yourself over it." Remus scoffed.

Sirius yawned loudly and obnoxiously. "Well, this has been fun, hasn't it? I'll come back to check on you and you better be reading Shakespeare to me, yeah?"

"Whatever you say." Remus replied. A firm hand patted him on the back before disappearing.

"If you don't want to talk about it, you know, I completely understand but you know you can talk about anything with me." Tonks reassured, her hand rubbing circles between his shoulder blades. "He's gone now. But don't feel pressured to talk about that."

"Talk about what, the job?" Remus shrugged. "I really don't mind all that much, actually. But it's... most definitely something that is not... _nice."_ He said, trying to beat around the bush best he could.

"Yeah?" She replied patiently.

"I don't want Sirius to hear it. I know _you_ probably don't really care all that much, but I don't want to upset him. He can be very hit or miss with stuff, you know?" Remus laughed, but it was really only to make it seem less troubling. "I dunno what I'm talking about. I'm sorry. I feel stupid, going on about nothing."

"That's alright."

"I don't want to upset you either."

"You won't upset me, believe me." Tonks said. "Whatever you want to tell me, go ahead."

Remus was questioning whether or not he was going to talk. "I think a part of me knew that I wasn't coming back. I was afraid for a while, but I thought that, you know it was meant to be. I knew I wouldn't come back, but I didn't think I would have been alive."

"That's... reasonably scary." Tonks took an unsteady breath. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright." Remus shook his head. "It was terrifying, the night Sirius came back. I thought that... I don't think that I have ever been that close to dying before. I thought that night was going to be it. I was so sure... I was ready to risk everything that night because I didn't think I would change back. I wasn't afraid anymore by that point though. I felt so hopeless at that point, but finding Sirius alive and innocent was what got me here. I think that's why I was so... content with my resignation. But I'm okay! I don't want you to think that I'm afraid or that I'm still in that place that I used to be."

"It's okay, I believe you." Tonks told him, resting her head on his shoulder. Her nose was cold against his neck. "Would you tell me if you felt like you were in that place again?"

"I will." He cleared his throat loudly. "I think... I think that the closest I've ever been to that place was when... all of... _this_ happened."

Tonks was thinking about this. "I really care about you."

"I-I know." Remus nodded.

"I mean, like, I really care about you. Your well-being and all that."

"Thank you, I... really care about you as well."

Her head turned on his shoulder. "I like you too much to let anything happen to you."

"Tonks?"

"Yep?"

"Would you do me a favour?"

"Mmhmm."

"The Ministry's... look, I completely understand that this is your job and that you have to make money and everything... but you are working a lot of nights, so I've noticed and... what I'm trying to get at is will you please be careful? Please don't take missions just because you felt like it. Please don't work yourself until you're so tired your judgement goes bad. Please don't... please don't get yourself hurt, Tonks."

They were very quiet for a moment. "You can call me Dora if you like. Short for Nymphadora. That's what my Dad calls me. I dunno, you don't have to-"

"I think I like that better." Remus nodded. "Not that I dislike Tonks, but I like Dora."

"Just... maybe we keep it private too, you know? I dunno, just because I know we don't really want to be public around people yet. Would you prefer that?"

"I would." Remus smiled. "I like that, Dora."

"Thanks." She chuckled. "And I'll stay safe. Always. I'm too young to start losing my limbs, I think."

"You're too young to _die,_ Tonks." He chided.

"It's _Dora!"_ She replied quickly.

"Well, you're still much too young to die, _Tonks!" _

_"I know!"_ She said vehemently. Then there was another pause. "Thank you for caring about me though, and not just... not just telling me that the only way I'll ever be safe is if I stop being an auror like everyone else does. My parents... you know, I know they love me and care about me, but they've always chided me for becoming an auror. And of course, you know, no one in the office really cares so much for the amateur. They'll cover my ass, obviously, but they don't want me there. For once, you know, it's nice to know that I've got support here. People who don't want me to not be an auror. And people who... don't want me dead either. So... thank you for that."

"Don't get all soft now on me, Dora." Remus teased at her. "I'm being completely serious. You have no business taking unnecessary risks that could kill you."

"Aren't _you_ an unecessary risk?" Tonks asked. "Ah, wait a sec, what I meant was that-the Order-us choosing to be here, isn't _that_ an unnecessary risk...? Remus? You look so grave all of a sudden."

He felt quite grave all of a sudden. His hand sleepily rubbed over his face. His fingertips ran over the rough scars that stretched over his nose and the deep ridges of skin that were fused together on his eyes. His eyebrows were still patchy where the skin used to be flat and not smooth with ruined tissue. What if it had been his own claw that had left those marks? Physically, wasn't he built with exactly the same claws as the man that attacked him? Maybe he wasn't as strong as Greyback, but even being weaker, he had all of the capability to tear open his own face. Or someone else's. Someone else like Sirius... or someone else like Tonks...

"Remus?"

"Yes, right," Remus nodded quickly. "I'm sorry."

"What's up? Did I say something wrong?"

"No, no, no, you're perfectly fine, it's not you." He quickly informed her. "I'm stuck thinking, sorry. I... I want you to know that I don't want anything to happen to you."

Her hand gently cradled his face and pressed a kiss against his face. "I won't let it, okay? I'm going to be here for you."


	18. Chapter XVIII

"I believe in you, come on, you've got this. Just focus on my voice, okay?" Tonks coaxed.

"This feels like a really bad idea." Remus spat. "Tonks, I'm not joking around, this is a very, very, _very _dangerous idea."

"It's okay Remus, really. Alright? But you've got to stop trembling and steady your hand now."

"Tonks, I'm not kidding. You are an auror and this looks like a very bad that you're encouraging me to-"

"I'm standing just a few metres away from you. I'm holding the book out in front of me. I know you can't see it, but it's... it's a pretty big book. You'll _have_ to hit it. You can't _not_ hit it. You know where I'm at, so hold out my wand, and just flick it."

"Tonks-"

"Oh please, we've been over this before. You can handle this."

"It's not me that I'm worried about."Remus took a long, deep breath, and a moment of clarity to think. This was a _bad_ idea and it was plain and simply. The end of her wand was resting firmly in his palm. He was nervously twisting it over and over to get a feel for every marking and groove on it. He didn't like it. His was smooth, except for a very distinct chip in the bottom that took him years to get used to. Hers was jagged like teeth.

"I'm okay. I'm tough, you know?" She replied.

Remus knew she wasn't going to let him argue. "What if I blow out the window? Or the wall?"

"You won't blow anything out, okay?" Tonks reassured. Her voice _was_ genuinely convincing, yet Remus had to keep reminding himself of all of the dangers this little game presented. "Are you okay?"

"Not really." He mumbled.

"Take a deep breath," She demonstrated the deep breath. "Okay. You've got this, yeah? Just like we said. The book's thick leather, I don't think sparks will start any kind of fire-"

"You don't _think?"_

"It won't cause a fire, okay? It's all going to be alright." Tonks said. "You were the one who wanted to do this and there's no need to back out. I can take it."

Before he could even mutter anything other than the garbled nonsense of the beginning of what was nothing like a spell, the wand let out a sharp bolt of electricity through his hand and leapt from his hand, spinning around in circles before landing in the floor.

"Argh!" Tonks let out a cry and then there was a loud thump of her body weight onto the floor. There was a sound similar to a pillow exploding, paper rustling all about through the air.

"NYM-PHA-DOR-A!" Remus instinctively flung his body forward, scrambling around with his limbs outstretched in desperate search for her. He said her name a bit louder than he expected, enunciating each syllable with different amounts of emphasis, and in a tone he wasn't trying to use; he felt like he was scolding her rather than trying to see if she was hurt. His hand was throbbing with pain but Remus shoved that down. He could hear her wheezing and groaning in her own agony. It didn't occur to him right in that moment, but later on when he was thinking about it, he was overjoyed to hear her making _some _kind of noise. The book fell after he body and tumbled off the couch. Tonks coughed. It was deep and raspy from somewhere deep in her lungs. She was still straining for air as she slowly picked herself up. "Are you hurt? What's wrong? Where are you hurt?" He demanded. "Tonks, talk to me please, what's wrong?"

"I'm-" she gasped at the air. "Oof, you knocked the wind out of me, alright? I think you stunned me-"

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, oh my god, I-"

"You're _sorry_. I _heard_ you the first time." She laughed, but it was a "laugh through the pain" sort of laugh. It took her a while to regain her composure. "Gah-don't touch me, I'm okay."

"Are you bleeding anywhere?"

"No- nope. Felt like you punched me in the chest, though."

"I am _so sorry,_ Tonks." Remus begged. "Do I need to find Molly and have her look at you?"

"I'm okay, really." Tonks grumbled, still trying to get her bearings.

"Here, don't stand up if you can't." He offered himself to help her up anyways. Her feet swayed beneath her as she clung to his arms. "We won't ever do that again."

"So, er... you _did_ manage to blow up the book. Thank god it was there or I probably wouldn't be as well off as I am." Tonks said. He could tell she was looking up at him. "It was a mistake. I'm okay, you're okay, my wand- Where is my wand?"

"I- I think I threw it on accident. I mean, I think it flew out of my hand." Remus told her. "I don't know where it went." The drawing room was smelling slightly more charred than before now.

"Is everything alright in here?" A woman's voice asked from the doorway.

"Yes, Molly, everything's fine." Tonks replied.

"Is something burning?"

"No, just some sparks. We're okay."

"You're sure?"

"We're fine, Molly." Remus interrupted quickly.

Molly was apprehensive. "It's getting much too late to be practicing magic. The two of you ought to be asleep by now."

"We're heading that way." Tonks assured her.

Molly was quiet again. "Goodnight, then. Try not to cause any more of a ruckus."

Tonks took a deep breath. "My wand landed over there. Well, I'll sweep the mess up so I don't have to answer to Kretcher and then I'm going to go lie down for a bit and try and sleep. We can try again in the morning, what do you say?"

"We shouldn't." He said quickly. "You don't have to. Tonks-"

"Dora, remember?" She replied. She sounded either very tired or very annoyed.

"Hey, are you sure you're okay? Do you think you can get some sleep tonight?"

"Can _you?"_ Tonks chuckled. "Yes, Remus, a little stunning spell to the chest never killed anyone. Just a few... pains, but I'm okay."

"You're sure you'll be able to sleep? I can go find something for you to take if you can't."

"No, I'm okay." She said politely. "You're very sweet."

"Thank you, I, um-"

"You know, most guys I duel are all like, 'oh god, oh no, my leg! Ah!' or like 'oh no, you bitch!'" Tonks said with dramatic voices. "So maybe I'm glad you didn't call me a bitch, but consider yourself lucky this time."

"I won't call you a bitch." Remus gently reassured.

"Promise?"

"Of course."

"Even if I ask?" There was a little twinkle in her voice.

He couldn't quite get to laugh. The grief of what had just happened was still fresh on his mind.

"I'm sorry." Tonks said. "I'm sorry, actually, if you've every felt that I'm... you know, pushy. I'm bad about that."

"You've never exactly come across as pushy to me." Remus stated. "Not that I can think of, at least."

She appeared to be nodding. "Right. Hey, it's okay. Don't be all uptight over this. I'm okay."

"I hurt you." He replied. What if it had been worse? What if he was capable of killing her? Surely he was even if he didn't mean to, he knew he had the ability to kill her.

"I'm still okay, though." Tonks cooed. Her face was close to his, their foreheads almost touching. "I'm really okay. You're learning. It wasn't that bad."

"I'm sorry." Remus quietly gasped.

"I know, and I keep telling you, _it's okay."_ Her arms snaked around his middle. "We won't practice again if you don't want to. From now own, you call the shots."

He couldn't help but stand and run his fingers through her hair pensively. Remus couldn't think of any other way to apologize, any meaningful way to get through to her. She just seemed to... brush off their dangerous encounter while encouraging him to do it again. She wasn't going to listen to reason. "You've got work in the morning. You should go get some rest."

"Do you want to come?"

"What?"

"I dunno." She shrugged. "The house is just quiet and I hate being alone all the time, 'cept for you and Sirius. I dunno how he deals here. It's so gloomy and dark and cold... I think anyone would go a bit mad spending all their time here." The was a long pause. "But do you want to spend the night in my room? I brought my own blankets. They're not as ragged as the ones here."

Remus was trying to quickly process everything she was saying when he found his head involuntarily nodding. "Sure, yes."

"Cool." She replied, pulling herself away. "I'm going to go brush my teeth then. You know which room's mine."

Now, as her footsteps disappeared down the hall, Remus was left to internal panicking. What was he supposed to do now? What was she going to be expecting from him? She sounded _weirdly_ casual for what Remus's first thought was going on. What, was he supposed to bring his own pillow or something? Was that weird?

Remus walked slowly, listening for the sound of running water in the bathroom at the end of the hall. He liked the smell of her room. It smelled completely different from all the other stuffy rooms. There was still a faint undertone of dust that infested even the most well kept corners, but that was inevitable. He asked her to describe her room to him.

It wasn't like he hadn't been there before, but until now, his only idea of it was how many steps he needed to take to water her plants without bumping into things. She liked burning candles. Something smelled warm and clean, like lemons and citrus. But there was also something spicy in her room, like bitter incense. She wasn't as bored by reading as she wanted him to believe, as there were at least three books piled on her dressers.

Her bed wasn't made and she wasn't great about shutting all of the drawers on her dresser as his shins quickly found out. He didn't know which side of the bed she slept on, either, and he didn't want to intrude or find out by flailing his arms around the bedside tables until he could use deductive reasoning to figure it out. He felt like he was standing there for an eternity, waiting, with no idea what to expect.

"Are you okay?" Tonks's soft voice asked, shutting the door behind her. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I'm okay, I just- I didn't-"

"You can have the left side if you want." She told him. She seemed frozen in place. "I'm sorry, you don't have to stay. I just didn't want to really be alone tonight."

"I can stay." Remus nodded, sitting on the edge of the bed. Tonks has crawled up on the other side. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"G'night, Remus." She cooed.

"Goodnight, Dora." He said quietly,

Remus buried himself under the covers and Tonks turned out the light. She was quite eager to snuggle up to him throughout the night. He was cold natured, so it was nice to have someone else generating body heat next to him. But Remus barely slept at all. He felt like his heart was pounding with no particular reason and his mind was racing with thoughts and worries he didn't know he had. He kept trying to pretend that this was a simple, sweet gesture, yet he couldn't decipher what this meant for them and their future. Was this "being serious"? Were the past the point that if they ever decided to back out, they could no longer be friends?

Remus couldn't sleep, so as soon as he heard the first set of footsteps arise, he decided he would make his way down to the kitchen. Was she going to be mad at him?

The lights were already on downstairs.

"Hello, Remus." The other person in the kitchen this early was shocking. The man's voice was distinctively deep, yet smooth and heavily accented. "You seem to be up early."

"Good... morning." Remus replied off beat. "It's Kingsley, yes?"

"Yes, and Arthur Weasley as well." He replied. "I ought to wake up Nymphadora. She's due for work today." Kingsley abruptly excused himself.

Remus patiently waited for him to disappear upstairs before approaching the kitchen table. "Is everything alright?"

"Remus, there are several of us who are particularly worried about you two." Arthur said quietly. "She's been training you to do magic, hasn't she? We heard something late last night. Molly said the two of you were... _dueling?"_

"No, no, Tonks was just having me practice and it backfired. We decided to stop." Remus explained. "Why?"

"My apologies." Arthur replied. "You and Tonks have been spending a lot of time around each other and people are... well... _talking."_

Remus felt his face flush, his head nodding, as his mind raced through all of the possible things he had to say. "I understand."

"I suppose I should just ask. Are you two-"

"Erm, well-" Remus awkwardly stammered. "Why? Is there some sort of concern?"

"Yes, actually..." The older man sighed. "Remus, we're all worried about the two of you creating some sort of personal connection outside of your work and what this could mean for the two of you. Perhaps the two of you should be more... professional."

"What? Professional? What does that mean?"

"Well, the two of you _are_ working together, are you not?"

"So we are supposed to be acting like _coworkers_ or something?" Remus shot beach with frustration. "I'm sorry. I simply don't understand what your point is. Arthur, it's not serious- _we _aren't serious-we really are just..." He couldn't quite piece together what word he was thinking of.

"Perhaps would be better if the two of you came to an agreement about being friends for the time being. Simply to keep things from being too, say, distracting. You'll both be able to keep your options open for the future and you won't conflict with your work."

"We weren't planning on getting _married_ or something." Remus laughed aloud. "What are you talking about? I would never try and keep her from her work. I'm certainly trying my best to keep her focused on her missions and I promise, if you think I'm interfering with the Order, I will step out of it. Do you think that I'm becoming a problem?"

"Of course not!" Arthur said lightly. "But are you not still apart of the Order yourself?"

There was a pit of frustration in his stomach. "I thought I was utterly hopeless to you." Remus said bluntly. "I thought I was just here because you all felt sorry, or have you all of a sudden decided I'm of some sort of monetary value-"

"No, no, no, it's not like that at all." Arthur said quickly.

"They why won't you teach me to go on missions?" Remus asked.

"We simply... aren't ready for you yet. And you aren't ready for us either."

"When am I supposed to be ready?" Remus asked hurriedly.

But Arthur seemed to detour again. "It's just that... you know, some of the people here are quite concerned about... well, your _ages._ It's a bit funny, don't you think?" Arthur tried to keep light hearted, but there was obviously something condescending in his voice.

Remus quickly cut him off. "We aren't... Nymphadora and I agreed that we wouldn't be that serious about this, it's really nothing to be concerned about, and there should be no interference. But I don't see why this has to do with the Order. I'm barely even let in for the meetings. Why should any of this be an issue?"

There was an awkward pause. "I talked with Professor Dumbledore in a letter and he's mentioned that he wants to put you out on a mission soon."

Remus stumbled backwards. "What?"

"The problem is that we need you to work on your reading." Arthur informed him. "We'll need you because you can write in a language that's harder to trace and harder to translate. You have the potential to be an ideal messenger."

"Am I... am I going to have to go back to the werewolves?" He felt utterly childish asking, but he felt the need to.

"There's no need, really. Your cover as the mole was blown and it nearly cost you your life. We need you as a messenger. You'll be much more valuable to us that way, but not yet. Just wait for Dumbledore to contact you." Arthur informed him. "And... as a note, you _never_ heard any of this from _me._ Dumbledore—a brilliant man, but he works in quite mysterious ways—he's still fleshing out his plan, whatever that will be. I need you to stand on the down low for right now, you hear?"

Remus nodded. "Thank you, Arthur."

Arthur firmly patted his shoulder. "Good luck. And don't let us down."


	19. Chapter XIX

**AN: long update because... I owe it to you.**

The morning felt thick and slow, like the sun couldn't come up fast enough. People were slowly stirring and wandering around, but not with purpose. Remus was fidgety. He and Arthur were standing quietly, drinking their tea and waiting patiently for a patronus. Kingsley had already headed out for work and Molly was up now to cook breakfast.

_"Remus, I have no doubt that you will be unable to perform this task." _Dumbledore's calm voice echoed out of a wispy patronus. _"He will be expecting you at the Leaky Cauldron. Sit down and wait, and he will come to you. He knows to expect you."_

Remus let go of the breath he was holding. Arthur sort of grumbled and turned his back to him, pacing the length of the kitchen and mumbling something to himself.

"Good on you, dear." Molly said approvingly. "We'll take good care of you and make sure you get there and back."

"Thank you." Remus nodded. His heart was racing. _Finally!_ This was his chance to do something productive and show that he wasn't simply freeloading off of the Order, despite the fact that if he as much as said thank you, Molly would jump in with a flood of reassurance, no matter how much of it fell on deaf ears.

Arthur left the kitchen at some point, quickly saying goodbye to Molly before disappearing. Remus stood awkwardly against the counter, listening as Molly hummed along to a quiet radio, the sizzling of food cooking on the stovetop. Tonks came bounding down the steps in socked feet.

"An _hour,_ Nymphadora!" Kingsley's voice boomed as he made his way out the door.

"Good morning!" Tonks said in a bubbly voice. She quickly snatched up his cup to replace it with a new warm cup of tea. Remus wrapped his hand around her back, squeezing a fistful of her shirt. She was wearing some sort of blouse, supposedly for something work related since it seemed like nothing she would usually wear. There was also some new odd perfume to her. Usually she smelled less sickly sweet than how she did now but Remus quickly got used to it. "How'd you sleep?" She asked softly, her hand still hanging on his arm.

"Good." Remus lied, swallowing the knot in his throat.

"Good." Tonks yawned. Her voice dropped away from Molly's prying ears, almost to a whisper. "I'm not really a light sleeper. I'm sorry if that kept you up or-"

Remus shook his head as a warning. "It's fine." He eased his hand off of her. "How's the bruise?"

"Hurts the bend over, but I know I have some bruise paste back at work. Should clear it up and I'll be good as new." Tonks said.

"Do you need me to have a look?" Molly asked.

"Oh no, I'm fine, but thank you. It's not the worst thing I've been hit with." Tonks seemed thoughtful for a moment. "I was wondering, you want to go do something tonight? Are you going to be busy?"

"I, um..." Remus tilted his head. "I'm going on my first mission this evening."

"Oh yeah?" Tonks asked in an excited voice. "That's great, where are they sending you? You are going with someone, right?"

"I don't know who I'm going with yet, I mean, I would assume someone is supposed to be taking me, but I'm meeting someone at the Leaky Cauldron to deliver a package."

"I'm really happy for you." Tonks said. She wrapped her arm around his neck, leaning her head against his chest in a firm hug and slyly kissed the inside of his neck. "You're going to do fine. I'm so happy for you!"

"Thank you." Remus said. "But I don't know when you'll get back or when I get back or-"

"Hello? Excuse me, you're blocking the cereal." Sirius's gruff voice announced his sudden presence.

"Hello? We're sort of having a moment here." Tonks said sarcastically. "You know, sugar's bad for you."

"Oh well in that case, maybe you ought to move before I keel over choking just standing here watching you two." Sirius said wryly as he passed. Tonks helped guide Remus out of the way, both of her left feet accidentally stomping on his toes. Remus could feel Tonks roll her eyes. _"Thank you."_ He was heavy-handedly searching around the cabinet for his breakfast.

"Remus is going on his first mission." Tonks informed him.

"What for?"

"What do you mean, '_what for_', he's doing Order work just like he used to." Tonks laughed.

"And you think he's ready?" Sirius said in a half-kidding, half-deadly serious voice.

"I think I know how to hand someone a box."

"Congratulations, Moony, should I have brought a cake?" Sirius retorted snidely.

"Oh shove off." Remus chuckled.

"Do you think you can handle going out of your own though?" Sirius asked. "You don't think anyone will suspect him?"

"I think it should be inconspicuous enough." Remus said.

"But you know it's awfully cold out today." Tonks quickly pointed out.

"Yeah?" Remus replied.

"Well? Where's your coat?" Tonks crossed her arms.

"Aw, are you going to give him your coat?" Sirius made a noise of disgust.

"I mean, would you like it? Where's yours?"

"I... You know, I'm not sure if I've seen it since spring." Remus said.

"Hmm, it could be in the closet, I think." Tonks remarked.

"Actually, hang on just a moment- Excuse me, Molly?"

"Yes, Remus?" Mrs. Weasley's voice responded.

"Did you burn all of my clothes from St. Mungo's?"

"Yes, dear!"

"Even my coat?"

"I don't think so, but why don't you check the hall closet. I think it was the only thing without blood on it."

"Right! Hall closet..." Remus turned around, setting his tea on the counter. "Dora, where... where is the hall closet?"

"Yeah, it's... I mean, I can show you I guess. Or I can go look for you."

"Hall as in the cellar, by the fireplace, the front hallway? By the stairs?"

"Beside the stairs." Tonks said quietly, her voice closer to him than before. "And I'll go get you a scarf. I'm sure there's one around here somewhere."

"Sorry, I don't go running my hands all over the walls when I'm bored." Remus said dryly. He followed her closely, navigating around the table.

"You do too." Sirius chimed in.

"Oh, excuse me, Sirius." Remus turned his body, sticking his foot out and swinging his foot with him until it hit something soft. Sirius exclaimed as his foot made contact with his leg.

"Watch it, _asshole!"_ He shot back.

"You're getting pretty good at that." Tonks pointed out with a chuckle.

"Don't encourage him." Sirius said.

"What? This is good! He's getting... he can use _space_ and things." Tonks was opening up a closet door outside the kitchen. Remus ran his hand over the wooden paneling on the door.

_"He's_ standing right here, you know." Remus reminded. Tonks leaned over and lovingly nudged him with her elbow. They playfully stole a quick and unfulfilling kiss as soon as they got into the hallway.

"Uck." Sirius spat

"But seriously, do you want to just take my coat?"

"It might only make me smell more like you and you know, that might actually be a bad idea-" Remus told her.

"You know I think there are nicer ways to tell me to take a shower." Tonks teased him.

"No, no, what I meant is that it would make me smell like you and I wouldn't exactly want to have people trying to track you down because of me." He was beginning to regret letting her hang all over him. He was already making a note in his head about showering to get her scent off of him.

"Don't worry, I've got enough death eaters on my ass I think I can take it." She sounded like she was smirking.

"I'm okay. I'll take an old one if I have to. No big deal."

She handed him a coat. "I think... I think this one's got to be yours. There you go, I think that's yours."Tonks was quiet, busy thinking as she watched him. Something about her posture brought his attention to her. "Will you be safe?"

"As safe as I can be."

"You know you don't have to go. You know, honestly... maybe you don't have any business going out there."

"I don't need you to protect me. I'll be okay, I'm going to be in public, I'll have plenty of cover." Remus informed her. He reached out to squeeze her hand. "I don't... _think_ that there are supposed to be any werewolves, but I want to be safe."

"Be careful." Tonks said sternly, too quiet to let Sirius hear. "I'm not joking. Please don't... please don't do anything too stupid." She seemed like she was going to say something else before stopping herself.

"I'm not going to get myself hurt." Remus shook his head. "Dora, I'm going to be okay. I won't be long."

"Do you... you know, have a story about how-about what happened?" She wondered. "I just mean, if someone you know sees you and wonders why all of a sudden you haven't got eyes."

"I don't need a story." He shrugged. "I just... have to lie about who did this to me."

"Right." Tonks was uncomfortable with that. "I... do you... will you have time to have dinner tonight?"

Remus nodded quickly, hoping to soothe her thoughts a bit. "I hope so. I shouldn't have to wait long."

"Do you want to come meet my parents?" She blurted it out at him. "I just meant, like... well my mum invites me over for dinner every week and I'm going tonight, if you want to come, that's fine, but you don't have t-"

He cut her off. "Can I think about it? Just let me have the day to think about it."

"Okay, yeah," Tonks nodded furiously. "And please don't feel obligated to come, I just thought you deserved an invitation, you know?"

Something soft yet scratchy sat in his free hand. It felt like a hand knitted scarf. "Thank you."

"Welcome." Tonks smiled. "And again, you don't have to come to dinner with me. Please don't make a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. My parents are just really nice and they can be a bit much, but this isn't any big deal."

"I'd like to go." Remus insisted.

"They're good people, I promise. They won't mind you. They'd actually really like having the company and they wouldn't say anything about you being-" Her voice trailed off.

"Being what?" Remus posed. "I suppose you could take your pick on that one. Were you going for older, disabled, or nonhuman?"

She playfully punched him. "I can tell you that they will like you for who you are no matter if you're all of those things."

"I _am_ all of those things." He tried to keep from smiling.

Tonks rolled her eyes so hard he could hear it in the dead space "They aren't judgmental, I promise. They'll like you. And not because you're my... boy... friend? Am I supposed to call you that? I'm- ugh. Forget it."

Remus brushed his hand over her face and she met him halfway to kiss him. It felt like a real kiss this time, like they weren't sneaking tiny kisses and hidden touches they had when no one was particularly watching them. She always gave him a nearly painful sensation in his chest like he couldn't breathe, like his arteries clenched up and forced his heart to race around his ribcage. His head felt dizzy the longer she stayed close by. Suddenly Remus jarringly jerked away from her mid-kiss, forcefully separating them. "I'm sorry. This is too much for us to be—I'm so sorry."

"'_Sorry_'?" Tonks let out a morbid laugh. "Pardon?"

Remus, still unsure of what he had just done, what had just happened, shook his head. His mouth hung open and his arms were still in a defensive position between them. "Do you-" He wanted nothing more than to hear her thoughts, to read her face, to have some sort of indication as to what was turning inside of her mind. He felt his face flush. "I didn't mean to-"

He wanted to take the moment to tear into her for answers. Remus was always a bit too coordinated and it was distressing to think that there was no linear plan as to their future together. What was this all supposed to mean and what was the end goal? What was this turning into and where was it going? Why did she treat this in an almost nonchalant manner, as if it were _normal_ to be doing all of the things they were doing like it was nothing? The spontaneity of her actions set him on edge like teeth grinding together.

Every time he saw her, he wanted to be around her more, to hold her and kiss her. He enjoyed every moment of her company and kept finding himself daydreaming about her voice when she was gone, despite every ounce of his being screaming in the back of his mind that maybe this was a terrible idea and he needed to split from this as quickly as he could. He didn't even need the voice to remind him; all Remus had to do was reach up and touch his own face to be reminded of the fact that he was living off of borrowed time, that either Greyback's pack or his own lycanthropy was going to end him prematurely, or to remind him of how dangerous and capable he was... how easy it would be for Tonks's face to end up exactly as torn as his was or worse.

"You don't have to apologize for anything." Tonks said quickly. "Are you okay, though? You seemed fine and now you're clearly not... look up at me, is something else wrong?"

"No, I'm... completely fine." Remus tried to shake off his embarrassment. "I was more worried about _us."_ Remus told her. "Dora, do you ever think that maybe we need to have... have some sort of clear line, like a boundary that we're not supposed to cross?"

"Why? What's wrong?" She asked a bit more panicked.

"We work together. First and foremost, this is our _job." _He said.

"First and foremost, we met when you were ill and practically bedridden with depression. First and foremost, we're friends and I care about your wellbeing." Tonks said in an annoyed voice. "What's wrong? What's with this all of a sudden?"

"Dora, I didn't mention this, but um," Remus turned his head to the kitchen. "Arthur pulled me aside this morning. People are beginning to get a bit suspicious and it's-he's concerned."

Tonks took a deep breath. "Yeah, I knew something like that was going to happen. I don't know if you've been in the run with the news, but they keep cracking down on the half-breed registry."

Pain twisted deep in his gut. "How bad is it?"

Her voice was shaky. "Kingsley says it's not going to be long before they're going to have us start fining people who don't register, but Mad-eye's convinced there's already plans to raid people's houses and make arrests."

"And what do _you_ think?"

"I think... I think there's a reason there's a disproportionate amount of half-breeds being arrested for supposed petty crimes considering the fact that I _know_ someone upstairs is skimming through a government fund and the head of the department basically had to come down and tell us not to investigate or they'll cut out our tongues." She said bitterly. "It's Malfoy, by the way, I _know_ he's up to something. I don't trust his _stupid _face. He knows we can't do anything."

"That's... awful." Remus felt at a loss for words. "Have they come after you yet?"

"Not outside the usual harassment. Hey, it's alright. Don't look like that, it's just the way things are." Her hand lovingly caressed his.

"Shouldn't be." He said. "But when Arthur was talking to me, he was taking more about how we're working together now and I'm fairly certain he thinks we're too busy shagging each other to focus on our work." Remus was trying very hard to fend off the gnawing combination of guilt and terror that he felt whenever they were together, whenever she kissed or touched him. He fought to stay light hearted, to be carefree, to use her as a pleasant distractions from their certain impending doom.

Tonks sighed. "Right. Of _course_ he is." She muttered. "Mad-eye's been onto me about it too and Kingsley's sort of the silent judgement type. Probably brought up the age thing too, huh? I wouldn't take them serious. This isn't work, _you_ are not my job and I don't care what they have to say about it."

"I think they have a point though, Dora. I mean, imagine if all I did was hang around the auror office all of the time."

"Remus, I _live_ here, okay? _You_ live here. And we both just so happen to be running a government conspiracy group out of our front room. Besides, if you were being that much of a distraction, I'd think it would be a bit more noticeable. I spend my weekends with you, it's not like I'm trying to jump down your throat while trying to duel a death eater." She ranted.

Remus pursed his lips. "I need to be honest though and say that I think maybe they have a decent point. Perhaps... Tonks, it's not like this is a very good idea to begin with, don't you think?"

Tonks staggered. "What?"

"I mean, what? Where do you think we're going with this? What future could you possibly imagine where I'm in it? I barely know you at all, and believe me, I think you're absolutely lovely, but it's not like this is going to mean anything significant in the end. We're just... in the right place at the right time, and I honestly can't see this going anywhere productive." The words wouldn't stop spilling out. "It's great, it's... it's nice having someone to talk to beside Sirius, but do you actually think that if I wasn't home bound and at least somewhat dependent on the people around me, you would even have a speck of interest in me?"

"This isn't about being productive, Remus, have you never dated someone in your life?" Tonks asked. "And I absolutely would have a speck of interest in you. You're saying this is all because of circumstances and all, but really-"

"All I'm saying is that we both know this isn't going to be a big happy ending, so why are we doing this at all?"

"And what makes you so clever that you get to decide one way or the other without barely giving me a chance?" She demanded.

"The Order's eventually going to disband, either things are going to get better or enough of us are going to die that we all go home. Whether it's one year from now or ten, this isn't how things are always going to be." Remus explained. "Do you really think that if things were normal in a year, you would still want to be around me?"

"Why aren't you giving me the opportunity to find out, huh?" She threw up her hands. "Look, I'm not going to stand here and fight you over this, I really thought you like me and that things were going great. But if you decided to change your mind, I'm leaving here at six tonight and my mum's making curry, so whatever... whatever you've got going on, I hope you get it all sorted."

Tonks started walking away when Remus stopped her, his hand closing in around her arm. "I don't hate you."

"I know you don't." She replied. "But I don't know how to tell you to let this go and stop overthinking this."

"You're just going to get hurt one way or the other, and I don't see why you can't just... I dunno, maybe find some nice younger auror who won't stun you or make you carry him around all the time."

"Because I don't _want_ one." She muttered. "Now let go of me."

Remus let go of her and she trudged up the stairs. He felt like he was going to be sick. He unclenched his teeth and slowly made his way back to his room. He was more than furious at himself for saying all of those things to her. He wanted her more than anything in the world yet here he was, shouting at her to go as far away from him as she could. Yet Remus knew that's what he was supposed to do. This whole sweetheart fling they had was never going to last and had no business lasting, but he couldn't banish it from his mind.

Remus was too sick to eat anything and all of the conversation Sirius was trying to start up was boring and uninteresting. He eventually managed down a slice of toast just to give him something to think about other than Sirius's voice for a few minutes. Arthur was coming home at half past o'clock to fetch Remus and make sure he made it safely to the Leaky Cauldron. The mysterious ally would know his name and know what sort of person he was looking for, and they would even have a special code phrase, an excuse as to why they were meeting, but all Remus knew was if anything went wrong, if he was being tracked, they would delay the meeting.

Remus hasn't quite considered the logistics of showing up at the Leaky Cauldron and trying to find somewhere private where he could meet with the messenger as there was the very obvious problem of trying to not sit at an already occupied place. He finally had to muster up his embarassment and ask the bartender if he could point him in some direction.

He sat in a secluded booth in the corner, taking off his coat and the scarf Tonks had given him. He didn't know how long he had been sitting there, or how long he would be sitting there for. He listened to people as they came and went from the establishment. Eventually, he had to get something to drink so that at least he wasn't _completely loitering, but he refused to let himself become intoxicated. The long stretch of silence gave him too much time to think about things. He tried to pretend he was absolutely terrified. The person he was meeting could walk right up to him with a dark mark and a death eater mask on and at best, Remus might think he had a head cold. This mission wasn't that important in the long run, but if he slipped up, Remus's track record was going to be completely irredeemable._

He thought about Tonks for the most part. Remus felt terrible for making her feel bad and worse for possibly making their entire relationship irreversible. This was the absolute _opposite _of what he had wanted. Ideally, she would have listened to reason and realized his point in that they were too good at being friends to throw that away because they were too handsy with one another or worse, realize that he was nothing more than a dangerous distraction and that was either going to get her seriously maimed or killed. He wanted to demand that she stop being so foolish and realize that she was never going to truly be fulfilled and satisfied with him, but the problem with that was the fact that Remus couldn't quite come to terms with that himself. If only he would stop being so damn selfish and think about how he was affecting the others for once. But even when he tried to draw his mind away from her, he couldn't shake his thoughts off of her. What was it going to be like the next time they met? Was any of this salvageable? Could they still friends? Was that even safe for them to be? Did he want that?

Remus was getting bored. Increasingly so that he Naram daydreaming... would he ever be able to live on his own again? Would he be able to buy his own food and cook for himself, do his own laundry, maybe even own a pet one day? It had to be feesible since even muggles could do it, but first he would need a paying job. That was much less feesible. Literal hours were beginning to tick by and Remus wanted nothing more than to simply walk out. It was become excruciatingly painful to sit and do nothing, to not even have the pleasure of reading when he was bored. He was tired of sitting in silence and his legs were growing stiff.

"Sorry I'm late, mate," a voice said suddenly. "Hello?"

"Oh, hello," Remus jumped to his feet and held out his hand. "Got caught up at work, yeah?"

"Yeah, long day." The voice was younger than Remus expected and his handshake was just about as weak. "Thanks for waiting up for me."

"Thanks for making it." Remus smiled. At that point, he was obligated to buy them both drinks as Tom was now growing increasingly suspicious of him. "I'm glad you managed to make time for me on your birthday."

"Anything for a friend." The man said. The package wasn't much. It was the size of a journal and was wrapped in gift paper. Remus took it out of his coat pocket. He hoped the man wasn't so stupid as to open it, but he put it in his pocket. Now writing letters would be a bit more inconspicuous when they weren't in plain English. "You didn't have to get me anything."

"I wanted to." Remus replied, sliding it across the table. "I probably owe you more than one to be frank with you."

They had small talk for a painstaking while. Neither knew when to finally have to rush out and neither knew what the truth was. Remus didn't even know the man's name (if he didn't know better, he could have been young enough to be a Hogwarts student). It got so bad they began discussing the weather. The man tried to spin some story about his so-called family or some friends of his celebrating his fake birthday, but Remus quickly lost interest. They both just wanted to leave. Finally, the man announced that he had forgotten about the fact that he needed to run by the store before his mother came by to visit and they could drop their elaborate story.

Remus waited a few minutes to head back to Grimmauld, though he hoped he could make it in time. It occurred to him that there was no way he could walk home, nor flop since he didn't have powder and Grimmauld needed to stay off the grid. He had no wand to apperate with. He simply walked out side to begin formulating when he heard a familiar _pop_ come in from behind him. He tried to ignore it, thinking that it must be just another wizard until he heard Arthur's voice.

"Keep walking, I think someone might be watching us." He said softly. Remus ignored him and kept walking. Finally they were far enough from the pub that they could talk. "I was worried something went wrong. I kept checking on you and nothing happened."

"He took his time is all." Remus said. "What time is it? Do you know?

"Just a bit after six." Arthur checked his watch. Remus felt defeated. "Why?"

"Nothing. I'd just like to head back now." Remus shook his head.


	20. Chapter XX

"Sirius, if this is the wrong house-"

"It isn't." Sirius said, more than confident in himself.

"Sirius," Remus urged, fidgeting with his tie. Despite his rush home, he still made Sirius pick out a jacket and tie for him to wear. He demanded Sirius wear nice clothes as well, but it didn't matter how much he yelled at him, all he could do was hope the two of them looked decent. "You _do_ realize if you've somehow managed to mess this up, some... poor old woman's going to answer the door and see a mass murderer standing there."

"Wouldn't that make her day? Maybe she'll invite us in for dinner anyways." Sirius's laughed. "Oh, and by the way, I wanted to give you these."

The two of them stopped and Sirius took out his wand again. "Give me what?" Then, Remus felt something top-heavy and wrapped in paper appear in his hands: a bouquet of flowers.

"I thought maybe Andromeda would probably really like you if you gave her flowers." Sirius said.

"Damn, I hadn't even thought about that!"

"Then—I dunno! Just pretend that it was your idea." Sirius encouraged. He was too busy thinking about other things that he forgot to mention the mailbox that was leaning at an awkward angle, sticking out towards the driveway.

This was the same mailbox that suddenly punched Remus in the stomach and sent him staggering backwards with a sharp cry, doubling over in pain. _"Sirius!"_ He exclaimed. Sirius let out a bellow of laughter. "Oh! I'm sorry, was that funny to you?"

"Remus?" A familiar voice exclaimed. A door slammed. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

Remus coughed hard, his arms wrapped around his middle. He had dropped the bouquet. Tonks didn't seem to be alone, only furthering his embarassment. His face was hot with anger. And Sirius didn't seem to be the only one laughing either. Remus tried to straighten himself up but he was still in a nearly unbearable amount of pain. He cleared his throat and smoothed out his clothes to try and regain some kind of composure in front of Tonks's parents. "You know, I've been meaning to fix that stupid thing for forever now..." A new voice said. It was a man's voice, and although he seemed friendly enough, his humour was off putting. "Are you alright, son?"

"I'm... I'm fine, thank you." Remus said still shocked. He held out his hand in the general direction of the voice. "Sirius, could you grab the-" Sirius quickly knelt down to pick up the flowers and hand them to him.

"The plesantries can wait a few more minutes," a woman's voice said harshly. She sounded firm and cool. It was almost eerie to listen to her._ "Please_, before the neighbours see you."

Remus was initally shocked hearing someone say something like that before he realized she wasn't talking about him. An arm quickly wrapped around his and started leading him forward. "I've got you. Don't worry, we'll catch up." Tonks said softly. The others hurried inside, the woman talking quietly but sternly to Sirius. "So... you came."

"I wanted to." Remus told her, turning his head towards her.

She huffed. "What, so we're just going to play some kind of game of back and forth now, huh? " He didn't respond and she paused, taking a deep breath. "I'm just glad you came."

"I'm sorry I'm late. And I'm sorry I brought a guest." Remus murmured. Tonks carefully helped him up an unfamiliar set of wooden steps. "Am I dressed appropriately? Was I supposed to bring anything?"

Tonks leaned over and picked him on the cheek. "You're here. You're perfect."

"He didn't charm my clothes, did he?"

"Lime green. The whole ensemble." She laughed. Remus's fist tightened around her arm. "You look very well put together, Remus. Very handsome."

"And I'm sure you look... absolutely stunning."

"Hmm, yeah, I know I do." Tonks said lightly. "I think my Dad's talked about meeting you all day long, according to my mother."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Remus asked warily.

"Oh no, he's excited." She boasted. "I've told them a little bit about you and all."

"Lovely." Remus sharply inhaled. "I'm so sorry I brought Sirius with me. He was the only person who knew how to get here."

"I'm surprised he remembered where Mum lived." Tonks chuckled, helping him hang onto the banister on the front steps. Her hand was placed gently on his back and as soon as they got to the top, she trapped him in a side hug. "But I'm just glad you're here."

"I'm glad I'm here too." Remus smiled.

"...I don't understand why you're so _upset_, cousin." Sirius said in a charming voice.

"Get. Inside. The house. _Now." _The woman growled.

Someone reached behind Remus to catch the door as Tonks carefully made sure he didn't fall over the threshold, only to subsequently fall over it herself. "Oh bloody-" Remus held tightly to her, preventing her legs from collapsing and sending her into the floor, carefully hoisting her back up to a steady standstill.

"Good catch." Tonks's father laughed lightly. A firm hand clasped against Remus's shoulder. The house was almost uncomfortably warm and smelled of savoury food. A radio was softly playing music in the other room.

"Thanks." Tonks sounded a bit embarrassed.

The other woman took a painfully deep breath. "I will handle _you_ in a minute." She exclaimed. Remus felt a hand appear and grasp onto his own. It was well manicured and bony, and her skin felt like it was saggy. "Hello, you... must be Remus."

"Yes, and you must be Mrs. Tonks." Remus put on a big smile for her. "I um, I thought it would be nice if I brought you flowers, but I didn't plan on dropping them. I apologize if they're a bit crushed." He stuck out his hand into the void, hoping she was somewhere nearby that he wasn't being weird.

"Oh! They're for me?" She sounded almost embarrassed, but happily took them from him. "They're absolutely lovely! How thoughtful of you, Remus. Thank you, I'll go put them in water."

"And I'm Ted." The man behind them said.

"Hello, Mr. Tonks." Remus turned to hold his hand out for a handshake.

"_'Mr. Tonks,'_ it's alright, you can call me Ted." Her father said with amusement. His handshake was intimidating. "Well don't just stop in the doorway, I better go set the table for Andy."

"No, no," Mrs. Tonks said in a warning voice. "That's sweet of you, but I still need a word with Sirius."

"Oh come on-" Ted protested.

"Forget about it," She cooed playfully. _"Sirius, _why don't you come help me set the table?" Sirius grumbled and shuffled away into the kitchen. There was a distant fussing coming from the kitchen.

"Poor thing, Molly's going to tear right into him when we get home anyways." Remus shook his head.

Ted chuckled. "Oh I'm sure Andy's leave her some scraps." He stepped around the side of his daughter. "Come on in, you two, you've not got anything to be afraid of. You don't want to let anything in." Tonks and Remus both awkwardly shuffled forward out of the doorway. "So, Dora's not really mentioned much about you. Besides the fact that the two of you are in the Order."

Remus tensed up with panic. "You know about the...?"

"Oh don't worry, we were more than happy to lend a hand for the cause. We weren't just going to hand over our only daughter without offering to help ourselves. We're a safe house, should we ever have to... you know." Ted's voice was weirdly calm. He didn't let these kinds of things bother them. Tonks escorted Remus through the kitchen towards a dining table. "Do you do any work outside of the Order?"

_"Dad-"_

Remus flushed with embarrassment. "Well, yes and no. I've done a lot of various jobs. I worked in the Prophet's mailroom for a while before my accident. Haven't had a chance to start looking again."

"I think that's very admirable." Ted said confidently. "They really do like their underpaid slave labour, the Ministry does. I see it all the time."

"Where do you work?"

"I work within the international communications department. Boring stuff."

"Doesn't sounds like it." Remus said.

"Wait, Lupin... didn't you teach over at the school for a while just a few years back?" Ted wondered.

"Only for a year. I was the Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher." Remus nodded.

"And what drew you to teaching exactly?"

Sirius laughed. "Oh _Professor Lupin_ over here has always wanted to be teacher, ever since we were in school together. I dunno how that man ever ended up in Gryffindor and not Ravenclaw."

"Sirius, grab that bowl of rice please." Mrs. Tonks said. Remus carefully sat down and Tonks sat down beside him. Remus was suddenly very nervous and _very_ aware of what he was doing, trying to be as meticulous as possible when he put food on his plate and even more careful in eating it.

"Ah, anyways, enough business. You two are here on your night off." Ted remarked. "So how did you two meet?"

"We just sort of... bumped into each other, really." Tonks took over. "I mean, we _live_ together."

"Oh... and how... how is that going?" Ted got a bit awkward.

"Not like _that_, Dad." She said, rolling her eyes. Remus tried not to think of the night before. "We have separate rooms, separate bathrooms... we just... happen to eat meals together a lot. I think talking to each other was inevitable."

"I think you broke a vase." Remus said.

"Was there someone _in it?" _Andromeda asked in shock.

_"No... _not _this_ time."

"Mum, did he _really_ need to know that?"

"Who did you knock in the floor?" Remus asked curiously.

"Poor old Granny Tonks took a tumble in the floor when Dora was about nine or so." Ted said.

"She was in a _bag."_ Tonks said defensively. "Gran didn't just go splattering all over the carpet."

Ted had many stories to tell about his daughter: stories of her short-lived adventures as a Hufflepuff chaser, of he rambunctious times as a metaphoragus child, and stories of her time in the auror academy. Tonks was gushing with embarrassment. Mrs. Tonks frequently interjected with more charming details. Remus was listening intensely, though Sirius was more interested in Ted and Mrs. Tonks's history since he had been thrown in Azkaban. Remus was still torn between eating because he felt like he had been starving all day, and being picky with his food for the simple fact he was afraid he looked too ravenous and getting curry on himself in front of his sweetheart's parents seemed like an inevitable disaster waiting to happen. He spent dinner with a napkin protectively close to his face. Ted made a joke about his eating, something suggestive about how next time they would fix something a bit more to his taste. He didn't seem to be derogatory in making a joke about Remus's condition, but Tonks swept in to chastise him.

Mrs. Tonks had said something about dessert, but Remus couldn't focus. He had slowly dazed off, his mind wandering away from dinner. "Can Remus and I be excused for a few minutes? We haven't had a chance to talk." The was a quiet pause._ "Dad! _Don't look at me like that! We're just going _outside."_ She managed to turn her father's name into two syllables. Ted thought it was funny.

Remus carefully got up from the table. "Dinner was great." He managed to remember to say something before disappearing the way they came.

"I wouldn't normally sneak out like this, but I have got to have a word with you." Tonks said in nearly a low growl. "I've been needing a word with you all evening. After this morning?"

A coat was forced at Remus and he quickly put it on. "I wholeheartedly agree." He said quickly, realizing that he didn't really have any say in the matter. He was a little bit frightened by her irritation.

"Can Remus and I talk outside for a few minutes?" Tonks asked, throwing on her coat before wrapping her arm around Remus's. "We'll be right back in in a few minutes."

"Okay, well, I'm going to make some coffee." Ted announced. "Should be done before you get back."

Tonks helped him out of the door. The air was biting cold compared to the cozy house. The wind wasn't more than a light breeze but it quickly froze Remus to the bone and made him shiver. The door shut behind them.

"I'm... I didn't really know what to think after this morning." Tonks confessed. "I didn't know if I scared you off or if I went too far or if you ever wanted to speak to me again. You really had me worried there for a bit."

"I didn't mean to frighten you." He confessed. "I... I do feel a bit foolish and I think I should have thought out what so wanted to say a bit better."

"Oh." Her voice dropped and she pulled back. "So you meant it then? What, you don't think we're good for each other and you don't want to be around me? Then why did you-"

"I _don't_ think we're good for each other, but I absolutely don't know what I would do without you." Remus blurted out. He tried to reach for her, but he couldn't find her. Her footsteps walked around him to the side of the porch, the railing creaking as she leaned on it.

"Then what makes you think that you aren't the best person for me right now?" Tonks asked earnestly. "What makes you think that you've got this all figured out for me?"

"I don't." Remus confessed. "But I just can't help but think you don't have this figured out for yourself either."

"Why not?" She demanded. "Why are you so against this? Why are you even here?"

"I want what's best for you-"

"And why can't that be _you?" _Remus slowly walked towards her and put his arm around her back. "Why did you come tonight if you just wanted to tell me that you're done with me?"

"I don't want to be done with you. I don't want to lose you, Tonks, and everything that I've said is because I don't want anything to happen to you." He tried to keep his voice soft. "Tonks, what if something happened and you ended up like me? Do you think I like living like this? Do you think that this sort of thing can't happen to anyone?"

"You're not... you're not like that." Tonks crosses her arms, leaning back against his arms. "You've never hurt anyone like that-"

"How do you know?" He cut her off.

"I... well I guess I don't." Tonks said. She became very quiet and unusually still. "Would you hurt me? Right now. Do you think you would be capable of hurting me?" Remus didn't exactly follow her question. She took his hand and placed it against the top of her chest, the crook of her thumb fitting right beneath her throat. He could feel her breathing and faintly, her heart beating beneath her ribcage. "Maybe this can put it into perspective. Would you be capable of hurting me? I know you _could, _perhaps, it's not like you couldn't just kill me right now if you wanted to. Probably wouldn't finish me off because I wouldn't give you the chance. But _would_ you do it?"

"No-" Remus yanked his hand back, completely appalled.

"Then if you were unable to hurt me, right now, of your own will... after you've transformed, when you lose that will, if you were to hurt me do you _actually_ think I would hold it against you?" She asked.

"I would." He said. "I would hold it against myself, yes."

"Why? You wouldn't hurt me as a human, why would I think that you would intentionally hurt me as a werewolf?"

"I don't care if it's unintentional, do you not understand the fact that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you got hurt? Or killed because of me?" He exclaimed.

"So if the roles were reversed, if _I was the werewolf, you would-"_

"I would think that you were being careless and negligent, yes!" Remus spat at her. "Do you not have any concept of what's going on around you? I have less than nothing to offer you in this relationship and I am a constant threat to your safety and well-being!"

"I _love_ you, and I don't want anything from-" Her voice was forceful. She didn't shout exactly, but it made Remus wonder if she had alerted the members inside as to what was going on. The realization hit him hard enough that he stumbled backwards, his mouth hanging wide open. She seemed to be struck with a similar realization. "Wait, I know how that I sounds, I meant that-that I-" Remus's body grew rigid as he became more impatient. His heart was pounding. "I love you, but not like that... this doesn't have to be serious if you don't want it to be. You know I wouldn't force you into anything, but you keep saying that you _do_ have feelings for me, so what's the truth? Do you want to make this work or not?"

"Of course I want to make this work, Tonks, but I don't see how that could ever be possible." Remus felt his voice giving away.

"I guess the joke's on you because I can see better than you." Tonks blurted out. There was a brief pause before both of them erupted into laughter at their foolishness. "Okay, I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Remus told her softly. "That's the best one I've heard."

"Yeah..." Tonks laughed with embarassment. "Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that like _that, _I meant that-I really worry about you and I care about you and I enjoy being around you, not that-I'm not trying to make this something it isn't, it's something I say to all of the people I care about."

Remus didn't know if he felt good or bad about that. "Right. No no, I know what you meant. There's not really any other good word for it."

"No, there's not..." Her hand found hand and squeezed it. "So... I guess I should take you and Sirius back when you're ready."

"Whenever you want to take us back, I would be perfectly fine with going home. Not that meeting your parents hasn't been absolutely lovely, they're such nice people."

"I'm glad." Tonks giggled. "I'm so glad you had a good time. And I'm sure they'll be happy to have you around any other time you want to come over."

"Maybe we should come back then." Remus nodded.

"You actually... _want_ to?" Her voice became tense.

"I... I think I do."

"So, I guess you're going to keep playing this back and forth, are you?"

"I don't want to."

"Then maybe... maybe we need a compromise. Or a break. Or... we can't just keep ignoring this. You're either in or you're out, but you can't just keep one foot in this relationship." Tonks coaxed. "What can I do to make you feel better? Maybe I back off touching you. We don't have to hold hands or hug or anything until you want to. I'll back off you."

"Maybe I just need to clear my head. Try and get some proper sleep." Remus said. "I need to focus on my work, and do do you. We'll step back for a bit, then we'll talk."

"Okay." Tonks said in a voice that wasn't much more than a whisper. "And we don't have to talk about what I said."

"I knew what you meant."

She was so delicate, so small when she cowered down, curling up against his chest, her hands burying against his sides. Her hair was soft too, and smelled like an all-too-familiar scent. Remus tried to take in all of the small details of her face. Her cheeks were round, and the sides of her face fit comfortably in his hands. He nuzzled the top of her head. Time was moving too quickly around them, the moment slipping away as they both felt they were hanging on for too long, yet neither wanting to be the first to let go.

And that was the first time Remus thought maybe he was in love, too.


	21. Chapter XXI

Three _painful_ weeks had gone by.

"Hang on. Don't move." Sirius's said sternly, his bare feet running across the cellar floor. Remus's mind was so foggy he couldn't tell what was hurting where. All he knew was that there was an intolerable pain in his stomach and shooting up his chest. "Don't move! Please stop, don't move, it doesn't look good."

Remus tried to find his breath, but the feeling that his lungs were collapsing in on themselves was a strong deterrent. His body sunk further and further into the concrete floor as his head began to spin. He was too busy fighting the urge to throw up to put any effort into any sort of thinking. He could barely remember to suck in air and let it back out properly.

"Christ, you look awful-"

"I'm _fine-"_ Remus said instinctively.

"Bloody hell you're not!" Sirius shouted. Sirius was fairly strong, especially next to Remus, but he was lifting him off the ground on pure adrenaline. "You're bleeding out all over the place-" He grunted, sitting him back up. "Hold still, I'm going to get help."

Remus's hand ran down his side, trying to judge where to blood stopped and the wound started. He couldn't quite envision how large it was, only that it was going to leave a nasty jagged scar. His thoughts became distant as the pain worsened, rapidly consuming his mind with nothing but pain. He tried to think of anything but the pain. He replayed the night before in his head

"Oh dear," Molly Weasley murmured. "Sirius, could you go get me a wet cloth? I can't see anything with this mess..." the chaos of everything around here was too many noises to process at once.

Remus frantically tried to conceal himself, but she swiftly moved his arm out of the way to start cleaning up the blood. "I'm sorry." He said, his face burning hot.

Molly scoffed. "Stop it, and let me work before you... go into shock in the bottom of the cellar. I don't think Sirius would be too happy about that." She cleaned up the wound, washing it over with dittany before using some type of serum to seal the wound together. She also applied a tiny amount of ointment she had acquired from Snape that was supposed to deaden the pain for a while. Only when she was amidst taping down a large cotton bandage did Sirius return with a towel, offering to help Remus cover himself up.

"I hate you." Remus mumbled, hoping he was out of earshot as Sirius helped him get dressed into his pajamas with his limited range of motion.

"Hate you more, love." Sirius coyly remarked, helping him up the steps. There was a tired, disembodied voice griping from somewhere within the cellar.

"Was Kretcher watching all of that?" Remus asked, a bit disgusted.

"Nah, don't worry, he didn't see your ass." Sirius teased. "He's not too happy about the mess, but you didn't lose that much blood."

"Did I break anything?"

Sirius shook his head. "You were a nervous wreck last night. I was too. Harry's got me all worried about him. Did the potion work alright?"

"It worked fine, my nerves were just bad, I suppose." Remus shook his head, not wanting to keep talking.

Remus's ears felt like they were full of cotton. His entire head was pounding with pain with each beat of his heart. The potion was seeping into his cut deep enough now that his entire left side was growing numb. He was still unsettled from all of the excitement that happened downstairs. Sirius helped him lay down in bed with the promise he would be back in a few hours to check on him.

He and Tonks hadn't spoken a word in three weeks.

And they were almost _good_ at not speaking. Tonks came across impressively to Remus with her ability to pretend she didn't know anything had ever happened. She could be politely offer him food or a hand with chores, smiling and saying hello when she passed by him with perfect dignity. She felt no shame nor embarassment over anything and she acted like none of it had ever happened. It brought him back to when they first kissed, how she could go about her day and let it all go. Remus didn't quite know if that meant she cared more or less about him.

Remus hadn't been asleep long when his bedroom door opened slowly, creaking loudly. Low light flooded in. "Hey, Remus? You awake?" A weak voice asked. "Hey. Good morning."

"Morning..." Remus grumbled, forcing the words up.

"I brought some breakfast for the others. Coffee, muffins, juice... I don't know if you're up for eating anything." Tonks said. "You had a hard night last night, didn't you?"

"Mmm." Remus squeezed his eyes shut, turning onto his good side so her voice became muffled.

"You took your potion, right?" Weight sunk into the mattress as she sat down.

"I did." Remus said. He tucked his chin into his neck.

"It was still bad." Tonks said disheartened. "I thought it wasn't supposed to be this bad with your potion... I'm so sorry."

He shook his head. "Don't be."

"If you're feeling better later, will you please go eat some food?"

"Mmhmm."

"I guess I should rephrase that as _'when' _you're feeling better later." She gave a little laugh. "Are you hurting?"

Remus shook his head again. "Mmphh, no."

"Molly got you all glued back together, yeah?"

"Mmhmm."

"Do you mind?" Her voice was a little bit softer. She didn't give Remus the chance to protest. Tonks's limbs were wobbly, flailing as she hobbled onto the bed beside him. She sprawled our on top of the covers, carefully wrapping her arm around his middle, very aware of the cotton padding on his side. He tucked up his legs giving her more room closer to him. Her head rested in the middle of his back. They didn't move or say anything else after that.

Remus eventually forgot that he was in pain and rolled over onto his left side to face her. He let out a brief disgruntlement, losing his breath within the sharp stab in his ribs. Tonks clung on to a handful of his shirt, her head resting against his chest. She let him run his fingers through her hair. It was a bit longer today than he expected, and he tried to imagine what colour it was today.

"Are you okay?" She whispered.

"Mm, yeah... I think so." Remus nodded, patting his hand over the gauzy bandage on his middle to assure it was still in its place.

Her head nodded up. "You're burning up."

"No, I'm just a bit more warm natured than most." Remus replied. "Something or another about... my body trying to fight off my _infection. _Doesn't seem to realize it's here for the long run."

"Do you feel sick?"

"No." Remus assured. "I feel fine." He couldn't deny that he liked the cold feel of her hands on his face.

"Do you want to get some sleep?" She asked.

"I don't know if I could." Remus said earnestly.

"Do you have dreams?" Tonks wondered, resting her head a bit more comfortably on his chest.

"Of course I do." He replied. He felt sick thinking of his nightmares.

"What do you dream about?"

"A lot of things." Remus sighed.

"Like what?" Her voice pestered.

"Like... I dream about seeing my mother sometimes. She died several years ago. And I dream about getting to see Sirius. Sometimes I think I see you."

"Would you be disappointed if you got to seee in real life?"

"I worry about that a lot." Remus confessed, stroking her hair.

"If you could have your eyes back for a day," Tonks asked. "what would you want to see?"

Remus had to ponder the question. "Do I get to choose which day I get to see?"

"Say you just wake up one morning and you have eyes for that entire day."

"I would... I would look for my old photographs. I would want to see James and Lily... Peter, to some extent I think. I would want to see photos of my parents-" He realized he was repeating himself. "I would want to see the ocean again. I can't quite picture it in my mind anymore. Just an endlessness of water reaching the horizon. I don't remember what it looks like. I think I would want to see the sunset. Be able to see the stars again... But I would want to be out in the middle of nowhere where there weren't any lights."

"Would you want to see me?"

"I don't suppose Sirius would be the one carrying me all over the place on my day with eyes, would he?" He said hopefully.

She squeezed him, forgetting that he was still hurt. "I'm sorry-"

"I'm fine, Dora." He insisted.

She caught him off guard, stretching up to kiss him. Her skin felt tight and dry, her kiss not being as inviting as usual. It was still electrifying to him. He felt a new sense of wakefulness throughout his entire body that made him want more of her. Her body pulled back slightly, and Remus had no idea what to think. He tried to figure out her expression, but her mind felt a million miles away from his. "What was that for?" He demanded in a voice that was a bit too rough.

"I'm... sorry." Tonks murmured. "I forgot. The break."

"Don't be..." Remus took a laboured breath. "But you shouldn't have done that." He had a surge of false confidence in his ability to pass off a lie like that.

"You're a bad liar, did you know that?" Tonks was quick to point out. "You think you don't have any left in your face but you forget that you still move your eyes." Her thumb dragged across his brow. She let out a little laugh. "Sometimes I think you forget you have any expression at all."

"But I'm right." He stood his ground.

"Yeah." She sighed. "But you're a liar. Lying to yourself at least."

"I don't understand you, Nymphadora." Remus said, taking the opportunity to use her first name as a pressure point. "I can't read you at all. When this whole mess started, you could just go about your day as if nothing had changed between us, and you're doing it now. How do you do it?"

"Why does it bother you?" Tonks muttered softly.

"I don't know."

She kissed him again. "Does it make you angry?"

"Are you trying to make me angry?"

Her lips upturned. "You've got to learn to get over yourself."

"You-" He didn't have any words left for her. He didn't even feel that upset at her, but he wanted to find a reason to. It get slightly more justified to be angry at her than to let her carry on the way she was. "You're irritating."

"Okay." Tonks said. "Then I'm going to sleep."

"Fine."

"Fine!" She exclaimed. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight then!" Remus shot back. She rolled over onto her back, but she didn't stay that way long, rolling back to curl up against his chest.

xxxxx

"Remus? Remus, hey, wake up, _please-"_ Tonks's voice was urgent.

"What? What's wrong?" Remus said. He tried to sit up but was shot down with pain, sending his head spinning. Every movement caused him a new fluctuation of pain and all he could do was try and apply pressure to the spot. He felt down the front of his shirt. The two of them had managed to become stuck together with something cold and wet. "Is this blood?" He quickly answered his own question when he touched the bandage and it was soaked through. He couldn't quite tell, but it felt pretty bad, and she would have had a large bloodstain on herself.

"Please stay still, I'll go find Molly-" Tonks insisted, ripping herself away from him, bounding off of the bed and running to the hallway. The door flew open and light came in the room.

"TONKS!" A man loudly exclaimed with shock.

"It's not _my_ blood!" She said defensively. Then they began taking quieter. Rushed footsteps came back to the bedroom.

"Molly's not here, she's gone out to run errands." Arthur's voice said. "What happened? Why are you bleeding?"

"It's... it's from last night." Remus panted. He rolled onto his back, pulling up his shirt. The wound was searing with pain. "The skin must have just been broken, I don't know, I didn't realize... it was bleeding."

"Hold still, Tonks, can you help him get his shirt off? I'll go get the bandages." Arthur said, hurrying back out the door.

Tonks didn't wait for Remus to help her and started yanking it off of him. Her hands were shaking. "It's okay, you're okay." She repeated to him. She didn't really know what to do with herself and opted to standing over him, letting him grip onto her hand. Remus felt he might hurt her, but every time he inhaled, there was a new, overwhelming surge of pain. "Everything's going to be fine."

"It just looks like a lot." Remus reminded her. "It isn't a lot."

"I know." She said shakily.

"What's going on? Remus?" Sirius's voice said. "Tonks, that's not your blood, is it?"

"His wound came undone." Tonks explained.

"Where's Mo-"

"She's gone! Arthur's going to help me get him cleaned up..." Now she sounded like she was crying. His suspicions were confirmed when he felt wet droplets fell onto him.

"You can't hold him down." Sirius said. "The dittany's going to hurt worse before it feels better."

"Please calm down, both of you." Remus said, he closed his eyes, trying to hide his face behind his hand. "Please stop crying."

"I know, I-"

"He's going to be okay, Tonks, it looks worse than it is." Sirius said calmly. "You can hold onto his hand, but you know that potion's going to really make him hurt. If you need to step out-"

"I know what I'm doing." She said firmly. She sat at the head of the bed, continuing to hold his hand.

"Stop suffocating him, you two." Arthur sighed. He was forceful pulling up the gauze, but it had been put very well in place. There wasn't much relief in the cool cloth Arthur was wiping the blood away with. Just as Sirius claimed, the dittany only made his insides feel worse, like his entire torso was being set on fire and he needed someone to keep him from straining himself. Remus tried to focus on something, anything, but his mind was bouncing around the room. The growing feeling that hot coals were resting inside of him, the sound he suspected to be Tonks's sniffles, Sirius's pacing...

"Tonks, I'm okay, I promise." Remus huffed painfully and Arthur resecured a new bandage.

"I know, I know," she insisted. Her voice nearly sounded hysterical.

"I'm... it's not that bad." He lied.

Her lips were cool on his sweaty forehead. "I know." Her voice broke. "I hate seeing you hurt-"

"I'm better." Remus took deep, restricted breaths. Arthur has been a bit more right about keeping down the gauze. "You can step out. It was just some blood. I'm alive. The pain's... it feels like it's already fading."

"I'm so sorry." Tonks whispered right next to his ear. Her eyes were still watering with tears. "I'm sorry. I..."

"I'm better now, do you hear me?" Remus persisted. "You didn't hurt me."

"I know... I..." She couldn't quite manage what she wanted to say.


	22. Chapter XXII

Remus awoke to his bedroom door shutting. He wasn't fully aware of what was going on, and it took him a moment to lift his head up. "Tonks?" No response. The bed was completely empty as well. After their incident earlier that morning, they changed their clothes and the bedsheets and Tonks insisted on staying beside him. She was less physical that she was before, but she laid beside him to keep watch over him. Footsteps were making their way downstairs.

Remus slowly helped himself up, dug around his dresser for a pair of socks and something to pull over his shirt. Outside of the covers felt absurdly cold. He had memorized the pattern down the steps that made the least amount of noise. Mostly, it was just staying close to the wall where it squeaked less. The grandfather clock startled him, chiming to indicate that it was three o'clock in the afternoon, yet the house was so dark, it felt as if it was night time. Remus was trying to recall whether it was Saturday or Sunday, but he heard voice talking within the kitchen. He stopped, hidden behind the wall, and not quite all the way down the steps.

"How is he doing?" Sirius's voice asked.

"He's still asleep for now, so I left him alone." Tonks slid out a chair to sit in.

"He's usually out of it for a couple of days around this time of the month." Sirius remarked. "He doesn't sleep well before the moon so he needs time to catch up."

"Even with his potion? This is still normal?" Sirius didn't say anything. "And I'm guessing it's not going to be getting any better any time soon either." She let out a deep breath.

"Are you feeling well, Tonks?" A softer voice asked. Molly had finally come back. It was probably very concerning to find bloody sheets and clothes in the laundry. "You're not still dizzy, or-"

"Yeah! Yeah, no, I'm great. All good."

"You got _really _weird when you saw blood, I thought you were going to faint or something."

"I don't _faint_ at blood, Sirius, I'm an auror."

"So what's the story with all of this?" Molly asked. "Remus is fine, correct? He just bled through the bandage? Nothing else happened."

"Pretty much, yeah." Tonks took a deep breath. "It was just a lot of blood."

"And you were with him." Arthur remarked.

Molly said something incomprehensible, and then something like the sound of newspaper hitting something or someone. "It's fine, Molly, I understand." Tonks quickly reassured.

"No, you don't understand." Molly interjected. "Arthur, leave her alone, will you? You know it wasn't her fault."

"That is not what I meant, what I said was-"

"It's fine, really." Tonks said over both of them. "We both got the message." Molly inhaled through her nose sharply. "Molly, Remus and I are just friends now and-"

Sirius let out a snort.

"Sirius-"

"What?" He said defensively. "God, it's even disgusting to be around them!"

"Sirius-"

"What I'm trying to say is that I see them together every day and the past, what, since you stopped talking to him... all he's been moping around the house, he's completely bummed out about you."

"Are you saying that Remus getting hurt was my fault?" Tonks demanded angrily. "That he tried to hurt himself over me?" Remus realized she sounded more like she was angry at herself over it.

"No!" Sirius was on the defensive. "He absolutely didn't get hurt over you! What I'm saying is you two are bloody idiots who don't know what to do, so you stop talking to each other for no damn reason and now you both look like shit! You've got... bags all around your eyes now. All you ever do is go to work and go to bed. You never move at all or do anything anymore, and you think that it's not obvious?"

"Sirius, please, just stop." Tonks pleaded. "You have no idea how stressed I am right now with work, and I don't expect your sympathy, but you could at least be the tiniest bit compassionate. This has nothing to do with Remus, we said it wasn't going to work out, and I'm just tired it all-"

"Maybe work wouldn't be so stressful if you stopped trying to push people out of your life!" Sirius nagged.

"I'm not pushing anyone! So why don't _you_ go have this talk with _him!_" Tonks exclaimed. "This isn't my fault. Remus has got this wild idea going on with him, like he thinks he can't even look in my direction without putting me in physical harm or whatever. I get that. He's been through a lot and he wants us to take a break. That's all."

Remus crossed his arms in frustration. Was she really going to sit in front of everyone and make them take sides with her and her immaturity? He wanted to step out then to defend himself from her over-simplification of the entire situation. How _complicated_ was it for her to grasp that all he wanted was to protect her? That quite frankly, all it took was one slip up to ruin her life just as quickly as his own had been ruined?

Molly cut in. "Dear, he's really not been himself since the accident, and I'm sure he's got a lot on his mind-"

"I know that, I understand-"

"Let me finish," Molly said sternly. "Arthur, you know that you shouldn't have gotten yourself involved with this to begin with. Secondly, Tonks, I know that you have patience, and I know that it can be hard to use it, but Remus needs support from all of us right now and escalating this was not what we were meant to do."

The room fell silent. "All I meant was to keep the both of you focused, that's all," Arthur finally spoke up. "I apologize if I was the one to create all of this conflict, Tonks."

"I wish people would stop talking behind my back is all." She grumbled. Remus felt he quite agreed with that statement.

"Good," Molly said in a more positive voice. "Then perhaps we can settle this right now and drop it all together, shall we? I don't want to hear any more about this. This was never meant to be public business to begin with."

They all sat quietly, but Remus stood very still.

"Tonks..." Sirius said with a bit of a struggle. "I know that I can't speak for Remus himself, and I can't tell you it myself, but you do know that he's..." he trailed off into something else incomprehensible.

"Don't-" Tonks started.

"I'm his _best friend_ and I've never seen him act like this before-" Sirius said quietly.

"Sirius, we're minding our own business, aren't we?" Molly said in a motherly voice.

"Yes, Molly," Sirius scoffed. He said something else very quietly to Tonks.

Remus had the urge to keep listening in on them until his foot slipped and he stumbled down, missing the last step. He made such a noise he knew he couldn't have _not_ been detected, so he opted to feigning exhaustion.

"You alright?" Sirius's asked casually, looking out into the hallway where Remus was. Tonks scoffed.

"Hmm?" Remus pretended to yawn. "I'm good."

"Are you hungry? Tonks brought food, and there's some leftover from lunch." Molly insisted.

Remus shook his head. He was starving, but he had no interest in eating all by himself, surrounded by people watching him. "Is everyone gone off to work?" He asked, pretending to not know what day it was.

"Arthur and Tonks are here, love." Molly said. "Are you sure you're not hungry?"

"I'm feeling a bit sick right now, but thank you." Remus awkwardly maneuvered, looking for an empty chair, his hand brushing against the back of Tonks's head on accident.

"Oh, I got the blood out of your things as well." She said. "Soaked them for a couple of hours and it came right out."

"Thank you. So it wasn't so bad then, was it?"

"I would eat something before you become any more ill. You likely lost enough that you're feeling lightheaded." Molly chided.

"I'll eat something then. I promise." Remus tried to smile convincingly. His stomach was still somersaulting after his bout of eavesdropping.

"Good." She replied, satisfied.

Tonks's hand rubbed his shoulder. "Did you at least get some decent sleep?" She mumbled.

"Yes, I'm feeling much better now, actually." He replied awkwardly. He was trying his best not to think about the things he wasn't meant to hear.

"I can get you something for the pain if you need it." She offered. Again, Remus tried his hardest not to read too much into her voice, to think that she was flirting, but it worried him that she was. However, part of her did sound genuinely concerned about him.

"No, I'm okay, really," Remus said quickly. "Did I scare you?"

"You? What? No, no, what are you talking about?"

"I... well I'm sure I looked pretty bad and you sounded frightened when you saw blood."

"Remus, I'm not afraid of blood. I'm not afraid of things like that." She said defensively.

"Are you okay now then?"

"Of course I am." Her voice said proudly. "Now, do I need to feed you your breakfast, or do you think you can manage it on your own?" Tonks said in playfully stern voice.

Remus took a deep breath and let out the biggest sigh he could. "I'll... I _suppose_ I'll get up and fix it myself." Tonks let out a giggle. Remus slowly helped himself.

"I was joking, but seriously, can you get it yourself?"

"Oh stop hovering, Tonks!" Remus said, making his way in the general direction towards the oven. He went for the cupboard first for an empty plate.

"Are you sure...?" She asked

Someone had stacked bowls on top of them in an unusual fashion and Remus managed to catch an armful of them as they came clattering from above along with the plate he was looking for. "I've got it!"

"No you don't." Sirius said plainly. "No, no, Tonks- leave him alone. If he wants to flounder around like an idiot, you've got to let him."

"Hey!" Remus began saying something, but could only continue to try and readjust the bowls back to their initial place. "I'm not- I'm not an idiot."

Another set of hands came and took the dish ware away from him. "I don't need you coming undone again." Molly said sternly.

"I'm not going to-" Remus nodded. "Thank you, Molly." Molly hurriedly insisted on fixing him a plate of food despite his efforts to stop her.

"You look like you haven't eaten in days." Sirius teased.

"I'm not allowed to be hungry?" Remus shot back. "Sorry, being a werewolf happens to burn a lot of calories."

"That explains why you're so thin." Tonks amusingly jabbed him in the ribs with her finger. She sort of nudged him, leaning up against his good side.

"Speaking of being a werewolf," Arthur added in. "I have letters from some that need decoding."

"Letters from werewolves?" Remus abandoned his fork full of scrambled eggs. "What werewolves? Who are you in contact with?"

"They're not apart of Greyback's pack," Arthur reassured. "They're out there like you. The man you met up with was the one who collected their names."

"Why? Why do we need to contact them?" Sirius asked.

"If they aren't on our side, there's every possibility that with the Ministry's new regulations on werewolves, they decide to become militant."

"I thought _we_ were militant." Tonks said dryly. "And why... exactly are we assuming that's any and every werewolf out there is trying to join Greyback's pack?"

"He has a point, Tonks." Remus brought up. "People become desperate and they... they can do desperate things to cope with it. Besides, we know from when I was spying before that Greyback is already recruiting. We need to counter him."

Tonks let out a barely noticeable sigh. Arthur was shuffling around with some pieces of parchment. "He poked little holes in the paper that you can read. I'll write down the names he's given us."

Remus was immediately overwhelmed. He ran his hand down the page in shock. "How many names are here?" He asked.

"I was hoping you could tell me." Arthur sat at his other side.

"And what do we do with these names?" Sirius wondered. "Call them all up like, 'hello, my name is Sirius Black, mass murderer here, do you have a moment to chat so that we can ensure you don't decide to become feral? Thanks!'"

"We're not running for political office, Sirius." Remus said. "Tonks, could you go grab my copy of the book so I can translate?" Her chair slid out and she went stumbling up the stairs to the drawing room. "We're going to watch them, aren't we?"

"They're all Ministry workers, yes." Arthur agreed.

"So we keep an eye on them and try to talk them down when they start acting rash. Or if we see them fighting against Greyback, we take that chance to bring them over to our side." Remus explained. "Have you got a quill?"

"I'm ready when you are." Arthur announced.

Remus was a bit embarrassed when he almost couldn't read the first name. "T... I... L... F-wait, no, hang on... D... A. Last name, F-R... N...C...I-S. Tilda Francis ring any bells?"

"I believe I know her sister." Molly chimed in. "Yes, that sound about right. Her sister and I went to school together.

Remus read out loud all of the names, and there were twenty-two on the list. Of the twenty-two, several were familiar, like James Avon who worked in the auror's mailroom, so Tonks was familiar with his name. Ronald B. Maloney and Walter Cramer were both janitors. Remus thought he knew one to be an assistant at Flourish and Blott's, and another who he had seen when he worked for the Prophet. Then, at the bottom, there was an address.

"Does anyone recognize that?" Remus asked.

"I'll have to look it up." Arthur said. "But I'm wondering if it's a safe house. I didn't know anything about an address. Or worse, a hideout for Greyback."


	23. Chapter XXIII

Remus liked listening to the sound of the rain. He liked the way the windows felt when they were cold with condensation. He liked to imagine what the outside looked like in monochrome grey. The drab weather was likely the easiest thing for him to relate with, due to its flexibility. He couldn't imagine all of the colourful flowers as well as he could before, or imagine what the changing leaves looked like, but he could imagine what the bland concrete world below looked like. He didn't feel like he missed the sunshine as much when he couldn't see it. He had been sitting and thinking for a long time, and eventually the rain slowly transitioned from pouring to sputtering out to a stop.

"You want a pillow?" A voice asked. Remus didn't turn his head. He had been sitting on the drawing room floor near the base of the window rather than standing. "The floor doesn't look very comfortable."

"What time is it?" Remus asked, startled by her approach.

"Almost six o'clock." Tonks replied, her footsteps stopping in front of him. She had heavy boots strapped onto her feet today.

He thought it was much earlier than that. "Do you know what day it is?" He wondered.

"November nineteenth." She informed him. Again, he had thought it was much earlier than that. "Should I let you go?"

"You can stay if you'd like." Remus said.

"You don't seem up for conversation." He shrugged. "Do you feel like doing anything tonight?"

"Isn't the sun going to be down soon?" Remus asked.

"We can still go walk down to the park." Tonks said happily. "Come on, why don't you feel like doing something? Are you ill?"

"No," Remus put on false encouragement. "I'm feeling fine."

"Then let's go." She was a bit vehement, helping Remus up.

"Right now?"

"Yes, of course." Tonks said. "Molly and Arthur are still back at the Burrow, and I don't think anyone else is around except Sirius. I don't want to be alone tonight."

Remus tried to think how long it had been since their break, or even since their last conversation. Had it only been a month ago? Everything that had happened to them, everything that had gone on between them felt like a fever dream. Had it ever even happened? Was she even real anymore? He tried to think back to the conversation he wasn't meant to hear, that perhaps she was just in as big of a hole as he was in.

Come to think of it, he didn't quite remember the last month the way it had happened. He remembered waking up early in the morning to Sirius feeding Buckbeak and then proceeding down to the kitchen and eating primarily bowls of dry cereal because they didn't have any milk. He remembered not making his bed because he knew he would just go back to sleep soon enough. Sometimes he would remember to shower and change his pajamas, picking up socks and other bits of clothes off the floor and putting them in a basket to be washed. Sometimes Arthur would come in and ask him to read aloud a new name of someone who had recently been bitten or recently died from a werewolf related injury. On occasion, he had to deliver a brief coded letter to the mysterious man. The whole situation seemed to big for him, too far out of his control. All Remus ever was now was a pawn, a middle man who was meant to live with content and blissful ignorance. Whenever he had to read a new name, all he could do was go back to sleep. He couldn't help them. He couldn't help anyone. Sometimes if a name was particularly familiar, he simply mixed up a concoction of water and a sleeping potion to make him fall asleep faster. He could pretend more easily that he forgot the name, or made up hearing it while he was out of it.

"Tonks, are you _okay?"_ Remus wondered. Standing up, he had a good amount of height difference over her. Her shoulders turned, indicating that she no longer particularly wanted to be apart of this conversation or that she was really going to make him hurry out the door. Remus swiftly grabbed the side of her arm. "Wait-"

_"What?"_ She snapped at him. She paused, took a deep breath, and tried again. "What?"

"You're acting peculiar." Remus repeated.

"Why are you asking?"

"You just seem like you're running away from something, that's all." Remus shook his head. "You seem... you're really stressed."

"We lost three aurors this morning." Her voice choked. "We lost three aurors this morning, and I'm sorry that I can't just sit here and stare at the same four walls all night. I can't just sit here."

He quickly caught on. "Help me get my coat and we'll go." They didn't say another word as they headed downstairs. Tonks sort of lead him behind her, holding onto his arm, but only to keep him from slowing her down. She helped him into his coat and wrapped a scarf a little bit too tightly around his neck. "You want a hat?"

Remus shook his head and loosened the scarf around his neck. "I'll be okay."

"Ah- Wait a second." Tonks said, stopping in her tracks. "Remus..."

"Yes?" He said quickly. "I thought we were in a hurry."

"You aren't wearing shoes." She said bluntly. Remus curled his toes with the realization he had run down the steps in socked feet. "Wait here, I'll go run up to your room."

Tonks eventually returned with a pair of shoes and Remus quickly threw them on as he was stumbling out the front door. They began walking, and though Remus didn't want to nag her, he knew he needed to remind her that he needed to hold onto her. Fortunately, his anxiety over breaking her personal boundaries was dissolved when she grabbed him by the elbow, furiously clinging onto him.

The cold November air was filled with a fine mist, occasionally sending out painfully brisk bouts of wind. They didn't need an umbrella right now. Remus counted his steps to distract him. They were walking fast, so he wasn't sure if they would reach the park in fewer steps or not. And they didn't talk either. Suddenly, Remus began to worry that they may or may not be going somewhere else entirely.

"Thank you." Remus caught himself mumbling.

"What?" Tonks said, not listening. She couldn't have heard him anyways over the traffic and the busy sidewalk.

"Thank you for bringing me out here." Remus said louder. "This was very kind of you to do."

Her shoulders shrugged. "You're the only thing keeping me from losing it right now, so thanks for that too. No pressure or anything."

There was a a knot of guilt growing inside of his stomach. "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll... try and do my best to keep you occupied then. Not that I don't want to be around you anyways-"

"No, no, I wouldn't hold that against you, and not that I don't want to be around you otherwise-"

They both stopped, realizing they were rambling on about absolutely nothing.

"Maybe we should talk about something." Remus suggested. "It'll help get your mind off of things."

"What do you want to talk about?"

Remus tried to come up with a safe topic. "How are your parents?"

Tonks sighed. "They're good. They're annoying, though, demanding I come over tonight and see them."

"Oh come on, Tonks, they're your parents." Remus said lightly. "They won't be alive forever." He reminded.

"I know. But I already told them I had plans." She remarked. "I told them I'd be over tomorrow or something..."

"Well if you don't plan on going, I may as well go for you. I'm sure your mother likes me well enough." He joked, though he believed quite the opposite in reality.

"Maybe I'll take you back there some time. You know, if you actually want to." Tonks offered.

"I wouldn't want to be intrusive." Remus said more seriously.

"They _do_ like you, Remus. My dad thinks you're very charming, and my mum won't stopping asking about your well-being and all." She chuckled. "Anyways... have you had any work for the Order?"

Remus shook his head. He knew their conversation would get lost in the crowd anyways, but he didn't want to talk about that now. "Just... the usual stuff. Reading letters."

"Yeah?" She didn't pretend to be interested. "Um... let's cross the road here, yeah?"

They quickly ducked across the street and continued down the sidewalk a ways. The street winded around a corner, the sidewalk changing from concrete to brick. They were getting close. They didn't try again at any conversation, and Tonks was still very set on where she was taking him. They entered the park and she led him far down the path, away from prying ears of passerby's on their way home from work.

"Here, hang on, don't sit down. I have a jacket in my bag. You'll sit in a puddle." Tonks said quickly. The metal bench was still covered in rain water, but at least they weren't completely wet when they sat down.

Tonks still seemed overly distant compared to the usual. Remus kept wondering how serious Sirius had been when he mentioned her tiredness in passing.

"I'm so sorry to hear about what happened at work today." Remus finally spoke up. "You don't have to talk about it, but I want you to know that you're reacting in a perfectly reasonable way. You don't have to handle this all at once."

"One of them was a junior auror, only a few months behind me." Tonks burst into shaking sobs. "One of them, his name was Augustus or something like that, he was a senior auror, but he was always so nice to me. He would let me sit next to him when we had to go out to lunch as a group and he would make me laugh. And the other one... She wasn't really one of the nicest people I ever knew, but she has two little boys at home and... and they're going to have to be raised by her mum, and they're all probably just now being told that she's never going to come home again."

Remus was speechless. Her body curled up instinctively in pain and he wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her body hard. The comforting restraint slowly brought her down from her tears, though she stuttered and faltered many times, breaking out into more tears, over and over again. Remus could feel his shirt getting wet with tears from the spot where her head rested.

"I'm know-" She blurted out between waves of her grief. "I know what I'm supposed to say, that it wasn't my fault-"

"It _wasn't_ your fault. It doesn't sound like it at least. Did you talk to a healer afterwards? What was the verdict?"

She shook her head. "It was just... it was just a regular attack. We had to go stop them, and arrest them..." Her tears came out again.

"You're doing perfectly fine." Remus coaxed. "You're supposed to cry. You're supposed to be feeling whatever you're feeling and you don't need to feel sorry about it."

"You sound like you're reading one of those self-help books." Her muffled voice moaned.

"Yeah, I've sort of had to read a lot of those before." Remus sighed. "I am so sorry, Tonks. I want to help you so badly, but I have no idea what to say or do."

Tonks slowly built up her courage to steady herself, wiggling herself loose from Remus's arms, but she still laid her head against his shoulder. He tried his hardest to be as still as possible. "It's okay. You're so kind to me. I really... I think I owe you one at this point for putting up with me."

"Putting up with _you?" _Remus asked, half-kidding. "You're absolutely wonderful to be around."

"Even when I'm crying?" She let out a bitter laugh.

"You're an absolutely lovely person, Tonks. I've told you this before." Remus reassured, stroking her hair. It was shocking to touch today, so short that it was almost a buzz cut, but he liked it just the same. "Did you go into a disguise today?" He wondered with fascination.

"No, but I did sort of shave my head. I'll probably morph it so the others can't see until it grows back out again." Tonks sniffled.

"Sort of?" He laughed, carefully running his hand across the top of her head. She nudged him. "I like it, Tonks."

"No you don't." Her voice spat, completely separating herself from him. "You're just being nice like always."

"No, really, I like it. I always like your hair." Remus told her. "But why did you get rid of your natural hair?"

Tonks took her time composing herself. "It's a long story. I've been seeing this guy for a short period, he saw me at work and asked me out a couple of times, and he um... he made this joke about me one night at dinner... about my morphing, and I did the only thing I could think to do to make him go away and not owl me again."

His heart began to sink down, his whole body growing cold and stiff. She was moving on, in less than a month, while he was back at Grimmauld to do absolutely nothing but sulk. "He sounds like a jerk." Remus blurted out. "I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have said that. I really wish you had had better luck with him."

"No, he was an absolute creep." Tonks shook her head. "It needed to be cut anyways, just... probably not this short. I'm regretting it already." He tried to ponder this mysterious man, imagining up a strapping young man working for the Ministry. Part of him wanted to imagine the man as smug, rude, and smirking, a small part of him feeling a tiny bit of relief that it didn't work out, but he quickly overshadowed that thought with guilt. But Remus did truly feel bad for her that it didn't work out. "He seemed really nice at first too, you know? And no offense or anything, but you might be one of about two men I know that haven't met me and _immediately_ asked about how I can morph in the bedroom, and the other one is my dad."

"I'm sorry." Remus said.

"Why are you apologizing?" She exclaimed. _"You_ are not the problem! I just told you."

Remus opened his mouth to say something again, but quickly stopped himself. "I really do like it. I mean, I don't think you could wear your own hair badly."

"At least you're don't have to look at it." She scoffed. "I think I might use a potion to grow it out a bit, just so it doesn't look _too_ bad."

"Don't worry too much about it, alright?" Remus reached over and squeezed her hand. Tonks didn't say anything for a while, but she still let Remus hold onto her.

"Are you hungry?" She asked quietly, tilting her head back.

"A little bit, do you want to head back to Grimmauld?" Remus said.

"I was thinking... do you want to go somewhere?" Tonks offered.

"You don't have to pay for my food, Tonks."

"I know." She announced. "But I want to. I'll be honest, I don't really want real food right now, but I'm _starving. _I haven't eaten since breakfast."

"We could walk around the block." Remus suggested. "I don't know the layout that well, but I'm sure we could find something to eat somewhere."

Remus didn't quite know they layout very well, but they eventually got up and started walking. He tried to memorized where they were crossing the street at and how far they were walking, but all he knew was that they were getting further and further from Grimmauld. He didn't want to mention the obvious that it was getting darker sooner. The sky was darker than the insides of buildings and the street lamps. They knew they might not make it back before dusk.

Then the rain came. It was so sudden that in the time it took Remus to process the sound, they were both already getting soaked. "We should stop until the rain slows down!" He persisted.

"Lets go in here then." She helped lead him into a store, and the smell was familiar, but he didn't quite know where she had taken him.

"Um, I'm not exactly positive, but I don't think pastries count as dinner." He spoke up.

Her voice gave away to her smug expression. Remus rolled his eyes. "I've had a long day. So I'm getting a piece of cake, and you can have some too if you want. And if _you_ want to go walk out in the rain, I'm not going to stop you."

Following her promise, they both agreed on splitting a slice of cheesecake. Remus said that at least it had strawberries on it, and those had _some_ nutritional value. Given his diet the past month, something was better than nothing at this point. It was surprisingly crowded due to the rain, so they didn't have anywhere to sit, hiding against the wall out of the way. They were quickly hidden, drowned out by the mass of people fleeing the cold.

"Here, open your mouth."She said.

"What?" He let her feed him a bite of cheesecake. "Hmm. Thank you. Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"You cut your natural hair, right? Not the hair that you change and shape?"

"Mmhm. Why?"

"What colour is it?" He wondered.

"Brown." She said, disappointed. "Why, were you expecting me to be a blonde?"

"No, I just wondered."

"It should be back to normal in a few days, longer, pinker, the works."

"Does it happen to turn blue when you're sad?"

"No. Just brown. Why?"

"I just thought that would be ironic."

They had already been standing in close proximity to each other, but Remus became acutely aware that she had inches closer to him. "I'm sorry that I told you that I loved you." Tonks said. "I still think about it everyday. I still feel like shit for saying that. And I'm sorry for crossing that boundary."

"Tonks..." He set down his fork on the box she was holding, reaching over to stroke her cheek. "You are still one the most wonderful people I've met to this day. I couldn't be mad at you over... something silly like that." There he went, he thought, getting all sentimental over her. He had gone so long without speaking to her that now he was ready to fall head over heels all over again, and just in the same stupid manner.

"I just wanted you to know that I still feel bad. I shouldn't have said something that could have made you feel uncomfortable."

"It was one of the best things anyone's said to me in ages." Remus replied. "And..." His voice stopped.

"And?" Her voice grew a bit desperate.

"And... I don't know if I'm... Dora, I'm scared." He confessed. "I don't want you to end up like me."

"I know that this is scary, but... can't you trust me that everything's going to be okay?"

"I can't afford to. What about _your_ eyes, Tonks? What if you couldn't see at all?" Remus told her. "What if something _did_ happen? How would I live with myself if it did?"

She shook her head. "Forget it."

He quickly cut her off. "That doesn't mean that I don't... that I don't necessarily... have the same feelings for you. Just... that they have to manifest differently for me. It doesn't mean that I care about you any less or any different than you-"

"It means worlds of difference when you're afraid of me." Her voice grumbled. "Here, do you want the last bite of this?"

"You can have it." Remus told her. "Just because we can't make this work, doesn't mean that I don't feel anything. Are you listening to me?"

"Yeah, I heard you." Remus abruptly leaned over and pressed his lips against hers. She let him at first, cutting him off when she winced, whimpering. "Stop it. You're being absolutely absurd. You either get to kiss me or you don't, but you're not allowed to pick and choose which parts of me you get to like and which parts you get to throw out. You don't get to play with my feelings like this."

"That's not what I meant." Remus said with annoyance. "I didn't meant to start this all over again, and I'm sorry. I just... I miss you, Dora."

"I miss you too, Remus." Tonks muttered. "A lot."

"Maybe... maybe in another life, we could've make things work properly." He said somberly. She nodded in agreement. "Can I still call you Dora? Or would you prefer Tonks now?"

"Please call me Dora. I want you to."

"Dora it is then." Remus gave her a second kiss on the cheek. "Maybe we should go home now then."

"I'll take you back then if you're ready." The rain was still pretty bad when they decided to head home. Tonks claimed she could see the sidewalk well enough to get them there, but they were still chilled to the bone when they got there. Their fingers were still intertwined as they walked home, both afraid of leaving the other. The portrait screeched as soon as they got in, until Kretcher went and soothe her.

"You're wet." Sirius's voice said in shock. "You're soaked! You _left?_ Where were you two? God, I thought maybe you had both just passed out upstairs or something! Tonks, what the hell did you do to your hair?"

"I wanted to wear it short." She said firmly.

"Well you sure hit the nail on the head with that one, love." Sirius scoffed. "Get in here, please, and dry off before you get hypothermia."

Tonks was taking off her scarf and coat, and Remus followed suit, following her to the fireplace. When he was least expecting it, Tonks pushed herself up onto her toes and kissed the side of his neck, her arm lingering around his waist. In turn, Remus went and put his own arm around her shoulders. "I'm glad I got to see you tonight." She said quietly.

"Me too." Remus agreed.

Sirius seemed to be silently lurking behind them, eyeing their movements suspiciously. "Right... and where did you two go exactly?"

"The usual." Tonks shrugged.

"Of course." Sirius said dryly. His eyes were still glaring into the back of Remus's head. "...well I was on my way out anyways. I suppose you can tell me all about it in the morning."

"Goodnight!" Tonks called after him.

"Night, you two!" He shouted back. "Oh, and happy birthday, Tonks!"

Remus turned to Tonks knowingly. "You didn't-"

"I didn't want you to know." She butted in. "But I got to see you on my birthday and that's all I wanted."

"I would've gotten you something-"

"I don't want anything." Tonks reassured, squeezing his hand. "I wanted to see you. That's all."


	24. Chapter XXIV

Contrary to the rain, Remus hated the snow.

It wasn't very long before it become dangerous ice on the ground. The cold air was setting his lungs on fire, burning up his nostrils, slowing numbing his ears and face. There wasn't anything elegant or serene about constantly having his nose constantly sniffle or furiously shivering beneath his coat. It was just bitterly cold everywhere he went. He had to steal another blanket from Sirius because even his bedroom was intolerably cold.

Tonight wasn't a regular meeting. Arthur had been attacked at the Ministry and was just recently allowed to come back to Grimmauld. The kids were home. They were finally getting to have a small celebration. Sirius had finally unlocked the wine cabinet and was scouring it.

"Happy Christmas!" Tonks exclaimed as she came through the door, throwing her arms around Remus's neck.

"He's Jewish." Sirius pointed out.

"I don't think I've had any sort of proper holiday in years, so I think Christmas is okay." Remus murmured, burying his face in her neck. She had chin length curls, part of them pulled on top of her head with an elastic tie.

"Oops." She grumbled. "Sorry."

"Stop it." Remus shook his head, running his fingers through her hair. "I like you're hair, by the way."

"Thanks! I wanted to be festive." Tonks giggled.

"What colour is it?"

"Red. _Bright_ red." Her voice said enthusiastically. "And I made the ends green." Her fingers rustled her curls. "How _are_ you?"

"I'm good! Great, thanks." Remus chuckled. Her energy was immediately contagious. "How's work?"

"Oh, it's... exactly how it always is." Her voice was elusive. "You know how it is."

"Of course." Remus nodded, trying to keep from bringing it up and upsetting her. She must have been stressed beyond belief, but she deserved to be cheerful tonight. She had to be one of the ones to find Arthur's body, dead or alive, and stay with him in an area in a life-threatening situation until help arrived. It was a hard night on everyone. All Remus could do that night was sit with the Weasley children and wait for news to trickle back to headquarters.

"I got you something." Tonks told him. "It's just to, you know, help you out a bit, but you've got to let me explain it first."

Remus was very hesitant. "Oh... kay..."

"It's a watch." Her voice said plainly.

"I'm sorry, a watch?" He was suddenly very miffed.

"Yes, okay, so I found it when I was out at an antique store. They were selling it because it was broken, here, you can hold it. The face got busted and fell out. And it didn't have a battery." He opened up his hand to her and with two hands, she placed what felt like a regular leather watch. "So I asked if that was all that was wrong with it, and they said yes. So I went ahead and bought it. But I also charmed the arms on it to... sort of stay in place, but not really. You following so far?"

"Um-" Remus tilted his head. "You... glued the hands on a watch to the face of the watch because...?"

"They'll still move around it and tell time and all. But you can touch it with your fingertips and you won't slide them around at all. Unfortunately this means that in the summertime, you'll need to do some maths to figure out what time it is. Oh, and also, I put little knotches on the outside at every hour if that helps. Here, can you feel the little notched around the edge?" Tonks explained. "It's kind of complicated, but if you can learn which hand is which and get to know the hours, you'll learn to tell time."

Remus let this soak into his mind. "So... I guess this means no more sleeping all day then, yes?"

"No, see, now you have to get up and be productive like the rest of us." She said lightly. "I hope it helps. It might take some getting used to though."

"It's wonderful. It's very thoughtful of you."

"Thanks. I hoped... maybe it would make your life a little easier." Tonks explained. "If it doesn't, if it was a stupid gift, then just throw it away. I'm sorry."

Remus shook his head. "I can't know if I don't try." He struggled, wrapping it around his wrist.

"Here, it's upside down." She giggled, her hand grabbing ahold of his wrist. "Come here, I'll flip it over for you."

"You've been in such a good mood." He said pointedly. "I'm glad. I know we've both been very... busy lately."

"Yeah... busy." She nodded. "Can you tell me what time it is?"

Remus touched the hollow face of the watch. He tried to remember the layout of an analog clock. "It's about... a quarter until six, I think. Is that right?"

"Good job!" Tonks laughed. She kissed the side of his cheek. There was something about it that felt innocent and platonic. She was quickly trying to wipe off some smudged lipstick from his face. "I bet Molly's almost done with dinner. I'm gonna go catch up with Fleur. See you in a bit?"

Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus's neck. "Hey, you're looking a bit glum."

"Oh. Am I?" Remus asked.

"You're thinking about her, aren't you?" He asked quietly.

"Here, come look at this." Remus held out his wrist to show his friend the watch. "Isn't that nice?"

"Yeah." Sirius agreed. "So... are you two...?"

"What?" Remus shook his head. "We're friends. We're friends, but it's... complicated."

"Are you okay?" Sirius asked. His voice sounded earnest and geniunely curious.

"I wish I had gotten something for her." Remus mentioned. "Or for you, or for Harry. I wish we could've had a more... normal holiday."

"I got a book from Aurthur on quidditch that I think Harry'll like. And I don't need anything." Sirius replied. "Don't worry about it, alright?"

"Maybe next year we can properly go Christmas shopping together. We can have a real holiday like we used to with James and Lily and all. If you want, we can decorate a tree with Harry. Do all of those cliche traditions." Remus said thoughtfully. "I could dust off some of my mum's recipes, not that I think I can make challah without my eyes..."

"And you can invite Tonks." Sirius said lightly.

"You say that like all your charges are going to be dropped in a year. We don't know where any of us are going to be in a year."

"Exactly! Who knows where we'll be in a year, mate? Or the _next_ year, or the year after? We've got to take chances while we can." Remus took a deep breath to say something before being cut off. "Next year, you, me, and Harry, and we'll have a proper family Christmas. Except... not really. Christmas in the name of aestheticism. Promise. We'll do it."

The mental image was amusing, but that only seemed to make it more sad. He couldn't put it above Sirius not to completely trash the place with decorations, but what was the point? A new realization struck him when they set up an old, makeshift tree in the drawing room that he _couldn't see any of it._ Part of him must have assumed a sort of mental picture of what Christmas lights would look like, but it never occurred to him until he was sitting in the floor, his head tilting up at them, that he realized that all lights were considered equal, that every light he saw was exactly the same. Tonks spent a good hour untangling a string of Christmas lights that only half worked and said that they were coloured lights. Remus knew this should've been common sense. He had never been able to see the orange glow of a fire or the blue glow of a stove top. In his mind, he pictured what it had been like looking at a bunch of coloured lights with his eyelids shut: he could be able see red and green colours glowing even if he couldn't see the lights. Now after his accident, the Christmas tree was just a very large, overly-glorified lamp. There wasn't exactly anything lovely about it.

"Hey, Sirius?" Remus swiftly grabbed his arm. "I just wanted to say thank you."

"For what?"

"This has been a really hard year for all of us, and I know it's not been easy being patient with me. And I've still got a long way to go, but you've done a lot for me."

Sirius didn't know how to express his emotions all that well. He wasn't the hugging type, so to speak. "I really haven't done all that much."

"You helped me take _showers_. That's quite a lot to ask of someone."

"Well just know that you still owe me one for that." Sirius chuckled.

"Thanks." Remus said.

Arthur was in much better spirits, though Remus knew he must've still looked pretty bad, considering how awkward people were acting around him. The twins were up to something, leading to a lecture from their mother, but Remus didn't know what. He was pleasantly surprised when Sirius gave Harry his gift with both of their names on it. And of course, Remus got a sweater from Molly.

He hadn't been much use in preparing dinner, but he tried to at least help with the dishes afterwards.

"Hey," Tonks breathed, her head right behind his ear. He could feel her lips brush against him, her hand resting in the small of his back. "Let's sneak out tonight."

"Hmm?" Remus raised his eyebrows, trying to keep his expression calm.

"Let's sneak out. When the kids go upstairs and when Molly and Arthur go to bed." She whispered.

"Where to?" He asked, turning his head to whisper quieter.

"There are a bunch of Christmas lights downtown. I say we take Sirius with us."

"He'll like that." Remus agreed. He shut off the water and shook off his hands, reaching out for the towel to dry his hands. "But yes, we will need to wait."

"So I guess we've got some time to kill then." Tonks sighed. He heard her jump up onto the counter. He balled up the hand towel and threw it at her lap. "That wasn't very nice of you, Remus." He took back the dish rag and hung it back up on its rack.

"Are you getting plenty of good photos for your scrapbook?"

"Oh sure. Can I take one of you?"

"I-" Remus laughed. She had taken his picture several times before, but never with warning. She always caught him in the middle of something. He didn't know how he should've posed for the picture. "What?"

"Here, look up here," her hand touched his chin. "Smile!"

"Ah, um-" Remus tried to put on a decent smile. He felt utterly ridiculous.

He heard the shutter of her camera. "Very handsome. I've already developed half of the film I've got upstairs, but it seems like I never have any time."

"You better get down before Molly spots you-"

_"Tonks, dear, could you-"_

Tonks jumped down from her seat. "So is that a yes then?"

"Of course." Remus smiled.

"Do you want something to drink while we wait?" Tonks offered, already digging for a glass in the cupboard. She almost dropped one, before Remus managed to catch it. It was incredible how much being around her had him on guard to catch things. The two sat in their secluded corner of the kitchen with their fire whiskey as people tapered off to bed.

It was hard trying to sneak all three of them out at once, especially with Sirius as a dog. Between Tonks and Remus's collective clumsiness, they had multiple instances of almost falling flat on patches of ice that froze to the sidewalk. Tonks was chipper and too busy talking to watch her feet until she eventually fell flat on her backside. Remus felt bad for laughing. Tonks probably filled up an entire roll of film taking pictures of the Christmas lights. It was starting to get pretty late, but there were still people out walking and there were voices singing Christmas carols somewhere down the street. The lights weren't that pretty to Remus, but he knew it wasn't meant to be about that.

It was the best they felt in a while.


	25. Chapter XXV

"You've just made three illegal moves in the game, and we just started." Tonks pointed out. "Sirius, can you come help him for a minute?"

The two of them were occupying the coffee table in the drawing room with a chessboard. Remus had been good at chess, once upon a time. Surely now, he thought, it couldn't be that hard. This was _much_ more difficult than he anticipated.

Sirius made his way across the room to examine the board. "Oh no, he's doing it on purpose. He knows what he's doing." Sirius's voice sounded indicative of a smirk. Remus punched him in the leg.

They were all on lockdown again. Half the fun on Christmas Eve was getting to sneak out and not get caught, but Molly was like a hawk. She didn't think anything at first, when Tonks and Remus were missing at the same time, but it was a pile of Sirius's clothes in the bathroom that gave him away. They had promised not to tell anyone else for fear that the kids would start worrying. Harry in particular had been acting odd since he came home for the break. He had started waking up having night terrors. Tonks was convinced he was gifted with Divination, lending him her tarot cards for practice, but he was certain that wasn't the cause. Yet there was still no explanation for how he had a nightmare about Arthur at the _exact _same time he had been attacked. Sirius was convinced it was some kind of prophecy, but had yet to support that either. Sirius said he was going to have a talk with him before he went back to school, but today, they were out getting any missing school supplies before starting the new semester.

"Am not!" Remus said. He tended to forget that he didn't need to grab the pieces and ended up even flipping the board over on accident. Tonks kept playing with him despite it, resetting the board.

"Do either of you need anything while I'm up? I'm going to run downstairs. I forgot to feed Buckbeak." Sirius announced. "Hagrid is supposed to take him back to the school with a fake name. Poor guy needs space. That bedroom's not doing him justice."

"I think we're good." Tonks reassured. "Say hi to him for me, will you?"

"Of course, Tonks." Sirius said sarcastically, making his way out.

"Do you want to try again?" Tonks offered.

Remus sighed. "No. It's really no use."

"Maybe we stick with checkers, yeah? Wizard's chess is hard enough as is anyways." She started picking up the pieces and putting them back in the box.

"Thanks for working with me." Remus put on a smile.

"You're welcome." Tonks said. She circled the coffee table, brushing her hand across his shoulder. She walked towards the bookshelf and sighed. "Honestly, as cramped as it is here, I'm not looking forward to my next mission. I'm with _Mundungus._"

Remus thought about his own previous assignment. He had tried to make it the furthest thing from his mind, but when things were too quiet or too slow, it always crept back into his mind. "Greyback found out that I'm alive." He blurted out. "He's... according to one of the people on the inside, he's debating about hunting me." There was a weight on his chest that was lifted, but immediately replaced with a gaping hole of sadness. Arthur and Dumbledore were the only ones there when he translated the code. Not even Sirius knew yet. One day, Remus knew the place would either get stormed without warning or they would get a message telling them he was coming. Remus knew when that message came there was only one thing he could do to protect the others.

"What's your plan? Does Dumbledore know this?" Tonks asked worriedly.

"Of course, but he's... he's convinced the wards around the house will hold. I'm not so optimistic."

"Doesn't sounds like you, not trusting the big man himself." She sat down on the floor beside him, her hand resting on his in his lap.

"Greyback hunts by scent, not sight." Remus said grimly. "Which means if he gets close, I have to leave."

"You don't _have_ to leave, Remus. You know we'll defend you."

"And when you can't anymore?"

"That's _suicide_ to think you can make it out there, no wand, all by yourself. You'll be hunted down in a week."

"It's suicide to think that you all can fight back for me. Someone would get hurt, get bitten, get _killed..._ Dora, you know they would find my scent on _you_ first."

"I'd fight tooth and nail for you, Remus. You'd do it for me if you could, I know that. That's the point." Tonks said softly. Her breath was getting heavier. She leaned in and lovingly kissed him. It tasted bitter, like poison was dripping from his mouth. She shivered. "How long do you guess you have until then?"

"No clue. I'm only speculating that he _will_ hunt me eventually, whether it's now or in a few years. There's a target on me." Remus remarked. He turned his head away from her. "But you _will_ be the first one, Dora. He'll smell me on you and he'll start thinking things and..."

"Remus, stop it, I've been here long enough to know that it's a risk I don't have a choice in not making-" Her voice sounded strained and hurt. Tonks almost sounded like she was going to cry. "I love you. Whatever that means, I _love you,_ and I'm not going to abandon you."

"I know. I know you want to help-" Remus swallowed. "They might not even kill you, Dora. _Killing_ you would be the least painful thing they could do to you. At least it would be quick, they could _bite_ you... at least if you were dead, you wouldn't feel anything. Fenrir Greyback _will_ hold grudges. That's why he came back to hurt me, that's why when he hunts me, he'll find anyone that I loved, anyone who was close to me... and..." He couldn't finish his sentence. All he could do was point at his face. "This _can_ and _will_ and _worse _will happen if he finds you linked to me."

"I know... I know what you mean, but... but aren't you a person too? Doesn't your life mean something as well?" She asked. "All we can do is listen for news. I...I wouldn't mind helping you run away. You know that my parents are a safe house. The Order _has_ a plan to relocate if things go bad. No one here would refuse to stand their ground for you."

"That's very kind of you, but-"

"But _no!"_ Tonks protested. "But we _care about you. I_ care about you."

"I know you do, and I care about you too. Don't you understand that this is why I can't stay?" Remus asked. She rested her head against his shoulder and he gently touched the side of her face. "I can't take you with me, but I would. I would if I knew you would be safe."

Tonks was playing with a button on his cardigan. "I love you."

She had said that several times by now and Remus wanted to say it back, like a knee jerk reaction. He had such a clear, perfect picture of what he thought it should mean when he was supposed to say it. He had always had the image of himself being healthy and whole and able to provide for someone he cared about. Love meant that he wanted to be able to give her flowers or tell her how beautiful he thought she was. Love meant going on _real_ dates, not being closed up inside a small house. Love didn't mean being taken care of like damaged good or being the reason someone was being hunted by werewolves. He didn't deserve her. She was too good for him.

"You don't have to say it back." She murmured. "I don't want you to feel pressured, but you need to know it."

"I love you too, Dora." Remus said. "But you don't-"

"Stop saying 'but'. You do or you _don't." _Tonks said.

"I love you, but your safety is more important to me than any amount of affection could." She tilted her head up at him. Remus leaned over to kiss her, though barely touching her, afraid to hurt her. He leaned in too far, their foreheads bumping together. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that." Remus ran his fingers over where he bumped her and kissed the spot.

She chuckled. "Why are you so afraid to touch me?"

"Hmm?"

"You touch me like I'm made of glass, like you're going to kiss me too hard." Tonks said. "You can touch my face. You're not going to poke my eyes out." She carefully guided his thumb over her lips. "You'll let me kiss you, but... just in case, I want you to know that you can touch me. If you're comfortable."

"I'm simply not used to this." Remus said. "I'm not used to being so close with anyone. I, erm, "I know, but I'm... I'm not very... I don't exactly have a lot of experience with people like this."

She was quiet for a beat. "That's okay, I don't either." Tonks tried to kid. She squeezed his fingers. "I'm still in awe everytime I see you, because I can't help but think of how lucky I am that I have someone as kind and as accepting as you. You have no idea how much it means to me to have you accept me the way that I am regardless. Seriously, it's blowing me away that you've still never had me change for you. You don't feel like you have to constantly reassure me about what you don't like about my face."

"Well, I _do_ think your nose looks pretty terrible." He said sarcastically. "Could use some work there."

"You're a prick, you do know that, right?" She laughed.

"Yeah, it just looks _awful. _I just-I can't even bear to look at you sometimes." Remus grinned. "It's the worst nose I've ever seen."

Tonks kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I guess you'll have to learn to love it then." He caught himself wrapping his arms around her. She swayed a bit. "Would you like to go in the other room? A bit more privacy if Sirius comes poking around..."

"We can go to my room if you'd like." Remus said quietly.

He couldn't remember how they got to his bedroom, or over to the bed, or when they sat down, but he knew she had stretched out on her back on the bed.

"Are we-" Remus had to clear his throat. She tasted so sweet and her scent was beginning to intoxicate him, despite the various alarm bells ringing in his head. He felt foolish enough, like a fifteen year old boy with his first crush, but he knew what this was going to lead to. There were two ends of a "bad" spectrum, ranging from looking like a complete idiot to at least one of them was going to start having _feelings _for the other one. His hand was riding dangerous territory on her thigh. "Are we going to be, um..."

"What's wrong?" Tonks asked. "You look white as a sheet, are you okay? Are we moving too fast?"

"Yes." Remus tried to feign confidence.

_"Yes?_ Yes what?"

"Ah, I'm... sorry- I mean, I'm alright. I'm okay."

"Come here, love, you're fine-" She nudged him with the side of her leg, carefully wrapping it around his waist as he got on all fours on top of her. He accidentally kneed her in the hip before profusely apologizing. "What's wrong?" Her lips pressed against his neck.

"I'm... I don't know, I don't know if I can do this." Remus said quickly. He could feel his face flush.

"Are you worried about your eyes?"

"I'm worried about a lot of things." Remus insisted. "I'm worried about hurting you or not, or you enjoying it, or... My point is yes, I'm sure there's something somewhere in there about that too."

Tonks sighed. "You're a mess, you know that? Slow down. Just slow down, take a deep breath. We'll go slow, okay? Take our time, we don't need to rush through this. And you can grope me all weirdly all you want."

"Tonks, I'm serious, I haven't a clue what I'm doing-" Remus insisted.

"Did you know some people actually put on blindfolds and— no, no, it's an actual thing people do!" Remus burst out laughing and so did Tonks. "I meant that... if people do that to be kinky, you know, perhaps..."

"I know what you meant." He shook his head with amusement.

Tonks laughed happily. She tossed her head backwards, grabbing the collar of his shirt, pulling him back in for a kiss. "You're being so bashful! I promise I don't bite, Remus."

She was more playful than heavily passionate about kissing him, her hands lovingly caressing the sides of his face. There weren't many ways to be polite about touching her. He tried to keep his distance at her legs. Holding onto her waist felt even more awkward. He didn't feel much less anxious. His mind kept switching back and forth, trying to explain what he was doing, trying to rationalize being here in the first place, and trying to make himself get up. _Nothing good is coming from this, you're only going to both get hurt. What are you doing? You're opening up something that you're never going to be able to close and you're going to make her cry in the end, or you're going to be let down when she finds someone better than you. Why would you want that? When did a reckless bout of immediate gratification ever solve anything? _

"Maybe tonight, we just stick to this. I'm not sure I can bring myself to-"

"I am so sorry, am I pushing you again?" Tonks asked sincerely. "I won't. I'm sorry, I didn't meant to push you."

"I..." Remus turned his face away from her. "I don't think it's you."

She nodded. "Okay. Then... do you want to get off of me?"

"I'm so sorry!" He pulled away from her hips.

There was a knock on the bedroom door.

"Hey, Remus?" A voice said through the door.

Remus panicked and they both froze. "Um, yes?" He internally scolded himself for even opening his mouth.

"It's Sirius. So, funny story actually, I'm _bleeding_ just a bit, and I can't find Tonks and I need help with Buckbeak-"

Tonks clasped her hand over her mouth. "Uh, I'm not exactly sure where she went to!"

"Did she go the bathroom? Ow, shit-" Remus turned to Tonks in a panic. "I'm sorry, I need to come in, I need the bandages- _Holy shit-"_

"Get out!" Tonks shouted. Tonks was busy clamoring off of him, falling off onto the other side of the bed. "_Sirius, out!"_

"I'm sorry, were you two in the _middle of something!" _Sirius shouted back.

"What? No, we were just-"

"That bloody bird tried to _kill_ me, and you two were busy doing _what?"_

"Oh shut up, Sirius, it's not that bad." Tonks got off of the mattress. "We aren't allowed to kiss now?"

"The first aid kit is on my dresser. There's dittany-" Remus said.

"Oh please, don't let my _death inconvenience_ any of you, by any means _whatsoever."_ Sirius was over by the dresser, rummaging through the first aid kit. There was the sound of a bandage unraveling. "I'm _SORRY_, is that _MY_ blanket you two were planning on shagging on?"

"We weren't even undressed!"

_"We weren't even undress_\- _Tonks!_ That's still more than I ever needed to see, thank you very much!"

"Sirius, how bad is it?" Remus asked, propping himself on his elbows.

"Oh, it's _pretty bad,_ I'm not going to stop seeing the image of the two of you being all _intimate_ for at least a few weeks now-"

"I _meant_ the Hippogriff scratch." Remus said dryly.

"Sort of burning, not going to lie."

"Aw, poor thing, do you need Dora to go kiss it for you?"

"I don't know where her mouth's been " Sirius remarked, tearing off a piece of bandage on what Remus presumed was his arm. "In other news, there's now a loose hippogriff in the house and I need a hand."

Tonks sighed, picking up her wand from the nightstand. "I'll help. Give me a second though, okay?"

"A _second." _Sirius warned.

Tonks skipped over to the bed and kissed his forehead. "Maybe try again next time, yeah?"

The kids came back from Diagon Alley with all of their supplies for school and everyone ate dinner and went about their usual evening business. But Remus couldn't fall sleep that night. He kept playing his afternoon over and over in his mind, tossing about the bed, trying to think of what he could have done better. Would it have been so bad if they kept going? He couldn't distinguish which part of him was the liar, the part of him so eager to give in or the part holding him back. To make him feel worse were the dreams that he had about her that night.


	26. Chapter XXVI

Spring came with no unusual news.

The newest letter came in in the middle of the afternoon. Roughly a dozen people had been bitten and joined the pack. Word was spreading of a registry, funded by the ministry, mandating that all werewolves be filed and permanently remembered for who they were. Remus knew that this meant that their incomes, their property, their jobs, and their families would all be documented and slowly picked off one by one. This was going to slowly lead to having anything they have had being stripped from them just like the last war. The misinformation about who and what werewolves were was already spreading. People who got bit saw the pack as vigilant justice, that they deserved to fight back however they could, ignoring the fact that it was their own side, the people fighting for blood purity, integrating the laws.

Remus knew something needed to be done. Someone needed to intervene, to talk to them. More people were going to get hurt, if not bitten or killed. But what was he supposed to do? What could he do? It used to be that he could be the spy and it was eating at him to think that he was the only werewolf in the Order, now completely housebound.

Remus's nightmares gnawed at him every night. Every night, he would fall asleep and almost immediately see the face of Greyback. He would see him at his childhood home, in the woods the night he attacked Remus, in the hallway in the middle of the night. It frightened him to the point that he couldn't get up from his bed as long as it was dark outside. Tonks let him sleep in her bed just so he could try and get some decent rest. When she had to work nights, he found that her scent was still comforting.

Remus needed to be cutting himself off. He needed to be distancing himself. He needed to keep away from her, but he knew he was too weak, always crawling back to her bed to fight off his bad dreams. He didn't need to be crying in her arms for the second time this week, yet she was always there to soothe him without fault until they fell back asleep together or got up before the sun did. The full moon was inching nearer and nearer and it might've been the worst one for him yet.

Every inch of his skin was crawling when his woke up from his daily terror. Tonks laid beside him quietly and stroked his arm until he no longer wanted to crawl out of his own body. His head hurt due to there being a faint ringing behind his left ear and his lower back was hurting. He felt on edge about something, and his heightened senses were sure going to find it.

If it hadn't been Saturday, Tonks would've been gone to work, and Remus couldn't bring himself to think about what could've possibly happened if she had gone in.

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" Tonks offered, rubbing his shoulders. The kitchen filled with the smell of fresh coffee. Arthur was sleepily flipping through the morning paper.

Remus shook his head. He picked up his glass and took a long drink. The Wolfbane potion only made him feel more nauseated. "Thank you." Tonks smoothed out his hair.

The water upstairs shut off. "Kingsley just got out of the shower. You might want to head up there before Sirius hogs all of the hot water." She mentioned. "That might help with your muscles."

Remus turned disdainfully towards his potion, drinking down the last of its contents. A hot shower did sound nice. It was relaxing for a moment, putting a break in his stressful morning, but when he got out, something was happening and it was very, verywrong.

"Tonks, get up, we need to go. Now." Sirius's voice gave of an impending sense of panic.

The werewolves had found him, was his first immediate thought. Remus turned away from his room and walked to the drawing room. "What happened? Where are we going? What's happening?"

"Harry sent word to Snape that something is wrong, Snape sent word here. Harry's headed to the Ministry and we have to go help him." Sirius said.

"We? What are you talking about? Sirius, what about the others?" Tonks asked, already pulling her boots on.

"They're coming with us! Hurry, we have to go now!" His voice gave off a sense of fear that Remus wasn't familiar with.

"Let me grab my jacket-"

"I'm coming too." Remus said abruptly.

"Sirius!" A voice downstairs called.

"You are doing no such thing." Sirius barked. He grabbed Remus by the shoulders and dragged him over to the couch. "Sit down, I said you aren't going anywhere."

Remus was terrified. There was a sense of real crisis in his voice. "You'll need help. I need to come with you-"

A finger pressed hard against his sternum. "If you make one more move, I will stun you, do you understand me?" Sirius's voice boomed with anger and with his own terror. "Snape thinks this is Voldemort's trap to corner Harry at the Ministry. There might be death eaters, and you are not getting killed over this, Remus."

Remus took a deep breath. "I can't fight, but surely I can help somehow, can't I?"

Tonks pushed Sirius out of the way and kissed Remus hard on the lips. "I'll be back as soon as I can be."

"Dora, wait, please-" She quickly topped away from his grasp. His instinct told him that were both going to be in tremendous danger and all he wanted was a proper goodbye.

"I'm sorry-" He heard her say.

Remus got to his feet, his mind still searching for answers. Everything was so normal a few seconds ago and that he couldn't wrap his head around what was happening.

"Pereificus Totalus!"

Sirius was the one who cast the spell, locking his body into place and knocking him backwards into his seat. Tonks let of a loud gasp. Sirius said something to reprimand her in a low voice and footsteps shuffled out of the room. Remus's chest was so tight, he wasn't sure he was even breathing. His neck ached from the angle it was positioned when he was hit and his legs were becoming shaky. The most he could do was blink his eyes between shallow breaths.

It felt like centuries ticked by in front of him. He kept replaying the last conversation he might've had with his two closest friends. He listened closely for any unusual sounds around him, his heart skipping beats at every mutter of Kreacher, every settling floorboard, every low grumble of Sirius's mother upstairs, or every nervous rumbling of Buckbeak. His faintly ticking watch was the only thing alerting him of how long he had been sitting there for. It had been hours by that point. If his skin had been itching before, he felt like his whole body was burning with pain.

Shouldn't they have been back by now?

Remus imagined Sirius in handcuffs, but that image was even too optimistic. If they found Sirius, he would have been killed or kissed by dementors on the spot. Tonks would've been arrested for assisting him. He didn't know any of the story, but he had a horrible feeling that there was no good reason for Snape to be reaching out to Sirius and nothing good was going to come from it.

The hex slowly loosened its grip on his body over time.

The light in the room shifted as it became afternoon.

A door downstairs slammed, waking up the portrait. Footsteps came up to where Remus was waiting, the person shushing the portrait was they walked by.

"Remus?" A voice asked, but he couldn't respond. It took Arthur a moment to undo the hex that Sirius had put on him.

"What happened? Where are the others? Where's Sirius and Dora? Did they go to the Ministry? Are they okay? Is Harry okay?"

"Calm—Remus, I need you to listen carefully." Arthur urged. He sounded gravely upset by something. "I have some bad news."

xxxxx

Remus wasn't quite sure where he was. He knew that it was a small room crowded with people talking. He knew that apperating made him feel ill. Arthur had a firm grasp on his arm.

"Remus Lupin?" A woman said.

"Yes, who is this?"

"Andromeda Tonks." Her hand wrapped around Remus's. "You do remember me, yes? Ted's here too."

"Arthur told me she was dueling." Remus sighed. "What happened? How is she? Is she awake?"

"She took quite the nasty fall." Andromeda explained. "Which sounds about right it you ask me. She hit her head on the way down."

"She's not up yet, but she'll probably be awake by tonight, if you'd like to stick around." Ted said. "The healers wanted to make sure she wasn't in pain and it was best for her to be asleep."

"Who was she dueling?" Remus asked.

"Lestrange." Andromeda spat. "Hit her in the chest with a stunning spell. She probably would've killed her if she wasn't after a different person of interest."

"Is she going to recover smoothly?"

"Healers said she should be up by dinnertime. Dora might be a little confused about everything she's done today, and I expect she'll be a bit loopy on those painkillers." Ted told him. "I expect this'll be no more than a bad headache this time tomorrow."

"You're putting a lot of faith in these healers, Ted." Andromeda said dryly.

"May I see her?"

Arthur helped Remus over to her bed so that he didn't fall over his own feet. Her snores sounded more nasally than usual, but she was completely unconscious. Remus placed his hand on her chest just to make sure that her heart was still beating and that her chest was still rising and falling. A wave of intense relief washed over him. "Dora, I'm so sorry..." He murmured, brushing his hand as lightly as he could over her forehead. Remus sat for a while, holding her hand. Arthur said he needed to visit a few other members before they left.

"Excuse me, Mr. Tonks?" He asked nervously.

"Is something wrong, Remus?"

"I was just curious. She told me that he hair changes colours sometimes when she doesn't mean it, when she's in a strong mood." Remus said. "What colour is her hair now? Is it still pink?"

"No," Ted sounded hurt when he turned to look at his daughter. "I didn't know you were aware that she wore her hair that colour."

"She told me a while back. She seems very guarded about being a metamorphmagus. I'm glad she felt comfortable enough to tell me. And I think it's very charming the way she uses her talent."

"Pink is her flavour of hair for the time being. Every few months or so she'll find a new colour and style she likes and toy with it until she's tired of it. She's always liked pink, though, but she thought it was too 'girly' for her when she was little." Remus couldn't read Ted quite as well as he could Tonks or Sirius, but he seemed to have a light spirit. "She started with her 'punk' look as a teenager and she never turned back. She's too tired to morph right now, but it looks darker than usual."

Remus nodded. "Does it normally change when she dreams? I'm not very familiar with metamorphmagi, but I know it's very closely linked with their emotions. I'm sorry if I'm asking too many questions-"

"Oh, I don't mind." Ted replied. "It depends, I think. I know when she was younger it would change when she dreamt, but she was a little girl then. You never did get to see her before, did you?"

"No, Sir." Remus replied. "I didn't know her before my accident."

Ted chuckled. "Dora's quite the personality. She can be a little daunting at times."

Remus nodded in agreement. "She's very fierce. I don't know why I didn't expect her to wake up kicking as soon as she could." Tonks was so calm and still. Remus was worried he was going to lose his composure as soon as he came into the room. He still felt that he narrowly missed one of the worst things that could've happened to him. "Mr. Tonks?"

"You can call me Ted, Remus."

Remus nodded nervously. "Was she tortured? Did anything else bad happen to her?"

"I'm not sure. She took several hard hits, but she was never conscious when she got here." Ted explained. "She's a tough gal. She'll pull through. You're welcome to stay with her as long as you'd like and ask her when she wakes up."

"I need to go talk to someone else tonight, but I'd love to come back." Remus said.

"Will you tell him I said hello?" Ted asked. "I heard it was a hard day for him too."

xxxxx

Sirius didn't get the luxury of going to the hospital. The news was running wild with the word that Sirius Black himself had been spotted and nearly caught inside the Ministry.

"Sirius?" Remus said as he approached him. He was laying spread out on one of the couches at the Burrow.

"Remus! You're here. What are you doing here?" Sirius asked. "Hey, mate, I'm really sorry about earlier-"

Remus had tried to forget his own problems to take care of his friends, but the mention of it made it worse. "You left me frozen on the sofa for six hours, Sirius."

"What happened?" A voice from one of the arm chairs asked.

"He put a body-binding hex on me for the entire day because he was worried I'd try and help him-"

"In my defense, I thought it would wear off."

"Well it didn't!"

"If it makes you feel better, I completely shattered the bone in my leg. I'm going to be frozen here for a bit." Sirius said. "Does that count?"

Remus took a deep breath. "I'm just glad you're alive right now."

Sirius paused. "Have you seen Tonks?"

"I just came from there. She's asleep. They're going to assess her when she wakes up." Remus said. "Her mother said she was hit by a Lestrange?"

"Bellatrix, Tonks's aunt and mother's sister."

"That Lestrange?" Remus asked. "Bloody hell, who knows what she's going to wake up with now. I was hoping it was one of the others."

"Same woman that got me." Sirius said. "I'm... fine, by the way."

He didn't sound reassuring. "Are you sure you're feeling alright?"

"Yeah, I mean the pain's bad, but what can you do about it? I've already had a potion for it, just have to wait for my leg to heal. Should be done by tomorrow." Sirius said. "I'm a little bruised, but aren't we all?"


	27. Chapter XXVII

Tonks was quietly washing dishes in the sink, her hand mindlessly splashing warm soapy water in Remus's direction as she worked. Things weren't settling down after the battle at the Department of Mysteries. Something was off about her since she came back to headquarters. Tonks held out a plate for him to dry. Remus took it as she quickly yanked her hand away before he could touch her. It seemed like she always did that when he tried to hold her hand. He silently wiped the dish off with a rag.

She was too quiet all of the time and it was making Remus nervous. She wouldn't talk, she wouldn't give him any sort of physical affection. She was usually just as clingy as he was, but now he found himself alone in his own room more often than not. Tonks was completely spacing out from the world around her.

The doubt and guilt was creeping into his mind, gnawing away at him when he was alone long enough to let it get to him. Remus was mentally scolding himself. Here he was, a Gryffindor by every sense of the word, and he wasn't even brave enough to keep to himself. Since Sirius had come back, since his accident, Remus felt like a dam had broken inside of him and all his years of loneliness had leaked out. It scared him to think he might not be able to contain it again. He felt like he was trying to fight against a current to regain control over himself. That feeling of being absent and mindless, the sense that something bad was lurking just behind his shoulder, waiting for him to lower his guard, that fear of losing anything else that he held precious was worse that any of the emptiness and loneliness he spent years fighting off. More than that even, he was too afraid to tell her about his upcoming mission.

She went to hand him another, but it slipped and crashed, breaking in the sink. Tonks sighed, cursed under her breath, and flipped off the water to search for her wand. "I'm sorry." Tonks nudged him out of the way.

"Tonks-"

"I've got it." She interjected.

"Is everything okay?" Harry's voice drifted into the kitchen. "Did you break something?"

"Oh, wotcher Harry. We've got it, I think." Tonks said. "I'm about done and then we'll drive you back home. Have you packed up your things?"

"Are you sure you can't just... forget to take me?" Harry asked nervously. "I can't stay any longer?"

"I wish you could stay longer, but Dumbledore said no way." Tonks waved her wand and caught the fixed bowl in her hand. "It'll be just a few weeks though."

"Why?" Harry grumbled. "I don't understand the point of all of this anyways. I just want to stay here with Sirius and you all-"

"Harry, we aren't even sure how much longer it's going to be safe for us to stay here." Tonks blurted out.

Remus was impatient throughout the entire story of what had gone down at the Ministry, but the Order was falling into a dangerous position. The story that the papers told of infamous Sirius Black luring a group of school children to the Ministry where he and a band of death eaters waited to attack them before interference by Ministry officials. It left out the parts about the Department of Mysteries, of Harry's unusual and unexplained visions, of the rise of Voldemort... it left out the part about the prophecy. Harry's nightmares were worsening each night and Remus could hear him wake up in the middle of the night crying or pacing the kitchen. The thought of him returning to the Dursley's was painful, especially knowing Sirius wouldn't be there to comfort him. Remus felt awful listening to him plead with Dumbledore to let Harry stay but there was nothing they could do to change his mind. Speaking of Sirius, he spent most of his time nowadays sulking around with a heavy boot on his foot that could signal his arrival from the top floor. He was humorous about it at least, playing it up to be as dramatic as he possibly could, but it was all simply a front to cover up whatever it was that happened at the Ministry that night. Sirius refused to go into details about any of it. Even Tonks refused to give many more details other than her near fatal fall off a set of stairs after taking a hit from a stunning spell, her last memory before waking up in a hospital.

"Why wouldn't it be safe?" Harry asked nervously.

"For the most part... it's because of my aunt, Bellatrix. Technically she's a bit older than Sirius and we're wondering if her birthright is going to give her the ability to get into the house, since Sirius's name got burned off the family tree." Tonks said. "She's absolutely mad, but she's cunning. She knows without a doubt that we're here and I wouldn't put it against her to try and break in."

"Why all of a sudden?"

"We're guessing it might have something to do with her dispute with Sirius." Tonks shivered. "And the way she came at me it's like... I can't describe her fighting style. There's something not-normal about it, like the dementors really rewired her head."

"The death eaters are also looking for their own headquarters." Remus added in. "Kingsley's been making a record of all of the places they've been headed and Voldemort doesn't seem to be settling anywhere as of now."

"Then if he's on the run and I'm in danger, why do I have to go back to the Dursley's? I'd be safer surrounded by a hoard of aurors than a couple of muggles."

"You wouldn't." Tonks told him. "It's... way more complicated than that." She nudged Remus with her arm. Of all the people uneasy about the new arrangement, Remus had been quiet, but was certainly the most panicked. Losing the protection of the house meant losing any certainty he might've had that he was protected.

"I was almost kissed by a dementor last summer!"

"Wouldn't the death eaters _assume _you would be with the aurors?" Remus chimed in. "Voldemort expects you to be afraid. He expects you to arm yourself. The muggles have always been our safest option." They weren't allowed to go into much more detail with the boy and Remus was hoping he would step down.

"Besides, you aren't _completely _alone. You act like we won't have eyes on you at all times." Tonks said. The tone in her voice shifted to be more friendly.

"I'd rather be around here with you." Harry grumbled. "You all are a much better family than the one I've got."

"And we'd much rather have you here than with the Dursley's." Remus told him. "You'll be back in a few weeks, won't you?"

"Yeah." Harry sighed. "But can I come back before the summer's over? Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia don't exactly like me doing my homework at their place and I need to do some potion work. I can't brew anything at their place and on top of that, they'll shred up my essays if they find them."

Remus could tell Tonks was looking at him. "I'm so sorry to hear that, Harry." Her voice was heartbroken.

"It's okay." Harry shrugged her off. "Where is the Order going to go?"

"We'll likely be meeting at the Burrow for a while." Remus said. "We're still talking about where Sirius will be located until we know it's safe. As of right now, it looks like Sirius and I might be headed to my parents' old house."

"Do you know where Sirius is now?"

"You could try knocking on his room and seeing if he's in there?" Remus suggested.

"We'll be leaving soon, so make sure your stuff's in the hallway." Tonks threw in.

"Can I come with you?" Remus asked. "Unless I'm just going to be in the way, then I'm perfectly content staying here for the time being-"

"No, of course you can come. I'm taking my dad's car. Sirius was coming too, but I'm afraid I can't transfigure his cast and he'll get stuck or mess up his leg even worse." She said. "Don't worry, I seriously don't think Emmeline will care all that much."

"We'll have to come straight back or else Molly'll come after us." Remus said in a low voice.

"Are you afraid of Mrs. Weasley?" Harry asked.

Remus was startled that Harry was still there. He laughed. "I wouldn't exactly say _afraid _per say-"

"I think we can agree that we have a lot of respect for Mrs. Weasley, but Remus and I don't exactly have the cleanest record of behaving around here, isn't that right?" Tonks said.

"I figured it out!" A voiced shouted from upstairs. Sirius came trampling down the steps in his heavy boot.

"Figured out what?" Tonks called back.

Sirius came falling into the kitchen. "I can get it off!"

"Sirius, please don't, you're going to botch it up and your leg's going to stick out forever." Tonks scolded him. "It's broken, love, leave it alone."

"No, watch, I can take it off and then-"

"I thought Molly was extra careful to make sure this didn't happen?"

"I figured out how to get it off. What, did you think I'm that incompetent at charms, Moony?"

"Sirius, please don't turn into a dog in the middle of the kitchen to demonstrate. No one needs to see that." Remus sighed. "It's not going to heal properly with you transfiguring all the time."

"If I can take it off, then can I still go with Tonks to privet drive?"

"Then go in the bathroom and figure it out, will you?" Remus shook his head and Sirius limped out pitifully. "And I'm going with you!"

"Wait, really? They're letting _you_ go? Isn't this official Order business?"

"Sirius, why don't you go get your foot figured out please so we can go?" Tonks said.

"It's practically healed anyways!" Sirius replied.

The car ride was vaguely nauseating, just like apperating was. Tonks was a surprisingly decent driver, but she wasn't that great at _not_ stomping her foot on the brakes to slow it down. Remus had to admit that Ted Tonks had a decent taste in music. Sirius was in his dog form and Remus could hear him panting the whole way. Cars always made Snuffles nervous.

It was an confusing feeling. None of them said very much for most of the ride, save for Tonks who seemed like she was having a conversation with herself or no one in particular. His watch told him it had been about an hours drive to Surrey, but time was moving in an unnatural way. The radio was fading in and out of static occasionally and Harry would mumble things to Sirius while he petted him to calm him down. Time felt like it was moving slower here. Remus found himself somewhere between sleep and wake. There was an unfamiliar sense of an old memory of nostalgia.

"Am I boring you to death over there?" Tonks asked.

"No, I'm alright." Remus said, rubbing his hand over his face. "I miss the sunshine."

"Yeah, I wish we had cleaner windows, but I don't think that grime's ever going to come off." She sighed. The car jerked unsteadily as she made a turn. "Wish it didn't rain all the bloody time."

"No, I meant that I miss seeing the sunshine. It's not the same anymore." Tonks was listening quietly. "I didn't realize what I took for granted. Sunshine, the Christmas lights, fireplaces... they're all the same now. It's all just... light. You could show me a grand chandelier and I wouldn't know any different." He felt her reach out touch his arm to comfort him. "You might want to put both of your hands in the steering wheel."

"You have such little faith in me." She chuckled. The car was beginning to slow down.

"Maybe when you get a better sense of the indicators, we can talk about driving with one hand."

"Oh please, we could be in Bristol right now and you wouldn't even know it." She said. Tonks parked the car against the curb, only managing to hit it once, a significant improvement thus far.

"I can walk myself up to the door." Harry said. "You don't have to get out."

"It's fine. I'd love to meet them." Tonks said cheerfully, unbuckling her seatbelt.

"Would you really?" Harry asked dryly.

"Are you going to behave, Nymphadora?" Remus asked. She elbowed his arm.

"On my best behaviour." She nodded. "Sirius, you can come too."

"I don't think they'll let him in the house." Harry said.

"We won't stay long." Tonks said.

Remus was glad to stretch his legs. Tonks helped Harry with his trunk as they walked up the front steps. Harry was dragging his feet like a funeral procession.

"Professor Lupin, I'm sorry in advance if they say anything about your, er-"

"I'll be alright, Harry." Remus said.

The door opened before they even got all of the way there. "Harry!" A woman's voice snapped. "We weren't expecting you so soon. We thought we were supposed to get you from King's Cross. And who are-"

"There was a slight change of plans." Tonks said. Remus could hear how strained her smile was through her voice. "We had to come early."

"Right." The woman sounded stiff.

"They're friends of mine, Aunt Petunia." Harry said. "From the school."

_"Friends. _Yes, right, of course." She said. "The dog too?"

"Of course." Tonks replied. "This is Remus, and I'm-"

"And does the _dog_ have any manners at all? It's stepping on all of my hostas! Have you no control over it?"

Remus whistled. "Snuffles, stop it."

There was a loud rustling and the woman gasped. Tonks let out a laugh. "I'm sorry—Snuffles, get out here please."

The woman scoffed. "I would think that _your kind_ of people would at least be civilized to know how to use a leash on your mutts."

"I'm very sorry. He's usually more well behaved around people." Remus said. "Harry, be looking for our word. We'll be getting in touch with you as soon as we hear from D-"

"Perhaps we don't want you talking to our nephew." Petunia said.

"That sucks, I supposed." Tonks replied. "Anyways, it should be before September. There'll be plenty of time to get ready for next year. Oh! And remember what I said earlier, about checking up on you. We'll be keeping an eye on you, alright, kiddo?"

"He doesn't need any of you lot to be _'checking in on him'._"

"Maybe not, but we'll still be doing it anyways." Tonks nodded. "Alright Snuffles, let's head back home now."

Sirius came bounding out of the flowers. He let out a bark. "Bye." Harry said sadly. "See you guys soon." Remus didn't know what to do. He stood frozen in place until the front door slammed shut and Tonks had to take him by the arm and lead him back to the car.

Tonks slammed the car door behind her. "Hmph." The engine roared to life.

"What were you expecting?" Remus asked curiously. "You think those muggles would've taken any more kindly to woman with pink hair and a man with scars all over his face?"

"It's not pink."

"Hmm?"

"Not pink." She said smugly. He felt her push herself up over the console and kiss him on the mouth. "Any other guesses?"

There was an annoyed whine from the back seat. Remus closed his eyes. "Blue?"

"Hmm." She picked him on the lips and sunk back in her seat. "You can be so unimaginative sometimes." Her voice teased.

"Are you two done shagging up there?"

Tonks let out a loud shriek. "Bloody— Sirius! What in the seven hells is wrong with you? Where are your pants?!?"

"Hang on, I threw some in the back, give me a second to find them-"

"Why do you even _have_ pants? Someone will spot you! You have to change back _now!_" Tonks exclaimed.

"Oh, stop screaming."

"Sirius, you're going to get yourself killed." Tonks said firmly. Her voice was a kind of harsh Remus had never heard before. "I'm not joking. Change back _now."_

"Why are you so paranoid? I could be anyone right now. No one knows who I am. No one's going to be lurking in the windows." Remus heard a zipper pull. "It's fine."

"Sirius, you just attacked a bunch of school children at the Ministry." Tonks protested. "If people weren't out looking for you then, they sure are now."

"I didn't-" Sirius got quiet. "Right. I'm sorry."

Tonks was quietly fuming as she pulled away from the curb. "How's your leg?" Remus asked, looking over his shoulder.

"Stiff, but alright." Sirius shook out his hair with his fingers. Remus felt him throw a wet leaf at him. "Hey Tonks, do you want to pull your seat forward a bit?"

"Not really."

Remus sat back in his seat. "Tonks, I should probably tell you about my mission tonight."

"Your mission?" Tonks asked. "You're going on a mission? Already?"

"Wait, Remus, are you being serious? Dumbledore's sending you out? When?"

"Tonight."

_"Tonight?"_ Tonks said in astonishment. She stomped the break too hard and the entire car jerked. "Remus, why didn't you say something sooner? I'm not so sure you're ready to go, Remus, you've not been in combat for almost a year now."

"I know." Remus choked.

"Who are you going with?"

"I'm not going with anyone. I'm meeting up with one of our allies that's undercover with Greyback's werewolves." Remus said stiffly. "I don't know who it is."

"But I thought they were hunting you." Sirius chimed in. "Remus, what's going on? Why are you agreeing to this?"

"Because the werewolves are planning something. I need to beat them to it, whatever it is." Remus said. "Things are getting bad again, Sirius, and I can't just wait for it to happen. I can't just wait for them to come and find me."

The car lurched again. "Remus, if you go out there they are going to massacre you. Do you hear any of the words coming out of your mouth? You can't possibly be going by yourself." Tonks said. "I need to go with you."

"You could get hurt. I want you to stay at headquarters." Remus said quickly.

"I could _always_ get hurt." Tonks replied. "But don't you think this is a bit of a suicide mission?"

"I won't be completely by myself."

Tonks paused. Remus felt a firm grasp grab ahold of his arm. "The last time you went out there, they found out you were the mole and you nearly died. The last time you went out there, you nearly had your face shredded off and you lost your eyes."

"Maybe losing my eyes was supposed to be a good thing." Remus said defensively. "I thought you always told me that I'm more than my own eyes."

"And I think that's absolutely true, but they're still very vital if you plan on going into combat!" She said. "Remus, please don't go. I've got a really bad feeling about this."

"I know that you're nervous, but-"

"I'm not nervous, Remus, I'm worried you're severely underprepared!"

"I have to do this, Tonks."

Her mouth was hanging open. Her attention was drawn back to the dashboard. "I can't believe you." She muttered.

**AN: I'm sorry it's been over a month. It's been a hard month and I don't feel like writing, but hopefully I can get back into the swing of things. I'm sorry that I'm bad at writing subplots. I'll be starting the next chapter soon.**


	28. Chapter XXVIII

**AN: It's been a bit, hasn't it? So I'm not abandoning this story yet. I've had this draft for a while but this whole quarantine thing happened and all that... I finally got around to finishing it! At this moment, I don't have the next chapter started on. Sorry, like I said, I literally JUST finished this chapter and it's been... four months. Happy one year though, guys. **

So how did all that work out, huh?" Tonks scoffed. Even her heavy boot steps were angry. Remus could hear the anger bubbling in her throat.

The mission wasn't quite a failure, but it was certainly at Remus's expense.

_Remus wasn't quite as familiar with the woods as he had been with his eyes open. There were markers, apperation points, clear signs for anyone who might be familiar with the area. He was at first taken aback by how the woods smelled so distinctly of evergreens, how quiet it was except for the small woodland animals. It would almost be serene if he wasn't completely focusing his attention on not being killed._

_"I s'pose it's best we don't trade names, eh? You workin' for the Order and all. I'm just the courier." The man's raspy voice said. "But I've 'eard of you. I 'eard of what happened. I'm real sorry, mate."_

_"Right." Remus agreed. _

_They were walking for a very long time in complete silence. Voices. There was a crowd of people, werewolves, and they were getting louder. "Oi!" The man growled. The voices were uncomfortably close to Remus's body. He was holding on tightly to his wand inside of his coat pocket. There was a weird awkwardness hanging in the air. "Where's Greyback?"_

_There were awkward mumbles. _

_"Remus Lupin," Chills shot down Remus's spine before he even recognized the voice. "Why are you here?"_

_"Greyback?" There was a knot in his throat. He tried to straighten up towards the voice, but he had no idea where he was. _

_"What? You didn't learn the first time?" There was a hint of playfulness in Greyback's voice. He was stepping closer. "What brought you crawling back?"_

_"The Order kicked me out." Remus lies fluently. "They um... they took one look at me and didn't want me there. I'm... useless to them."_

_"Are you now?" Greyback replied. His breath was hot on Remus's face. "So where have you been?"_

_"Wandering." Remus shrugged. "Recovering."_

_"I see." Greyback replied. "And how's that going for you?"_

_"Fine." There was a weird airy sensation on his face and the light shifted. Greyback was waving his hand in front of Remus's face. _

_Greyback laughed hoarsly. "I'm impressed, Lupin. You managed to crawl away alive, didn't you? I'm almost tempted to keep you just for that. Even without your eyes..."_

_Remus nodded stiffly. "They erm... they were nice enough to keep me around while I was healing, but after that, I was thrown out. I guess I thought... I dunno, I thought I might still be of use to them. I wasn't."_

_Greyback took a deep breath. "I think you're lying."_

_"What?" Remus almost faltered. It took everything he had to hold it together. "No. I stayed with them very briefly, I was not a member. Look, I don't exactly have anywhere else to go right now and—"_

_"You smell like..." Greyback paused. "I can't pinpoint it."_

_"The house was abandoned, there was no one there." Remus pleaded. _

_"I believe you." Greyback replied._

_Remus expected repercussions but that didn't make Greyback's fist hurt any less._

"Dora-"

_"Don't_. Stop. Just stop it. I don't want to hear you talk right now." She snapped. The front door swung open violently and Remus sheepishly followed behind her. "You weren't ready. You shouldn't have gone."

They didn't have a lot of furniture. There was a sofa and a single armchair, which Sirius was going to be camping out on. The kitchen table only had three mismatched chairs. Both of the bedrooms were empty and void of anything personal. Remus vividly remembered what the house looked like after his parents had died and he imagined it must've been more decrepit. All of his childhood memories had been boxed up in the attic. All of his mother's nice things had been boxed up as well. When his parents died, anything that wasn't extremely meaningful with value were sold to pay off the bills and keep food on the table.

"Back so soon?" Sirius's voice pipped up. "Damn, your face looks like shit..."

"Can you grab the dittany? I don't know where it is." Tonks huffed, her voice on the edge of tears. Her bag went flying against the floor. She pried off her shoes with frustration.

"I don't think we have any!" Sirius got to his feet and trailed off into the kitchen. "Is it _really_ bad?"

"No, I think I'm okay." Remus covered his face insecurely. "I just... fell over my own feet."

"I could go find some alcohol to wash it off with. Think that'll help?" Sirius sounded like his head was in a cabinet.

"Yeah." Was all Tonks mustered up to say.

"It's fine." Remus protested. He felt a hand grab his arm tightly. Tonks was violently working off his coat and she tossed it aside.

"You're going to sit down and I'm going to fix your face." She threatened, dragging him into the kitchen and sitting him in a chair. Remus had to brace himself for her to start wiping away the blood and dirt from his face. He didn't say anything as she patched up his wound.

"What are we going to report back to the Order?" Remus asked warily. "They're going to think I'm a failure. They're going to think I'm not worth the trouble to send out again."

"Don't think you're so special." Tonks huffed.

"Dora, I'm sorry-"

"No you're not." She replied. "If you were sorry, you wouldn't have let them talk you into going on a mission like that! You're not ready for this."

"I'm perfectly ready!"

"You're perfectly stubborn, that's what you are!" Tonks exclaimed. She was ripping surgical tape with her teeth.

The room became thick with awkward silence. "Thank you."

"For?" She spat.

"Saving me." Remus murmured. "Patching me back up together anyways."

"I love you." Her voice broke off. Her fingers caressed the side of his face, examine the blossoming bruises. "You're a complete idiot, but I love you."

"I know." Remus nodded. Her cold lips pressed against his temple. "I'm so scared of losing you, Dora. You can't follow me next time."

"I don't care about that."

"Are you even listening to me?"

Her finger jabbed him hard in the chest. "How about _you_ listen to _me_ for once? You were absolutely out of line today!"

"I know how it looks, but-"

"It's like you wanted to get yourself killed." She growled. "God, you are such a _masochist_. Or maybe you're just an asshole, I don't know. But you're not going back out anytime soon. You need to leave it to the aurors."

"I know." He said quietly in an attempt to appease her. "I need to work on things first."

She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all of those things. You know that you're not useless. You're not... you're not incapable of working for the Order, but you're pushing yourself too fast."

"You're fine, Dora." Remus shook his head. She leaned down and her hair brushed against his face as she kissed him. She didn't pull away for a minute or so, her hand clinging to the side of his face.

"I love you." She whispered shakily, tightly gripping the front of his shirt. "And don't you _ever_ try and do that again, do you hear me?"

Remus didn't say anything at first. "I... I feel like I owe you something. An apology, specifically. You went to incredible lengths to save me today."

"You don't owe me anything, Remus." Her voice sounded bewildered. "This isn't some kind of bartering system—"

"Dora, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have have followed me, but I shouldn't have put you in trouble." He whispered.

"It's just that... I think that... I'm sorry and I'm worried I messed things up again." His face felt like it was burning with embarrassment.

She shook her head. "I don't understand."

"I know that we've... things have been rather hard lately and we haven't gotten to spend any time alone together and..." He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I can't process all of this._ I really do miss you._ I just... I can't vocalize it."

Tonks scoffed. "Really? You're doing this? You're going to say you don't want anything to do with me because you don't want to hurt me and then you're going to kiss me and fuck everything right, good and proper, and then you're going to ignore for the rest of the month! Cut it out! Just kiss me like you want to and you can save me my time!"

"I'm sorry." Remus said quietly. "I'm having nightmares. I can't stop seeing... things. I'm seeing you get hurt, I'm reliving everything that happened."

"I'm sorry." Tonks said plainly.

"I just... I have to know that you're safe. But it's killing me. I can't sit still, I can't think straight. I get scared every night that I'll have to watch you get hurt over and over. And Sirius too! I'm sorry if it's hard for me to tell you how I feel but it's hard to feel like this relationship is justifiable when every moment, I'm being reminded of why it isn't. It's not safe for you to be close to me."

"I don't care about the safety, Remus—"

"But _I_ care, Dora! I care because I know they'll hunt you down the second they smell you on me! Wherever I go, I'm worried that Fenrir's going to be on you just as fast."

Her lips pressed against his before he could get out another word. "I. Don't. Care. Stop it. I can handle myself in a fight fine. I'm an adult who can make their own decisions and I'm tired of you I continuing to push me away."

"You don't know what kinds of things they would do to you—"

"You think I don't? You think that my entire life hasn't been preparing me for whatever consequences I'm going to face as an auror?" Tonks said. "Please just tell me what you're thinking. Just tell me the truth."

Remus's mouth hung open as he searched for the right words. "I love you, but I shouldn't and it's killing me to know how much danger I'm putting you in."

"You really love me?" Tonks sighed. "Then... can you please at least try and see that maybe love is worth pushing the bounds of safety and risking that? You know that I'm perfectly capable of sticking up for the both of us. It's worth it. Why can't you trust me?"

"Because what if I put all my trust in you and it's not enough?"

"So you don't trust me." Her face was inching closer to him.

"I trust you completely, Dora." Remus shook his head. "I'm just worried he's the overpowered one, not that you're weak."

"Then perhaps can you show me?" Tonks whispered back. He carefully cradled the sides of her face and began kissing her. She was growing increasingly more anxious and more breathless. He ran his fingers through her hair. Her hair was long today and soft in his hand, and she still smelled like the woods. Remus was relieved that her anger had washed away and been replaced with worry, though worry wasn't much better in the grand scheme of things. She really did have the patience of a saint when she needed to. She carefully tilted her chin up, exposing her neck to him. "Remus, do we need to take this into the other room?"

His breath clung to her neck. "Do you want to?"

"Do _you_ want to?"

Remus pursed his lips tightly. "If you... think that we should." She helped him to his feet, tightly wrapping one arm around his waist.

"Hey, Sirius?" Tonks said as they walked through the living room.

"Yeah? What's up?" He replied from the couch.

"Remus and I are going to go get cleaned up before dinner. We're kind of dirty." Tonks informed him.

"Alright. I'll still be here." Sirius replied.

They didn't have any sheets on the bed yet, just blankets laid out. Remus was clumsy at undressing her, layer by layer, and she helped him out of his jumper and then his trousers. Things felt like they were moving too quickly but Remus didn't want them to stop. He had to figure out how to use her audio cues to predict what she wanted, how she wanted to be touched, how hard she wanted to be kissed. He couldn't quite tell how much of it she was doing just to arouse him or to help guide him, but she seemed to be perfectly satisfied by the end of it. Tonks carefully guided his hands to all the places where she wanted them, not letting the shame stop her. It was easier for her to be on top for most of it. Remus was starting to get a clearer picture of what her body looked like now, perhaps in a way he wasn't expecting. He found he quite liked the feeling of her, naked, between his fingers. She felt... beautiful, somehow. He couldn't imagine anyone else being in her place. They knew to be reasonably quiet so to not alert Sirius but every now and again one of them slipped up and let out a moan that was surely much to loud to be inconspicuous.

By the time they were both finished, Tonks had procured a blanket to cover them. She had melted in his arms, curled up with her head against his chest. "Your parents really had a nice house. It's a shame it didn't get taken care of." She said quietly. He could feel her heart still racing in her chest.

"I wish if we were moving in together, it wasn't like this." Remus sighed. There was something darkly comical to him about making love to the woman he so cherished for the first time in his parents' old bed, in their old bedroom, in a house that haunted him with so many bad memories. Love wasn't something he was meant to deserve. He was meant to be a loner, a _pariah._ He was, by his father's own standards, unlovable. And yet here they were, still intertwined in each other's arms, still naked, still basking in the time they had together. He wanted nothing more than to just soak in this moment with her.

"When have we ever done anything on our own terms?" Tonks replied. "Besides... now, of course." She let out a little giggle.

Remus gently kissed the top of her head, running his fingers through her hair. "What colour?"

Her shoulders shrugged with defeat. "I'm really tired."

"Brown?" Her head bobbed up and down. "That's my fault, isn't it?"

She shrugged again. "Remus, I found out that they're setting up aurors on patrol in Hogsmeade."

"Are they sending you?"

"Possibly. Maybe, I don't know yet. And I don't know how long this is going to go on for. They said it'll only last a few weeks, but something tells me it's going to be much longer."

"I see." Remus nodded.

"Let's talk about something else, yeah?" Tonks persuaded. "So... how was it? Better than you expected?"

"Much better." He laughed. "I'm sure we need to actually go shower now like we said."

She sat up to kiss him, pulling the blanket over her chest. "Hmm."

"Did you enjoy it at least?" Remus asked.

Tonks let out a laugh. "I thought you would've been able to figure that one out on your own!" She carefully climbed off the bed. "Come on. Shower time."

Remus pulled her in for one more kiss. "I really do love you, Dora."

"Yeah, yeah, you're only saying that 'cause I gave you a good time." She teased, wiggling her nose. "Come on, you still smell like werewolves and dirt."

xxxxx

Sirius clasped his hands together. "I've taken the liberty of moving myself into the smaller bedroom, if you two don't mind. When did Arthur say he would send the extra bed?" He interjected. He didn't seem to pay much mind to both of them coming out with wet hair.

"Sometime next weekend, hopefully." Tonks sighed. "Sorry we're making you crash on the couch."

"At least it gives you a week of plausible deniability. '_No, officer, I promise we had no idea that wanted fugitive Sirius Black was living in my house'_."

"Nah, course not, it's just us and our scraggly old mutt." Tonks teased.

"Does it feel odd, Remus? Being back here?" Sirius asked.

Remus thought about his question. "Not... really. It honestly doesn't feel like much of anything."

Tonks was finally taking in the mess that was the kitchen. "It just needs some touching up, yeah? Clean the counters, plug in the lamps, get rid of all of the cobwebs..."

"I feel like we just finished cleaning Grimmauld." Sirius grumbled. "I'm getting sick of doxies."

"I don't think we've got any doxies." Tonks said. "Maybe a boggart or two that we can clear out."

"I need to take Remus grocery shopping tomorrow." Tonks sighed. There was some digging in the pantry. "As of now, it looks like we've got... old box of rice, some canned peas... and I'm not sure what this is, but I'll give five galleons to whoever eats it. Does takeout sound good?"

"I'm game." Sirius remarked. Remus nodded in agreement.

She clasped her hands together. "Perfect. Do you two want to start wiping down the counters? I feel like everything's covered in dust. Oh, and the sheets! We need some sheets for our room." Tonks had already hurried out of the room to do something, gently nudging Remus as she walked by.

"Yeah." Sirius said in a low voice. Even standing right beside Remus, it was like he was a thousand miles away. "You know, I wish Harry was here."

"I do too." Remus agreed. "I wish... I wish Dumbledore was more transparent with us about this. I wish he would at least give us an excuse as to why he had to go back."

"I don't understand why he has to go live with his aunt and uncle." Sirius demanded.

Remus sighed. "You know Dumbledore wouldn't have done something without thinking it through."

Sirius snapped. "They're _abusive!_ Just spit it out! They're abusive to him. What was it that I said to him? Something like 'they'll be worried about you, they'll wonder where you are, deep down they do care about you-' it's all bullshit! What do you think he'll think later on in life? He might _actually_ start thinking that the people that made him sleep in a closet actually cared about and loved him! Or he'll think that I'm the bad person for making him to back to them."

"You need to calm down." Tonks's soft voice reappeared. "Sirius, look at me, we don't have any control over this. We can't change Dumbledore's mind."

"He doesn't deserve that. He's a _child-"_

"I know." She cooed. "This isn't going to last forever. He's going to come visit at the end of the summer, okay? We're going to get to see him."

"He's _completely_ by himself..." Sirius grumbled. "He's absolutely isolated. I can't even begin to wonder what he thinks. He probably thinks we _abandoned_ him. That _I-"_

"Shh, can you cool it for a second? Everything so going to be alright." Tonks reassured. "This isn't going to last forever. We're going to get through this summer... and then we're going to go about our normal live. And this whole mess is going to be over one day and we're going to be just like a normal family. Just like you said, yeah?"

"Yeah." Sirius took a deep breath. "But I—"

"Stop. Sirius, right now, do you hear me?" Tonks squeezed them both tightly. Remus heard her kiss him on the cheek, then get her cool lips press against the bruise that was sitting on his own. "We're gonna get through this. One way or the other. You hear me?"

"Yeah." Sirius coughed.

"Perfect! Who wants to start on the dusting?"


End file.
